THIS moment

 

 

feeling fairly anxious today. I got on the scale early this morning and my weight is up. so, of course, the alarm bells go off; red alert! red alert! Immediately, I’m disappointed, and I try to figure out why. was it something I ate? something I drank? No, there was nothing unusual. As a matter of fact, I only ate a small salad; drank all my water. Oh, but I had some chips – salty. But, it’s not like I ate the whole bag. I don’t know. It’s just another day that my weight is way off, and I’m miserable. Another day that the scale, rather the number on the scale dictates my mood. And I feel like I’m gonna jump out of my skin.

I know I have that dli reunion coming up and I had sworn that I would lose the weight, so I could look somewhat decent. I really don’t know what that means. It’s not like I was a major prize winner to begin with. Even when I was in the military, I felt less than cuz all the other girls were always getting the attention. "R" had the blue eyes, "K" had the blonde hair, "K2" had that smile, "R2" was just gorgeous. Me? a big butt. There is nothing special about me. I’m just average, average intelligence, bad hair, freckles, chubby, awkward, mediocre artist. Yet I always wanted to be special, to live up to the smart girl reputation. yes, i suffer from "impostor syndrome".

I would hear guys talking about other girls and I wondered if they would ever talk about me in that way. I don’t think so. They were there to grab, fondle, insult, call names. I remember 9^th grade, all my little friends had boyfriends. I was not boyfriend material. The only one who paid attention to me was "N", and he was way older than me. he was there to do the deed and then he disappeared.

I remember the shame, the blaming, the interrogation, the denial, the pain of it all, being treated as if it was all my fault, so humiliating, so public. It seemed that everyone who was important to me was disappointed in me. it seemed that they were more interested in what I did rather than what was done to me. I was 14!!!! What the hell did I know???

So, all these things keep coming up and I keep re-living it. I don’t want to it just happens. How can I stop re-living these events? How can I remember without the emotions? Just when I think I’m getting over something, there’s another story, another event, and I am left with the shame, the guilt, the condemnation. No matter how many times I have recited romans 8:1, I keep coming back to some other shameful event.

How long will I have to endure this?

 

i have been fasting (IF, 20/4) regularly, and still weight keeps fluctuating, but not going down. i'm so exhausted, hungry and not sleeping well. i know, duh! i can be so smart and talented for some things, and yet when it comes to weight and appearance i behave so erratically. so, i'm doing some corrective work. i uninstalled the fasting tracker app from my phone, and told my son to hide the scale, again. i'm so tired of these cycles.

 

 

how would i encourage someone who feels like this?

1.     Remind yourself how you can identify with those feelings. Then, read “the religion of thinness”:

“There is a more ominous hunger, and I was and am not alone in sensing it. It squirms under the sternum, clawing at the throat. At school we were hungry and lost and scared and young and we needed religion, salvation—something to fill the anxious hollow in our chests. Many of us sought it in food and thinness.” –Marya Hornbacher1

2.    “Somewhere deep inside, you know that to be a whole person you don’t have to be thin.”

3.    “You may actually be unaware that your spirit is hungry, because judging and controlling your body distances you from your feelings, thoughts, desires, and needs. And so, unconsciously, you search for something to help you feel alive again. Maybe that something is the physical feeling of hunger. Perhaps it is the sensation of eating, an act that brings our minds and bodies together, just as starving ourselves seems to drive them apart. It could be the fantasy of thinness, which always gives us something to strive for, something to look forward to, the happy ending. In any case, based on the amount of time and energy we spend worrying about how to look and what, how much, and whether or not to eat, it’s clear that, for many of us, our spiritual needs have been engulfed by an enormous black hole—one that we unconsciously hope to fill with the The Religion of Thinness.”

4.    “…beneath your great efforts to erase your body and contain its cravings, there is a desire to connect with your flesh, to be at home in your own skin, to experience the power of life that animates your body and enlivens your spirit. For the more we get in touch with the needs of our hearts and souls, the more our faith in thinness loses its importance.”

 [Lelwica, Michelle M.. The Religion of Thinness: Satisfying the Spiritual Hungers Behind Women's Obsession with Food and Weight (pp. 16-17). Gürze Books. Kindle Edition.]

 

most importantly, BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT... keep reading... breathe in, breathe out.

never underestimate the power of silence, wait for the silence, give yourself an opportunity to experience the sacred silence, the Holy Spirit of God will find you there.

 remember to laugh...

processing

 this morning i'm reading and reflecting on anger, emotions, why i keep leaving churches or religious groups. i mean there seems to be a pattern there. i start out with a group enthusiastically. i find a position to serve, i do my tithing, and i am in the fellowship. then, something will happen to "sour" the relationship, and i will begin the distancing process, or i just quit for whateveer reason. usually it is a matter of theology or interpretation of bible, etc. the latest is my withdrawal from vertical church. it had been coming for a while. i was feeling like i didn't belong or that my opinion did not matter.

so, i'm trying to reason thru emotions of self-worth, self-deprecation, self-abuse. what is the pattern here? do i seek relationships wherein i will ultimately feel victimized and then go into blaming mode, "look what they did to me". is that how i operate? i wonder... if so, why???? why can't i be content to attend a church and just deal with it. there are people who attend a church for decades and have no problem, yet i cannot seem to be that way. why? or is this just another lie from the enemy of the soul so that i will punish myself for abandoning yet another religious group. 

God, do you have an answer for me?

then my son says: 'momma, you don't have to give me gifts, just having you is a gift', ok, heart melted

new creation?

 

am i REALLY a "new creation"? or am i cursed? bible tells me that all creation is cursed because of faulty decision making mechanisms in the garden. so, it stands to reason that i am cursed as well.

am i destined to look like this forever? i sure hope not! besides, paul says that we will meet Jesus in our transformed bodies... but how will we look? the text tells us that when Jesus came back in resurrection power He must have looked different because his closest friends could not recognize Him readily.

if i am a new creation, like paul says, then why do i STILL look the same????? i acknowledge that there are significant differences in terms of behavior, mood, spirit, health. BUT, i still look like a manatee, and weigh as much as a baby elephant (and not the cute "disney-dumbo" one)!!! it doesn't seem fair. this is how crazy my thinking gets, "how come a strung out addict gets to be skinny, and i'm not strung out BUT I'M STILL FAT?!?" AND, today's culture and society deems fat, or even curvy, as undesirable. this is madness... or am i the only crazy one... 

i don't think so. there are so many desperate people trying, and dying, to fit into unrealistic parameters of beauty that the market has developed industries, "scientific" methods, religions, philosophies, etc., that cater to the despairing, anguished, distressed, miserable, hungry masses! THIS is the madness.

LORD, Holy Spirit, please, please, please continue the good work that You began in me. i want to grow up to be a different me, not the same, not even better, not a "2.0"... i want to be a completely different me, in every way; fashioned after your image, radiant, strong, beautiful; your way of thinking and reasoning; your way of feeling and experiencing emotions in peace, joy, hope, compassion, gentleness, kindness, steadfastness. i want to be like you. i want to be with you. like john said, "come quickly!"

amen

 this past couple weeks i have been so tired... i can barely move about. i get up from my futon and travel the vast distance to my other nest. i struggle through the dry emptiness before me, befouled by human gas emanations, dragon breath, and sweat. it is a long painful journey as i try to stretch and set into motion arthritic joints, and  misaligned vertebrae. at last, i arrive and i sigh with relief, when i finally see my destination. Behold, my inner sanctum, my warm fluffy security blanket, my scentsy grogu- smells so good! my corner on the couch with a cushion that has been formed with a permanent imprint of my buttocks.

uffff, hair!!!

it is ok to laugh. you have my permission. you are welcome! 

gentle whisper

 

Why is it that there is a moment everyday when my mood just tanks? I feel the pressure in my chest and my stomach. I want to cry out, yet I do not… I dare not. I would not want to scare anybody around me.

Today I sense a paradox in me. there is an intense desire to commune with others who are of same mind, a profound desire to congregate with others whose sole desire and purpose is to glorify God. I do not need to make noise. I do not need a silly 20 minute exhortation on how to make life better, followed by more noise. Today I would not be able to abide the touching and hugging and “look at me/pay attention to me” behaviors. I am looking for that silent meditation, contemplation upon the manifestation of God’s glory; as the heavens declare the glory of God, and the skies proclaim the work of his hands (Ps 19:1). No words needed, no program, no show, only silence and expectation. My heart tells me that the Spirit of the Lord is there. The Spirit tells my spirit to sit, to wait, to expect.

Remember Elijah when he was in the cave?

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah? (1 Kings 19: 11-14)

I ask myself every day, “mirta, what are you doing here? What are you hoping to accomplish? The answer eludes me. I keep telling myself that I am in healing mode. I go through the motions: therapy, stretching, chiropractic, swimming, fasting, meditating, drawing, cleaning, cooking… wash, rinse, repeat. I even drive out to green spaces where I can connect with nature. Still, there is something missing. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m looking, searching. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but when I find it, I’ll know.

Meanwhile, I know that I am in the wrong body, not in terms of gender but in size. I am convinced that what I see in the mirror is not my true self. Once in a while I catch a glimpse of “me”. sometimes I see me in the gentle curl of a strand of hair, or when I stand on one leg firm and resolute; when my fingers curl around the pen to draw delicate lines; when my voice joins a
harmony in perfect pitch and tone.

 
I definitely see me when I am on my knees, in child’s pose, heart melting into the ground, forehead down, breathing slowly, staying in the moment, sensing the blanket of comfort that envelops in that moment, the peace, the quiet, the expectation that God is about to whisper something sweet over me. yes, that’s it! That’s what I’m looking for…

 

until...

 

Today, I feel the need to clarify a few things. If you are reading this, it is because I trust the power of the Spirit within you to join me in prayer, compassion, humanity, with wisdom and sage. I am in a safe and stable environment where I can heal, meditate, and express who I am. This began as a writing assignment, to journal emotions as I experience them, as per advice from my counselor. I chose to make it public, I still don’t know the exact reason for that. A cry for help or attention? Perhaps…

However, as I continue to unfold, peel, reveal, dig, and share, I find points of connection with others.

This is a journey of healing, remembrance, giving voice to that part of me that for so long had to remain quiet for the sake of others. This is my safe space; my moment of sacred communion; where the storm rages, the winds blow, the waters rise, the thunder gives voice to something so profound, so violent, so true, so real… all of it is me. this is the perfect place and time to experience emotions, process feelings, and relinquish all unwanted fears and anxieties.

This is THE moment. This is THE season.

 Lord, i need to know if my life has any kind of purpose right now

what is my why? it's not about what i do, or what i've done. i've been and done so many things...

• student
• soldier
• momma
• housewife
• dependent
• childcare worker
• counselor
• teacher
• missionary
• interpreter/translator
• artisan

that's my resume, not my purpose. 

i have worn so many masks, put them on, take them off, layed them down, stored some of them, burned others, put another one back on.... it's exhausting. 

today is one of those days that i just want to open my mouth wide and let out that primal scream that just keeps going and going and going, until i have exhausted all the scream, expelled all the anger, hurt, rage, pain, fat, insanity, regret, denial, negativity, awkward memories, shame, embarrassement, guilt, darkness; all of it gone.

 then, what is left of me? an open wound? 

yes... 

and this is where the journey can get muddy because i have to make a decision. there are several choices in lighting, like at the home improvement center. i need to decide what kind of effect do i want to have in my environment. 

these days i prefer the soft hues of warm amber tones. i long for the woody scents of embers in the fireplace. i remember the first "apartment" we shared. it was a small studio cabin in washington state, surrounded by tall pines; it rained constantly. our favorite thing to do was sit in front of the fireplace, talking and making plans, awaiting the birth of our first son. that's the kind of light i want in my life; that soft glow, the sound of the rain, the smell of wood burning, the love, the hope, the dreams, the safety, the power of that sacred moment. i know that i still long for that feeling...

i had that. i lived it. it was real, and i know it can be real for me yet again. 

my two year old inner child is screaming - "i want it NOW!!!!" and i have to soothe her, hold her, rock her, softly whisper in her ear, "soon, baby, soon..." we just sit in this sweet embrace, rocking, humming. slowly we stand, cross our arms on our chest, and we beging to spin, following the rythm and direction of our heart. round and round we go, stretching our arms, right hand facing up, ready to receive every blessing, insight, wisdom, comfort, and healing that God has prepared for us; left hand facing down, towards the earth to remind us that we are still in this plane of existence, waiting.