this past couple weeks i have been so tired... i can barely move about. i get up from my futon and travel the vast distance to my other nest. i struggle through the dry emptiness before me, befouled by human gas emanations, dragon breath, and sweat. it is a long painful journey as i try to stretch and set into motion arthritic joints, and  misaligned vertebrae. at last, i arrive and i sigh with relief, when i finally see my destination. Behold, my inner sanctum, my warm fluffy security blanket, my scentsy grogu- smells so good! my corner on the couch with a cushion that has been formed with a permanent imprint of my buttocks.

uffff, hair!!!

it is ok to laugh. you have my permission. you are welcome! 

gentle whisper

 

Why is it that there is a moment everyday when my mood just tanks? I feel the pressure in my chest and my stomach. I want to cry out, yet I do not… I dare not. I would not want to scare anybody around me.

Today I sense a paradox in me. there is an intense desire to commune with others who are of same mind, a profound desire to congregate with others whose sole desire and purpose is to glorify God. I do not need to make noise. I do not need a silly 20 minute exhortation on how to make life better, followed by more noise. Today I would not be able to abide the touching and hugging and “look at me/pay attention to me” behaviors. I am looking for that silent meditation, contemplation upon the manifestation of God’s glory; as the heavens declare the glory of God, and the skies proclaim the work of his hands (Ps 19:1). No words needed, no program, no show, only silence and expectation. My heart tells me that the Spirit of the Lord is there. The Spirit tells my spirit to sit, to wait, to expect.

Remember Elijah when he was in the cave?

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah? (1 Kings 19: 11-14)

I ask myself every day, “mirta, what are you doing here? What are you hoping to accomplish? The answer eludes me. I keep telling myself that I am in healing mode. I go through the motions: therapy, stretching, chiropractic, swimming, fasting, meditating, drawing, cleaning, cooking… wash, rinse, repeat. I even drive out to green spaces where I can connect with nature. Still, there is something missing. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m looking, searching. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but when I find it, I’ll know.

Meanwhile, I know that I am in the wrong body, not in terms of gender but in size. I am convinced that what I see in the mirror is not my true self. Once in a while I catch a glimpse of “me”. sometimes I see me in the gentle curl of a strand of hair, or when I stand on one leg firm and resolute; when my fingers curl around the pen to draw delicate lines; when my voice joins a
harmony in perfect pitch and tone.

 
I definitely see me when I am on my knees, in child’s pose, heart melting into the ground, forehead down, breathing slowly, staying in the moment, sensing the blanket of comfort that envelops in that moment, the peace, the quiet, the expectation that God is about to whisper something sweet over me. yes, that’s it! That’s what I’m looking for…

 

until...

 

Today, I feel the need to clarify a few things. If you are reading this, it is because I trust the power of the Spirit within you to join me in prayer, compassion, humanity, with wisdom and sage. I am in a safe and stable environment where I can heal, meditate, and express who I am. This began as a writing assignment, to journal emotions as I experience them, as per advice from my counselor. I chose to make it public, I still don’t know the exact reason for that. A cry for help or attention? Perhaps…

However, as I continue to unfold, peel, reveal, dig, and share, I find points of connection with others.

This is a journey of healing, remembrance, giving voice to that part of me that for so long had to remain quiet for the sake of others. This is my safe space; my moment of sacred communion; where the storm rages, the winds blow, the waters rise, the thunder gives voice to something so profound, so violent, so true, so real… all of it is me. this is the perfect place and time to experience emotions, process feelings, and relinquish all unwanted fears and anxieties.

This is THE moment. This is THE season.

 Lord, i need to know if my life has any kind of purpose right now

what is my why? it's not about what i do, or what i've done. i've been and done so many things...

• student
• soldier
• momma
• housewife
• dependent
• childcare worker
• counselor
• teacher
• missionary
• interpreter/translator
• artisan

that's my resume, not my purpose. 

i have worn so many masks, put them on, take them off, layed them down, stored some of them, burned others, put another one back on.... it's exhausting. 

today is one of those days that i just want to open my mouth wide and let out that primal scream that just keeps going and going and going, until i have exhausted all the scream, expelled all the anger, hurt, rage, pain, fat, insanity, regret, denial, negativity, awkward memories, shame, embarrassement, guilt, darkness; all of it gone.

 then, what is left of me? an open wound? 

yes... 

and this is where the journey can get muddy because i have to make a decision. there are several choices in lighting, like at the home improvement center. i need to decide what kind of effect do i want to have in my environment. 

these days i prefer the soft hues of warm amber tones. i long for the woody scents of embers in the fireplace. i remember the first "apartment" we shared. it was a small studio cabin in washington state, surrounded by tall pines; it rained constantly. our favorite thing to do was sit in front of the fireplace, talking and making plans, awaiting the birth of our first son. that's the kind of light i want in my life; that soft glow, the sound of the rain, the smell of wood burning, the love, the hope, the dreams, the safety, the power of that sacred moment. i know that i still long for that feeling...

i had that. i lived it. it was real, and i know it can be real for me yet again. 

my two year old inner child is screaming - "i want it NOW!!!!" and i have to soothe her, hold her, rock her, softly whisper in her ear, "soon, baby, soon..." we just sit in this sweet embrace, rocking, humming. slowly we stand, cross our arms on our chest, and we beging to spin, following the rythm and direction of our heart. round and round we go, stretching our arms, right hand facing up, ready to receive every blessing, insight, wisdom, comfort, and healing that God has prepared for us; left hand facing down, towards the earth to remind us that we are still in this plane of existence, waiting.

the spirit of the child

 "the secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm"

-aldous huxley

what if the spirit of the child is damaged, wounded, and hurting? then what happens? am i condemned to carry this weight for the rest of my life? optimists tell me that i do not have to carry it. i can offload the dead weight of pain and hurt, surrender it, relinquish it, and forget about it. but the more i "unload", the more comes up. it's like i've been purging for quite some time and i'm not done yet. and i am so tired... tired of waking up with a headache, backache, joint ache... everything hurts. is this reality from here on out? no wonder my mother used to tell me "mirtita, don't get old". getting old sucks! i can't remember the last time i woke up with a purpose, with a desire to get out of bed and do something fun. these days i open my eyes and wonder why am i still breathing? what could i possibly do today that is of any consequence. i have no desire to work, no desire to go for a walk or even move. i get up and i have coffee. that's it!!!! no desire to do anything else. what else is there to do?

later...

i'm still tired... tired... tired, but after i'm done posting this i'm going to take my achy tired butt to the "y" and move around for a bit. something has got to change!

Holy Spirit, move me... stir me... and thank You because i know that this is all part of the transforming  GOOD WORK You are doing in me. LOVE YOU!!!!

walking in truth

 this morning i read, "there is so much power in walking in your truth". it causes me to think about the identification, measure, and definition of truth. i have spent so many years pretending and conforming to other people's standards yet nothing rings "true" for me.

i have taken aptitude tests, personality tests, horoscopes, spiritual gifts tests. i notice that some of it sounds familiar but it doesn't quite fit. so, i do not have an objective definition or measure of what is true for me. 

there are some things that i can identify as true for me. let's see, i am...

• creative
• intuitive
• compassionate
• passionate
• intelligent
• educated
• wise
• emotional
• transparent, to the point of being invisible
• fluid, yet deliciously thick and richly dense,
  
  
  
  like sweet foam on top of dark fragrant strong coffee

this is not who or what i aspire to be. this is who i am right now, without apologies, explanations, or justifications. i am navigating this terrain. at times it is dry and desert-like, other times a muddy slushy bog; mostly mountainous with meadows in between. ah, but there are those precious moments when i find myself on crisp cool sand, taking in the salty ocean breeze, bathed in sunlight, hearing the voice of God in the surf, and i sing along with it. 

THAT is when and where i am most free to be me. in that moment i do not merely exist. in that moment, i am. in that moment, i am one with the great I AM. it is a sacred moment, an experience that i relish, that i long for, and hope to be in for all eternity. i am at peace, sated, satisfied, grateful, in love, and being loved in its most pure essence.

so, i am writing a pledge with myself to leave behind those conventions that do not ring true for me. if something or someone is not healthy for me i will respectfully and caringly thank them for making themselves available, but i will not partake of them. at this point in my life i can choose my family, my relations, my tribe, regardless of biology, genealogy, faith affiliation, or belief structure.

THIS IS ME... now;

...tomorrow, perhaps there will be a different me, and i can't wait to meet her.

time for a lament

“Consider now! Call for the wailing women to come;
    send for the most skillful of them. 
Let them come quickly
    and wail over us
till our eyes overflow with tears
    and water streams from our eyelids.
 The sound of wailing is heard...

 Now, you women, hear the word of the Lord;
    open your ears to the words of his mouth.
Teach your daughters  how to wail;

    teach one another a lament.
 Death has climbed in through our windows
    and has entered our fortresses...

Jeremiah 9: 17-21

Let me cry out today, and for as long as i need. this is not  a season of celebration. this is a season of lament. we are being inatentive and disobedient to the divine call to lament, to cry, to mourn, to consider, to meditate, to breathe, to sigh, to moan, to rage, to heave, to lay on the ground exhausted, trembling; eyes swollen shut and red from crying; throats raw from sobbing and screaming. this is the posture i am embracing. i choose to wait in this lament. i choose to wail and rail against injustice, denial, apathy, complacency, comformity, complicit silence, oppression and suppression. 

i am tired of looking at pictures of forced smiles that don't reach the eyes; tired of hearing about how busy families pack as much activity as posible into their schedules to appear productive, well-rounded, and happy; tired of activities geared to "celebrate unity in community" yet further segregate the marginalized or the invisible; tired of entire sections of the US population being subjugated to tiranny, abuse, exclusion;

tired of legalized and institutionalized bigotry - especially in the name of religion and justice; tired of selective memory; tired of historical fragmentation and documentation to suit our own interpretation of events... i am exhausted...

and yet, i come up with one more breath, one more primal scream, one more tear, one more lament, one more hope that THIS is not all there is; that there is more, there is a better tomorrow; that there is a collective consciousness of love, peace, wisdom, healing, freedom, strength, righteousness, and justice.