the spirit of the child

 "the secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm"

-aldous huxley

what if the spirit of the child is damaged, wounded, and hurting? then what happens? am i condemned to carry this weight for the rest of my life? optimists tell me that i do not have to carry it. i can offload the dead weight of pain and hurt, surrender it, relinquish it, and forget about it. but the more i "unload", the more comes up. it's like i've been purging for quite some time and i'm not done yet. and i am so tired... tired of waking up with a headache, backache, joint ache... everything hurts. is this reality from here on out? no wonder my mother used to tell me "mirtita, don't get old". getting old sucks! i can't remember the last time i woke up with a purpose, with a desire to get out of bed and do something fun. these days i open my eyes and wonder why am i still breathing? what could i possibly do today that is of any consequence. i have no desire to work, no desire to go for a walk or even move. i get up and i have coffee. that's it!!!! no desire to do anything else. what else is there to do?

later...

i'm still tired... tired... tired, but after i'm done posting this i'm going to take my achy tired butt to the "y" and move around for a bit. something has got to change!

Holy Spirit, move me... stir me... and thank You because i know that this is all part of the transforming  GOOD WORK You are doing in me. LOVE YOU!!!!