i am so ready to divorce my "family". today i am acknowledging the weight of the pain i've been carrying for a few weeks. let me explain without naming names.
a few weeks ago i visited a relative, and i forgot an undergarment that i had washed in the bathroom. this person found it and instead of just quietly throwing it out, they decided to take a picture of it and text it to me. we joked about for a little bit and i was willing to put up with the embarrassment of the situation. apparently, that was not enough for this person. they decided to form a group online that included several female cousins in the family. they posted the picture along with their attempt at humor. needless to say, i was not amused. i felt so violated at the vulgarity of publicly shaming me for wearing "big granny panties". to add insult to injury, one of the women made a comment that shook me to the core. she asked, "are you sure those are underwear or a bed sheet?" to the vulgar and the crude mind that might seem like a funny comment.
to my hurt, broken, and bruised heart, this is a death sentence.
i feel like the bell jar has descended around me and i am trapped inside the glass. i cannot breathe, there is not enough air. i cannot run out, i keep slamming against the thick walls. I do not have the height nor the strength to knock it over. i am trapped inside with my pain, with my desperation, with my yearning to be on the other side.
today i have cried so many tears as i mourn the passing of the possibility of having a healthy relationship with these individuals. i feel that i can no longer afford to engage them in any kind of dialogue. i am unwilling to put my vulnerable self at risk of being hurt by them again. i just cannot go into their territory to be ridiculed, criticized, and be the focus of their jokes.
so, i took the only actions that i have the strength to do. first, i wrote one of those letters that i will never mail. i have a file on my computer titled "Letters i will never send". in it i have saved documents of thoughts and letters written to individuals who have hurt me. i write to them about the incidents and how i feel about it. in those letters there are no rules, except "speak truth". so, yeah, there are a lot of expletives and grammar errors, because when i am writing them, there is no filter, no judgment. i am the only one who reads them, and if anybody ever gets a hold of the computer and reads them, it will be too late for me to care.
Second, i "left" those groups and deleted the "conversations" from my device. i wonder how long it will take them to realize that i am not in the group. that is, if they ever have enough conscience of other people to notice that i left the group. what is even more pathetic is that no one in the chat spoke up in my defense nor to say that the communication was inappropriate. yeah, that hurts too.
i do have one more family function to attend. i've been asked to officiate a wedding. i am having reservations about doing it. i ask myself how can i ask God to bless the union of someone who hurt me so terribly? but then again, Jesus aked the Father to forgive those who had beaten and crucified Him. If He could do it, I am sure that Holy Spirit will cover me with compassion, wisdom, and love to declare the right words over them. Or, i can just read the script, go through the routine, and be done with it.
finally, i will sign the following declaration,
I, Mirta Pimentel, will cease all contact with any family members who habitually, knowingly, and willfully harrass and mentally abuse me. I refuse to accept any written or electronic communications. This serves as a notification that I am severing the family connection and no longer want any contact or communication with them.
furthermore, i declare that they have no power over me. they have no permission to usurp my space. i will not try to change them, nor will i change myself to meet their expectations.
i acknowledge that what i have just written may or may not reach the people who inflicted so much pain. however, i feel empowered and justified in declaring these words.
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