freaky freeflow friday

 i know my posts are mostly diatribes and emotional rants, BUT today at this very moment i'm feeling good.

this morning i started out with hot yoga, 26&2, THE original hot yoga, good for your heart, your internal organs, your joints, work every muscle group yoga. this moving meditation is more my speed. i know it's not for everybody but i LOVE it.

i'vehad such good instructors, who have worked, molded, and encouraged me to move to the best of my abilities, to move as slow as i need, and go as deep as my body can. now, i follow the guidance/teaching of Ginny at Yoga Rx, a compassionate and highly empathic soul. If you are in the 757 area and you want to experience a practice that goes above and beyond, come to this studio, https://www.yoga-rx-vb.com/. everytime i go to class, my inner child - Gaby from "Vivo",  sings and encourages me to march, dance, and move to the beat of my own drum. i am really grateful and surprised to see what my body can do, at this weight and age.  how many of you can say that they absolutely love to work out? i do, i do, i do 

Oh, oh, oh... i saw something funny yesterday. picture this, a really nice tesla car... now put this color combination together, OD green, you know like the old army uniforms, and pearlescence!!! Yup, yup, it's like throwing glitter on baby poop... ROTFLMBO... oh, i crack myself up

let's see.. what else? my younger son came to hot yoga with me this morning. i'm so proud of him. it was his first class and he did very well. he stayed in the studio. he did not go running out the door, tongue hanging out, ripping his clothes off, looking for the nearest water source. he did not pass out. he started and finished with the rest of the class. woooohooooo!

a few minutes ago i had a phone call with a cousin who went to Costco to have breakfast, LOL. as we are on a video call she's going by the different vendors having coffee, bread, coconut nibs, and i don't know what else... oh good Lord, she cracks me up!

 i just looked at my phone and there was a sweet message from a dear sister that blessed me and reminded me of the hymn "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms", by Hoffman and Showalter. now the tune is stuck in my head and i want to share that with you. if you know it, sing it. if you don't, just read the lyrics. all together now...

What a fellowship, what a joy divine,

Leaning on the everlasting arms;

What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,

Leaning on the everlasting arms.

    Leaning, leaning,

    Safe and secure from all alarms;

    Leaning, leaning,

    Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way,

Leaning on the everlasting arms;

Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,

Leaning on the everlasting arms.

What have I to dread, what have I to fear,

Leaning on the everlasting arms;

I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,

Leaning on the everlasting arms.

and there you go, we just had church, just like that

and now for more yoga irreverence.... 

you know you laughed at that, at the very least you chuckled.

Love you!!!

Tired... so tired

 

Today, is a different story. I mean, I know every day is different but this is ridiculous. Since I got back from Tx, I've just been besieged by one circumstance after another. My son got Covid, was hospitalized because of complications. When he came home, we all got sick with RSV. Three weeks of absolute torment. Then, our apartment got flooded because a pipe burst on a third floor apartment. So, we suffered the consequences of someone else's actions, which were very suspicious.  These are the same people who were getting evicted for illegal drug use. We lived in a hotel for a month!  Through it all I've been experiencing night terrors and a lot of unusual vivid dreams that wake everybody up. Yes, I am exhausted!  i just want to sit here in my corner and do absolutely nothing. BUT, as i look around my living space i see all the things that still need to be organized and put away, and i feel overwhelmed.

i know that there are a thousand things that i could do to "feel" better yet it all seems futile because the "stuff" is not going to put itself away. it will still be waiting for me to do it. in my fantasy world i just wave my hands and things float to their appointed place. in the real world, they just sit and wait to be acted upon. there's a lesson or some form of wisdom hidden in that thought, gonna have to ruminate on that for a little while... later.

today, i feel bloaaated, not just bloated, i am huge with rolls, bumps, cellulite under the skin, like cottage cheese in a cup - so gross... i just grossed myself out! no matter what i do, walking, exercise, yoga, nothing seems to work or help. i have read, meditated, breathed, talked, listened to "fat burning frequencies", puked, starved... i have prayed desperate prayers. i have done the twelve steps, and "celebrated recovery". just like the objects around  me, i'm still in the same condition, inmovable, unchanging, occupying space and letting time pass by without changing.

my chest feel heavy with an unscreamed scream. there's pressure in my head from all the tears
waiting to flow. nerves are firing, like an electric storm that burns and itches. i want to run. i want to fly. but there is no energy to do either. i'm stuck, feet immersed in the muck, getting sucked in, like the horse in "the neverending story", drowning, sinking, pressed under the weight of my sadness, my angst, my fury.

does anyone care? why am i writing this? why am i posting this? is there going to be some miraculous rescue? i don't think so. it hasn't happened before. any hope? any truth to hold on to? is there any strength left?

and yet... and yet, there's a part of me that keeps thinking and screaming, "i don't wanna die fat! i refuse to leave this world in this state! i can't, i just cannot bear it! there is a thin person within all this fat waiting to emerge. she is real. she is in there, i can see her when i close my eyes. come on, girl, fight... FIGHT!!!"

am i so self-absorbed, self-centered, narcissistic, egotistical that i cannont accept myself as i am? i would never treat or speak to another person in the same manner as i do to myself. i would extend unconditional love, compassion, and empathy to them. i would cry with them. i would hug them. i would pray and intercede for them. yet, i cannot do that with myself. my little girl is screaming,

throwing a tantrum, hurting and i can do nothing to calm her down. she is still suffering, hurting, looking for  a way out of the darkness in that fateful horrible closet, looking for a way to say no to ugly smelling food textures that were forced upon her. it was a long time ago, but it feels so real, so present, and i cannot stop the sensations from seeping into my consciousness. am i purposefully doing this to myself? if so, why? why would someone self-inflict this pain? it makes no sense that i cannot forget these events. i cannot block them out. they keep coming back, haunting me. i can do nothing about these memories. there is no justice to be found because i do not remember their names, i have vague memories of faces, but mostly it's just a burning sensation of hands on parts of my body. i wish i could just snap out of this. i wish i could burn away the memories. i tried to drown them in alcohol - it did not work. i tried to make myself feel better by getting sexual attention - it did not work. nothing works!

it seems like the state of the mess around here is a striking metaphor for my existence. i am not good enough, not pure enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not educated enough, not experienced enough... i am NOT enough... no matter the number of times nor different ways i chant affirmations of "being enough", deep down i don't believe it therefore i cannot bring it to fruition nor actualization.

i want to stop thinking... i want to stop breathing... i want to stop being... but there is always one more thought, there is always one more breath. those just don't stop being.

how can i make this a reality for me?

freedom?

 the only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion

-albert camus

what is the deal with claiming to be free, yet continuing to be in bondage to institutions, other people's opinions, substances, fashion, culture, gadgets, programs, vulgarity, and mediocrity? i cannot. i refuse to be subjugated to a system that is predicated upon the enslavement of the soul. it is an institution that was perverted and contaminated from the moment it began to propagate. something that was meant to be so simple, that a child's innocence would be the model to properly understand it and capture it. we were given parameters, visual examples, life lessons on what to do and what not to do, and yet we failed, and continue to fail, to follow it.

i have walked so many miles and visited so many places looking for that one community of faith where His truth is being taught and followed, to no avail. i am not a "church jumper". i am highly sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and i can discern spirits. so, i can usually tell the posture and manner of a community just by breathing the air around it. i can also hear the dissonance when the people sing and speak to each other. my spirit bristles when there is a presence that is not attuned to God. i grieve when i sense sadness and mourning, and i hurt when there is pain. my hands tingle and i am moved when there is a need for prayer and intercession. i also know when it is time to leave a place because my mission there is finished or has been cut short because of unbelief or pride.

lately, i just sense pride and a troubling shift toward cultural encapsulation. i see group dynamics manifesting in very negative ways, judging and giving in to preconceived notions, bias and prejudice.

i don't know how to finish this post today. i am so discouraged and finding it difficult to want to move or even breathe. this might be interpreted as depression, opression, something attached to me, or whatever flavor of spirituality is in vogue these days, but i can tell you that it goes beyond some simplistic assumption. i am in mourning...

Thus says the Lord of hosts:  Consider, and call for the mourning women to come;
    send for the skilled women to come; let them quickly raise a dirge over us,
    so that our eyes may run down with tears, and our eyelids flow with water. For a sound of wailing is heard from Zion: “How we are ruined! We are utterly shamed,
because we have left the land, because they have cast down our dwellings.” 

Hear, O women, the word of the Lord, and let your ears receive the word of his mouth; teach to your daughters a dirge, and each to her neighbor a lament. “Death has come up into our windows, it has entered our palaces, to cut off the children from the streets and the young men from the squares.” Speak! Thus says the Lord: “Human corpses shall fall like dung upon the open field, like sheaves behind the reaper,     and no one shall gather them.” Thus says the Lord:

 Do not let the wise boast in their wisdom, do not let the mighty boast in their might, do not let the wealthy boast in their wealth; but let those who boast boast in this, that they understand and know me, that I am the Lord; I act with steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth, for in these things I delight, says the Lord (Jeremiah 9: 17-24)

test run...

i have not done this in a while. i'm not sure what all i'm going to include here. i was encouraged to share and publish this latest chapter in my healing journey.

i don't know how many sixty-one year olds are struggling with bingeing and purging, but i know that i am. i am not sure why, but this morning as i read and meditate, several thoughts come up:

• many women are struggling with pre/post menopausal weight gain;
• many young women who are struggling with eating disorders today will someday find themselves in this scenario again - facing the fear of the number on the scale, the fear of weight gain, the fear of...

i am slowly working through all these fears, emotions, pain, angst, etc, and i am willing to go through it because i know that with God there is always a purpose and a benefit. someone always comes after us that will benefit from the collective wisdom of our pain.

i want to open this page in the hope that it will provide an outlet for me to explore, share, learn, dig deep, collect stories, and find out whether there is life after...