salt

 it's been a minute....

my mood and my spirit is tanking somewhat. it is not even 11am and i'm already ready for bed. i just want to sleep but not dream. there are certain images that keep coming to mind that i would rather not see yet they keep showing up. it's like fighting with my husband, who's been dead for almost ten years; or being harrassed by my parents, particularly my mother, who has also been dead for almost ten years. what  in the red, white, and blue hell is this?!?! how is it that these people that are no longer in my physical existence can come back to haunt my dreams and torture me with the worst of their personalities? am i processing something? remembering something? reliving the past? am i learning to self-soothe? how do i build a boundary or a wall of protection against beings that are no longer being? is this part of the process of grieving? i'd like a course in grieving 101, please!!!! i bet i'd be stellar in it, pass every test with flying colors. i am an overachiever, after all. seriously though, how or when is this phase going to stop repeating itself? i'm so tired!!!

I am in mourning; mourning who I used to be, physically, when I was stronger and had more stamina. I don't miss the immaturity nor the self inflicted abuse. 

These days I am totally content with being a contemplative.  I love the fact that I can take time everyday to meditate and move at my own pace. I love the silence and the peace in our little sanctuary. It gives me hope.

Thank You, God, for walking this path with me. I thank You for my sons and daughters who continually lift my spirits. I thank You for the opportunities to serve. Thank You for allowing to share my "salt" and bring flavor to others.

gloriously imperfect and boundaries

today i was reminded that i need to embrace my state of imperfection and i need to continuously be aware of the Spirit work being done in me on a daily basis. 

i am so grateful that i have people in my life who are open honest and caring when they tell me these things. these past few weeks i have been reconnecting with former students, people who call me "mom/mami/madre". it feels so good. it's like being wrapped up in a warm cozy blanket, wearing fuzzy slippers, sipping "abuelita" hot chocolate, and getting lost in macondo with gabriel garcia marques.

i sense that i am at the threshold of new adventures - teaching, interpreting, ministering, traveling. No worries, you are coming along with me. i cherish your prayers, your connectedness in the Spirit, your sage, your compassion.

and in this glorious imperfection i meditate on boundaries. it is all part of the package. this is a recurring message today from all sources of wisdom. i need to keep watch and be mindful about what i will alow into my personal space, physically, mentally, and spiritually. The compiler of proverbs in the bible says,

Watch over your heart with all diligence,

For from it flow the springs of life.

Put away from you a deceitful mouth

And put devious speech far from you.

Let your eyes look directly ahead

And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you.

Watch the path of your feet

And all your ways will be established.

Do not turn to the right nor to the left;

Turn your foot from evil. (prov 4: 23-27)

 

so, these are the boundaries i set; 1. set a hedge of protection around my heart; 2. keep away all those who bring gossip, lies; 3. keep my gaze looking forward and upward, eliminate all distractions with extreme prejudice; 4. have a roadmap and good illumination, anyone and anything that comes shrouded in darkness, or fosters an atmosphere of gloom and doom must be summarily dismissed; 5. stay away from, and keep away anyone who sets traps before me, those people who are so good at pushing buttons and manipulation are NOT allowed anywhere near me or mine.

there are places that i know are not good for me. for example, i am an addict/alcoholic in remission. i know that certain foods and alcohol will trigger very destructive behaviors. so, i stay away from bars, licquor stores, and buffet places. by the same token i have limited interaction with anyone who is toxic or causes me to behave in self-harming ways. for my own wellbeing i must set and watch over the boundaries.

when it comes to family, those boundaries tend to get muddy because there are certain obligations that must be observed to keep harmony and be an agent of peace and compassion. for instance, family gatherings, these days i need to be very selective as to the ones in which i will participate. today i can understand that these events are optional and i am the one who decides whether, or not, to attend. i am the one who chooses when, how, and with whom i will sustain communications. recently, i deactivated all social media without consulting anybody or making a big deal of leaving fb, messenger, insta, etc. i just did it, and guess what? no one even noticed. well, there was one cousin who reached out to me because she saw that i had left the family chat groups. anyways, it says a lot about the nature of online relationships and communications. i have no intention of going back to them. this boundary i truly cherish. it tastes of freedom, with chocolate syrup and a cherry on top, lol.

now, i need to consider my personal internal boundaries. what are my limits? how far dare i go? what is ok, or not? today i'm working on the boundaries with the number on the scale. for a while now, that number has been like a mood tracker for me. any variation will elicit an emotional response. these days it is mostly negative because i have gained so much weight since december. the ultimate goal is to stop using the scale to dictate my mood. i know it is not healthy to weigh myself repeatedly, but it has become such a habit that it is so difficult to stop. and i ask myself and i ask God, how come i was able to walk away from alcohol and cigarrettes but, i can't walk away from the scale. trust me, i have thrown away plenty of scales, and i'm ok for a little while but then i end up going to the store and get a new one. even my son has hidden it from me, but i get irrationally miserable, and he puts it back. yup, i am an addict. i know that sooner or later i will get to the point where i will find contentment and peace about my weight. until then, i keep hoping, praying, writing, talking, and using my creativity to navigate these waters. for this moment, i'm setting a boundary: have contact with the scale only once a day. for this moment i choose to affirm that the scale is not my master, it has no power nor authority over me, a number has no inherent judgment value - it can be a positive or negative integer but it cannot be good nor bad. a number has no malicious intent, only sentient beings have that capacity. i am free to accept or dimiss ALL negative judgment and hurtful criticism - i can tell people who bring that kind of attitude within my territory to kiss my beautiful brown butt!!!! i have that power.

uuuugh, we're back.... sadness is here, desperation is here, anxiety about the number on the scale is definitely here!!!! How can it be that i have gained 100 lbs!!!! NOOOO!!!! i look at pix from the 80's and 90's, and i am so ashamed; and today, i am so fucking miserable, i just wanna crawl under the blankets and just not move, not do anything, not even think. how can it be that a number can have so much power over my mood? how can it be that a number can trigger so many ugly memories of being turned away, rejected, kept at an arm's distance, sometimes farther? i mean, how can a mother tell their child that their hair is not straight enough, that their feet are too big, their behind is too big, everything is too big. yet, give praise to the younger siblings because they are cuter, more graceful, athletic, etc.

then, on top of that is the fact that tomorrow is Sean's birthday... yes, 9 years after his death i still miss the preparations to celebrate him. sometimes i would be anxious because there was not enough money to do anything special, so we would combine his birthday with Erin's, the following week. but, when we did finally "make it', i would go all out making his favorite meal, spaghetti with meatballs from scratch. it would take all day to make, but it was so worth it to see the look of contentment as he enjoyed it. no extra gift,etc, just a big bowl of pasta with gravy and huge meatloaf sized balls of meat! now, i can't even get myself to make the dish - i just don't have it. i'm so tired! 9 years after the fact and i'm still tired.

my sister-friends have suggested that i try to make the dish as a celebration to bring joy into the day, to stop feeling so sad, because "Sean wouldn't want me to be sad". and i disagree, not that he wouldn't want me to be sad, but to think that making a meal is suddely going to break this cycle of sadness. i disagree wholeheartedly. this is not something that can be glossed over and covered with gravy and meatballs. this is a life time shared with a person who saw me at my worst and my best, and still chose to walk with me, and trusted me to provide care for him until his last day on earth. someone who in his pain, and his dementia, still wanted me to hug him and kiss him. someone who prayed angels over me, and prayed demons away from me. this was not your ordinary relationship. this was a story of trauma, endurance, survival, strength, empowerment, support, anchoring, oneness in every way, a love so deep that not even death could stop.

so what do i do with today??? i have meditated, i have read, i have listened, i have contemplated, i have prayed. what next? yoga, chores, walk, translation...

be still... breathe... silence... breathe, just breathe.

ooooops!

this is an ooooooops post; a major ooooops, followed by Oh, Lord, help my unbelief!!!!

so, this is what happened...

i'm in the kitchen preparing my favorite cup of espresso; yes, fresh brewed aromatic, sweet, with just the right balance of chocolate and cinnamon notes, and yes, i am a coffee snob. so, back to the kitchen. In the middle of my morning routine of coffee with Jesus, i heard something akin to "seek first the kingdom of God". suddenly, that was paired to my own thoughts and strategies for weight loss. as i have shared before i have a very unhealthy relationship with the mirror, the scale, and food that has been diagnosed as "eating disorder". i have done extreme and dangerous things to "lose weight", all of it on my own, and by my own efforts. today i realize that i "ran the stop sign", that is, on this path that i'm walking with Holy Spirit there was a Stop/Pause to Pray sign, and i didn't. i continued ahead without even slowing down, typical California stop, just rolled right on through the intersection. Although Holy Spirit kept walking with me, They kept whispering, "you know you were suppossed to stop", not in a condeming way. rather, they just continued showing sign after sign, verse after verse, faithful to fulfill the work they had begun in me. they have continuously taken down rock after rock of the fortresses and strongholds that were weighing down my spirit, my mind, my very being.

i have often questioned how long must i "suffer" this discomfort, this pain of trauma that originated somewhere so far back in the past that i cannot put a face, nor a date, nor one singular event as the genesis of it all. i have very distinct memories of several instances that contributed to the dis-ease, the feeling that something is not quite right with me. however, i sense that there is something even deeper, more sinister, and earlier. for whatever reason, something is precluding me from accessing that particular memory. i thank God for that because it must have been a "deucy".

Going back to the original purpose of this post, ooooops! i recognize and confess that i have been remiss in aplying Matthew 6:33, to continually seek His kingdom and His righteousness and all other things will be provided, i.e. food, drink, clothing. the connection that i am seeing has to do with the way i have approached ED and all the other issues that it drags along. i have sought out the counsel of man and i have engaged in every possible twisted behavior that the world has to offer, assuming that weight is the problem. it is not. i acknowledge, not in a punishing or condemning way, that i have compartmentalized the physical and psychological trauma from the spiritual components of my self. i love to put things in sets and categories in their own cubicles, shelves, and drawers, complete with pretty printed labels. anyone who has been in my kitchen/bathroom has witnessed this phenomenon. i am an acolyte of the marie kondo school of thought, in all its ridiculousness. order brings me joy. so, of course, i would apply the same concepts to my spiritual life. yes, on my computer desktop, there are folders for prayer and intercession, bible study, devotion, meditation and contemplation. 

what does that have to do with Matt 6:33? I did not stop to sit a while with Holy Spirit to inquire Their wisdom about healing and  releasing. i have no idea what a healthy human body looks like. i have been indoctrinated by a culture that has very distorted ideas about health and beauty.  i confess that i neglected to consult with the One who determined what is good and beautiful, the One who created me and formed me in the first place. I further confess that i forgot to ask for Their opinion. Theirs is the only one that matters. I confess that i forget what They have already accomplished in me. I need to remember Psalm 103, 

"Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
3 Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
4 Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
5 Who satisfies your years with good things"

I am no longer trapped in a psych ward. He made sure that once i walked out of there i did not have to return. He made sure that one trip to rehab was enough. Now i walk in sobriety and have no desire to numb myself with alcohol, cigarrettes, or sugar. Even the issues with food are improving, not as disordered as they were a little while ago. It's been a long hard road, with ups and downs, rises and falls. my walk may not resemble yours, and it shouldn't. but if on the way our paths should cross, i pray we can hold each other up. we can comfort one another and make each other stronger. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. (Psalm 103: 1)

Another passage that keeps coming up is Paul's account of asking God to take away the "thorn on his side". The response was "grace is sufficient" (2 Corinthians 12:9) what does that mean? i'll tell you what it means to me today, as i understand it. Paul was afflicted with something so deep and so profound that it caused him terrible pain, whether physical, psychological, or spiritual that's between God and Paul. The realization that God's grace was sufficient did not stop the suffering. however, it gave him hope in the midst of the pain. i have come to believe that the pain from past experiences may last the rest of my life. however, i find hope in the knowledge that God in His magnificent mercy and compassion has extended grace unto us, in the Incarnation of His Son, in His sacrifice, resurrection and ascension, in His invitation for us to partake in the banquet that is to come, in His continued prompting and equipping to co-labor with Him in His kingdom, starting now!!!! That is HOPE. That is GRACE, and IT IS SUFFICIENT! It is enough for me to take one more breath, enough to take one more step, enough to keep moving along in this pilgrimage through His kingdom, 1Peter 2: 11, to see Him face to face in my transformed, renewed, brand-spanking new, forever body, 1 Corinthians 15: 35-58!

oh sisters

since december i have been sick. i am so congested, bloated and swollen. even the scale shows how unwell i feel. it seems like i  have gained 100 lbs, and there is no way to get rid of it. well, not really a hundred pounds, but a few. so, i have restricted, lifted weights, practiced yoga, but no loss. i have no idea what else to do, yet i refuse to accept that this is the way i am to be for the rest of my life, or the rest of eternity. i have to confess that sometimes i have trouble accepting that God would create me with so much excess fat. but, there is always a but... 

oh, Lord, i want You to help me... (singing) oh, Lord, i want You to help me,.. help me on my journey, ...help me on my way... Oh Lord, i want you to help me... while i'm singing, i want You to help me!

i know in my mind, because i have read it, and i believe it, that when we meet God face to face we will be in our transformed and perfect bodies. i know that Jesus will wipe away all my tears, and there will be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, nor pain, Rev 21: 4, in the kingdom to come. this is what builds my hope. the Lord is the foundation that keeps me waking up every morning. it doesn't matter, whether in pain, depresion, anxiety, trying to find my way through the fog, i know that i know that i know that i can always count on Him to declutter my thoughts. He is the light that shines even in the darkest recesses of my heart and mind. i pray like St. Teresa:

Let nothing disturb you, 

Let nothing frighten you, 

All things are passing away:

God never changes. 

Patience obtains all things 

Whoever has God lacks nothing;

God alone suffices.

 

and in the middle of my sadness and distress, God surrounds me in a blanket of love, personified in my sisters. these ladies respond to my cries for help. they read my posts and respond with love, compassion, mercy, and grace. they offer sage wisdom. they cry and pray with me. they share their own pain and efforts to cope with life on life's terms.

this sisterhood is sacred, divinely ordained and appointed. 

i am so fortunate and blessed to walk together with these amazing women,

....and they call, they text, they holler. 

they are relentless! 

... and i love them!!!

divorce

 i am so ready to divorce my "family". today i am acknowledging the weight of the pain i've been carrying for a few weeks. let me explain without naming names. 

a few weeks ago i visited a relative, and i forgot an undergarment that i had washed in the bathroom. this person found it and instead of just quietly throwing it out, they decided to take a picture of it and text it to me. we joked about for a little bit and i was willing to put up with the embarrassment of the situation. apparently, that was not enough for this person. they decided to form a group online that included several female cousins in the family. they posted the picture along with their attempt at humor. needless to say, i was not amused. i felt so violated at the vulgarity of publicly shaming me for wearing "big granny panties". to add insult to injury, one of the women made a comment that shook me to the core. she asked, "are you sure those are underwear or a bed sheet?" to the vulgar and the crude mind that might seem like a funny comment. 

to my hurt, broken, and bruised heart, this is a death sentence. 

i feel like the bell jar has descended around me and i am trapped inside the glass. i cannot breathe, there is not enough air. i cannot run out, i keep slamming against the thick walls. I do not have the height nor the strength to knock it over. i am trapped inside with my pain, with my desperation, with my yearning to be on the other side.

today i have cried so many tears as i mourn the passing of the possibility of having a healthy relationship with these individuals. i feel that i can no longer afford to engage them in any kind of dialogue. i am unwilling to put my vulnerable self at risk of being hurt by them again. i just cannot go into their territory to be ridiculed, criticized, and be the focus of their jokes.

so, i took the only actions that i have the strength to do. first, i wrote one of those letters that i will never mail. i have a file on my computer titled "Letters i will never send". in it i have saved documents of thoughts and letters written to individuals who have hurt me. i write to them about the incidents and how i feel about it. in those letters there are no rules, except "speak truth". so, yeah, there are a lot of expletives and grammar errors, because when i am writing them, there is no filter, no judgment. i am the only one who reads them, and if anybody ever gets a hold of the computer and reads them, it will be too late for me to care. 

Second, i "left" those groups and deleted the "conversations" from my device. i wonder how long it will take them to realize that i am not in the group. that is, if they ever have enough conscience of  other people to notice that i left the group. what is even more pathetic is that no one in the chat spoke up in my defense nor to say that the communication was inappropriate. yeah, that hurts too.

i do have one more family function to attend. i've been asked to officiate a wedding. i am having reservations about doing it. i ask myself how can i ask God to bless the union of someone who hurt me so terribly? but then again, Jesus aked the Father to forgive those who had beaten and crucified Him. If He could do it, I am sure that Holy Spirit will cover me with compassion, wisdom, and love to declare the right words over them. Or, i can just read the script, go through the routine, and be done with it.

finally, i will sign the following declaration,

I, Mirta Pimentel, will cease all contact with any family members who habitually, knowingly, and willfully harrass and mentally abuse me. I refuse to accept any written or electronic communications. This serves as a notification that I am severing the family connection and no longer want any contact or communication with them. 

furthermore, i declare that they have no power over me. they have no permission to usurp my space. i will not try to change them, nor will i change myself to meet their expectations.

i acknowledge that what i have just written may or may not reach the people who inflicted so much pain. however, i feel empowered and justified in declaring these words. 

to quote Hal, i feel so much better now.

Last day examen

 Here it is, another cycle around the sun ends. Another one begins.

Are you excited? Exhausted? Expectant? Exasperated? Ex....? Ummm, cant think of another word beginning with "ex-" to contrast exasperated. C'mon, you cunning linguists, any suggestions? 

Anywhooooo... since the last post, I've been meditating on a prayer of "examen". Not just as a daily discipline,  but to contemplate and connect with the events and situations we faced during 2022.

There were trips, missions, encounters, projects, etc. There were emotions,  laughter, tears, anger, joy, love, compassion, endurance, and steadfastness. There were hugs, lots of hugs. There was hot yoga, yin yoga, yoga nidra. Let's face it, there was a lot of yoga, with much meditation and contemplation. And, the moments that stand out the most were those morning conversations with my coffee buddy and my favorite theologian. I have been "spoiled" with these two amazing creatures. They care! 

My statement of gratitude in this examen has to begin with God's presence, protection, and provision. We experienced and celebrated nearly every day.  God continues to work and mold me after His image. I can say that I welcome this renewal and transformational work because I can trust the One who is faithful to complete it with love and a delicate touch.

Then, I have to remember and celebrate all the incredible people that provided opportunities to pray, to share in acts of justice, to hug, talk with, and speak for as interpreter and advocate. I'm grateful for my family, whether by DNA, by extension, social convention, or choice. I love youse guys!!

In this process of examen I ask Holy Spirit to lovingly identify those areas in my life that are in need of improvement.  I think about my issues with body image, self-awareness, nurturance, and acceptance. Yes, I still have those moments; like this morning getting dressed and noticing the rotund nature of my bottom in the mirror it looked like the only part showing in the mirror was this grotesquely large derriere. Yes, I still look to the scale as an indicator of my self-worth. Yes, i still have a very distorted opinion of what constitutes beauty. That is all brewing beneath the surface. However, the time I spend obsessing over these things has changed drastically. For that I am grateful. Whereas a year ago i weighed myself daily, several times a day; now, I can go days without getting on the scale. As a matter of fact, in October I went through the whole month without weighing myself. Not knowing my numbers was not as anxiety provoking as it used to be.

Prayer of Examen:

Step One: Become aware of God’s presence.

Step Two: Review the year with gratitude.

Step Three: Pay attention to your emotions.

Step Four: Choose one feature of the year and pray from it.

Step Five: Look toward the new year.

End your prayer, thanking God for love and life and holy possibilities.