I finished a really nice beading project and i am not sure where to go next. Creativity eludes me. Inspiration is non existent. Motivation tank is at zero. Maybe I'll just read. Maybe I'll just stay in this dimension of zero thought, zero movement, zero advancement, zero regression, zero revolution, zero resolution... just zero....
Is that possible? Nope. I'm here writing and wanting to get these thoughts out of my system. My head's gonna explode if they are not expressed somehow. I think I need a good detox, a thought detox, an emotion detox, a soul detox. On the other hand I don't want to move from here.
What to do?
Wisdom come.
Love come.
Compassion come.
I summon you.
Soothe me.
Fill me.
Cover me.
Let me sense.
Let me experience.
Prickle me.
Tickle me.
Sting me.
I want to feel
Something.
I want to envision me.
I want to actualize me.
I want to see the real me,
the truth in me,
The kindness in me,
The gentleness in me,
The courage in me,
The me in me.
And yet... and yet... i must take into consideration that it has been almost two months since I have stepped on a scale. It has not been easy. There has been no joyous celebration. There have been no fireworks nor ticket tape parades. There have been, though, many times when I wanted to run to the store and get a new scale. So, I "white-knuckled" it and resisted the temptation.
Now there's a void in my perception of the self, of progress, of change. Whereas before i had a number to "motivate and guide", now I feel adrift. I have no way of "knowing" if I'm losing weight or going in the "right" direction.
I need to do something!
For today I am choosing mindfulness and meditation. I am practicing in listening to the lectio divina, practicing sitting in silence, reciting the "mode ani" (more on that later).
I also chose to practice mindfulness while cleaning the stove. Soon after both sons came into the kitchen and quietly began cleaning as well. No one had to say anything. There was no nagging nor manipulation. It was a sweet gathering in community for one common purpose. I do love these moments!
And, there it is! This is progress. This is change. This is growth. This is transformation. This gives me strength to live one more day without the scale.
Oh, my dear sister, you have such a poetry and orchestration with words that truly touches my heart. My soul resonates with the lack of motivation and the lack of creativity. There are days that I also can’t seem to move. But then… I read a blog, or listen to a devotion or hear a song that strikes a cord deep inside and something ignites a very small spark. Tears spill…Well, a spark is some thing to start with. Thank you so much for sharing. I love you my sweet sister.
ReplyDelete🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷 hugs and kisses
ReplyDeleteThis is absolutely beautiful, I really enjoyed. May The Lord continue to bless you, and His Holy Spirit to use you as a blessing to others.
ReplyDelete😍🥰😘
ReplyDeleteYour words are so touching, real, honest,brave. I enjoy reading your thoughts on paper. Thank you for sharing. Love Always, Jill 🥰🤗💕
ReplyDeleteSis, thanks for sharing. I am there with you. The difference is that you have been gifted with such an amazing gift of words that gives words to the wordless. For that, i am so thankful for you. Keep writing. Keep letting it out. It is purifying to you and to us. 🥰
ReplyDelete