processing

 this morning i'm reading and reflecting on anger, emotions, why i keep leaving churches or religious groups. i mean there seems to be a pattern there. i start out with a group enthusiastically. i find a position to serve, i do my tithing, and i am in the fellowship. then, something will happen to "sour" the relationship, and i will begin the distancing process, or i just quit for whateveer reason. usually it is a matter of theology or interpretation of bible, etc. the latest is my withdrawal from vertical church. it had been coming for a while. i was feeling like i didn't belong or that my opinion did not matter.

so, i'm trying to reason thru emotions of self-worth, self-deprecation, self-abuse. what is the pattern here? do i seek relationships wherein i will ultimately feel victimized and then go into blaming mode, "look what they did to me". is that how i operate? i wonder... if so, why???? why can't i be content to attend a church and just deal with it. there are people who attend a church for decades and have no problem, yet i cannot seem to be that way. why? or is this just another lie from the enemy of the soul so that i will punish myself for abandoning yet another religious group. 

God, do you have an answer for me?

then my son says: 'momma, you don't have to give me gifts, just having you is a gift', ok, heart melted