ooooops!

this is an ooooooops post; a major ooooops, followed by Oh, Lord, help my unbelief!!!!

so, this is what happened...

i'm in the kitchen preparing my favorite cup of espresso; yes, fresh brewed aromatic, sweet, with just the right balance of chocolate and cinnamon notes, and yes, i am a coffee snob. so, back to the kitchen. In the middle of my morning routine of coffee with Jesus, i heard something akin to "seek first the kingdom of God". suddenly, that was paired to my own thoughts and strategies for weight loss. as i have shared before i have a very unhealthy relationship with the mirror, the scale, and food that has been diagnosed as "eating disorder". i have done extreme and dangerous things to "lose weight", all of it on my own, and by my own efforts. today i realize that i "ran the stop sign", that is, on this path that i'm walking with Holy Spirit there was a Stop/Pause to Pray sign, and i didn't. i continued ahead without even slowing down, typical California stop, just rolled right on through the intersection. Although Holy Spirit kept walking with me, They kept whispering, "you know you were suppossed to stop", not in a condeming way. rather, they just continued showing sign after sign, verse after verse, faithful to fulfill the work they had begun in me. they have continuously taken down rock after rock of the fortresses and strongholds that were weighing down my spirit, my mind, my very being.

i have often questioned how long must i "suffer" this discomfort, this pain of trauma that originated somewhere so far back in the past that i cannot put a face, nor a date, nor one singular event as the genesis of it all. i have very distinct memories of several instances that contributed to the dis-ease, the feeling that something is not quite right with me. however, i sense that there is something even deeper, more sinister, and earlier. for whatever reason, something is precluding me from accessing that particular memory. i thank God for that because it must have been a "deucy".

Going back to the original purpose of this post, ooooops! i recognize and confess that i have been remiss in aplying Matthew 6:33, to continually seek His kingdom and His righteousness and all other things will be provided, i.e. food, drink, clothing. the connection that i am seeing has to do with the way i have approached ED and all the other issues that it drags along. i have sought out the counsel of man and i have engaged in every possible twisted behavior that the world has to offer, assuming that weight is the problem. it is not. i acknowledge, not in a punishing or condemning way, that i have compartmentalized the physical and psychological trauma from the spiritual components of my self. i love to put things in sets and categories in their own cubicles, shelves, and drawers, complete with pretty printed labels. anyone who has been in my kitchen/bathroom has witnessed this phenomenon. i am an acolyte of the marie kondo school of thought, in all its ridiculousness. order brings me joy. so, of course, i would apply the same concepts to my spiritual life. yes, on my computer desktop, there are folders for prayer and intercession, bible study, devotion, meditation and contemplation. 

what does that have to do with Matt 6:33? I did not stop to sit a while with Holy Spirit to inquire Their wisdom about healing and  releasing. i have no idea what a healthy human body looks like. i have been indoctrinated by a culture that has very distorted ideas about health and beauty.  i confess that i neglected to consult with the One who determined what is good and beautiful, the One who created me and formed me in the first place. I further confess that i forgot to ask for Their opinion. Theirs is the only one that matters. I confess that i forget what They have already accomplished in me. I need to remember Psalm 103, 

"Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
3 Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
4 Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
5 Who satisfies your years with good things"

I am no longer trapped in a psych ward. He made sure that once i walked out of there i did not have to return. He made sure that one trip to rehab was enough. Now i walk in sobriety and have no desire to numb myself with alcohol, cigarrettes, or sugar. Even the issues with food are improving, not as disordered as they were a little while ago. It's been a long hard road, with ups and downs, rises and falls. my walk may not resemble yours, and it shouldn't. but if on the way our paths should cross, i pray we can hold each other up. we can comfort one another and make each other stronger. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. (Psalm 103: 1)

Another passage that keeps coming up is Paul's account of asking God to take away the "thorn on his side". The response was "grace is sufficient" (2 Corinthians 12:9) what does that mean? i'll tell you what it means to me today, as i understand it. Paul was afflicted with something so deep and so profound that it caused him terrible pain, whether physical, psychological, or spiritual that's between God and Paul. The realization that God's grace was sufficient did not stop the suffering. however, it gave him hope in the midst of the pain. i have come to believe that the pain from past experiences may last the rest of my life. however, i find hope in the knowledge that God in His magnificent mercy and compassion has extended grace unto us, in the Incarnation of His Son, in His sacrifice, resurrection and ascension, in His invitation for us to partake in the banquet that is to come, in His continued prompting and equipping to co-labor with Him in His kingdom, starting now!!!! That is HOPE. That is GRACE, and IT IS SUFFICIENT! It is enough for me to take one more breath, enough to take one more step, enough to keep moving along in this pilgrimage through His kingdom, 1Peter 2: 11, to see Him face to face in my transformed, renewed, brand-spanking new, forever body, 1 Corinthians 15: 35-58!