oh sisters

since december i have been sick. i am so congested, bloated and swollen. even the scale shows how unwell i feel. it seems like i  have gained 100 lbs, and there is no way to get rid of it. well, not really a hundred pounds, but a few. so, i have restricted, lifted weights, practiced yoga, but no loss. i have no idea what else to do, yet i refuse to accept that this is the way i am to be for the rest of my life, or the rest of eternity. i have to confess that sometimes i have trouble accepting that God would create me with so much excess fat. but, there is always a but... 

oh, Lord, i want You to help me... (singing) oh, Lord, i want You to help me,.. help me on my journey, ...help me on my way... Oh Lord, i want you to help me... while i'm singing, i want You to help me!

i know in my mind, because i have read it, and i believe it, that when we meet God face to face we will be in our transformed and perfect bodies. i know that Jesus will wipe away all my tears, and there will be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, nor pain, Rev 21: 4, in the kingdom to come. this is what builds my hope. the Lord is the foundation that keeps me waking up every morning. it doesn't matter, whether in pain, depresion, anxiety, trying to find my way through the fog, i know that i know that i know that i can always count on Him to declutter my thoughts. He is the light that shines even in the darkest recesses of my heart and mind. i pray like St. Teresa:

Let nothing disturb you, 

Let nothing frighten you, 

All things are passing away:

God never changes. 

Patience obtains all things 

Whoever has God lacks nothing;

God alone suffices.

 

and in the middle of my sadness and distress, God surrounds me in a blanket of love, personified in my sisters. these ladies respond to my cries for help. they read my posts and respond with love, compassion, mercy, and grace. they offer sage wisdom. they cry and pray with me. they share their own pain and efforts to cope with life on life's terms.

this sisterhood is sacred, divinely ordained and appointed. 

i am so fortunate and blessed to walk together with these amazing women,

....and they call, they text, they holler. 

they are relentless! 

... and i love them!!!

divorce

 i am so ready to divorce my "family". today i am acknowledging the weight of the pain i've been carrying for a few weeks. let me explain without naming names. 

a few weeks ago i visited a relative, and i forgot an undergarment that i had washed in the bathroom. this person found it and instead of just quietly throwing it out, they decided to take a picture of it and text it to me. we joked about for a little bit and i was willing to put up with the embarrassment of the situation. apparently, that was not enough for this person. they decided to form a group online that included several female cousins in the family. they posted the picture along with their attempt at humor. needless to say, i was not amused. i felt so violated at the vulgarity of publicly shaming me for wearing "big granny panties". to add insult to injury, one of the women made a comment that shook me to the core. she asked, "are you sure those are underwear or a bed sheet?" to the vulgar and the crude mind that might seem like a funny comment. 

to my hurt, broken, and bruised heart, this is a death sentence. 

i feel like the bell jar has descended around me and i am trapped inside the glass. i cannot breathe, there is not enough air. i cannot run out, i keep slamming against the thick walls. I do not have the height nor the strength to knock it over. i am trapped inside with my pain, with my desperation, with my yearning to be on the other side.

today i have cried so many tears as i mourn the passing of the possibility of having a healthy relationship with these individuals. i feel that i can no longer afford to engage them in any kind of dialogue. i am unwilling to put my vulnerable self at risk of being hurt by them again. i just cannot go into their territory to be ridiculed, criticized, and be the focus of their jokes.

so, i took the only actions that i have the strength to do. first, i wrote one of those letters that i will never mail. i have a file on my computer titled "Letters i will never send". in it i have saved documents of thoughts and letters written to individuals who have hurt me. i write to them about the incidents and how i feel about it. in those letters there are no rules, except "speak truth". so, yeah, there are a lot of expletives and grammar errors, because when i am writing them, there is no filter, no judgment. i am the only one who reads them, and if anybody ever gets a hold of the computer and reads them, it will be too late for me to care. 

Second, i "left" those groups and deleted the "conversations" from my device. i wonder how long it will take them to realize that i am not in the group. that is, if they ever have enough conscience of  other people to notice that i left the group. what is even more pathetic is that no one in the chat spoke up in my defense nor to say that the communication was inappropriate. yeah, that hurts too.

i do have one more family function to attend. i've been asked to officiate a wedding. i am having reservations about doing it. i ask myself how can i ask God to bless the union of someone who hurt me so terribly? but then again, Jesus aked the Father to forgive those who had beaten and crucified Him. If He could do it, I am sure that Holy Spirit will cover me with compassion, wisdom, and love to declare the right words over them. Or, i can just read the script, go through the routine, and be done with it.

finally, i will sign the following declaration,

I, Mirta Pimentel, will cease all contact with any family members who habitually, knowingly, and willfully harrass and mentally abuse me. I refuse to accept any written or electronic communications. This serves as a notification that I am severing the family connection and no longer want any contact or communication with them. 

furthermore, i declare that they have no power over me. they have no permission to usurp my space. i will not try to change them, nor will i change myself to meet their expectations.

i acknowledge that what i have just written may or may not reach the people who inflicted so much pain. however, i feel empowered and justified in declaring these words. 

to quote Hal, i feel so much better now.

Last day examen

 Here it is, another cycle around the sun ends. Another one begins.

Are you excited? Exhausted? Expectant? Exasperated? Ex....? Ummm, cant think of another word beginning with "ex-" to contrast exasperated. C'mon, you cunning linguists, any suggestions? 

Anywhooooo... since the last post, I've been meditating on a prayer of "examen". Not just as a daily discipline,  but to contemplate and connect with the events and situations we faced during 2022.

There were trips, missions, encounters, projects, etc. There were emotions,  laughter, tears, anger, joy, love, compassion, endurance, and steadfastness. There were hugs, lots of hugs. There was hot yoga, yin yoga, yoga nidra. Let's face it, there was a lot of yoga, with much meditation and contemplation. And, the moments that stand out the most were those morning conversations with my coffee buddy and my favorite theologian. I have been "spoiled" with these two amazing creatures. They care! 

My statement of gratitude in this examen has to begin with God's presence, protection, and provision. We experienced and celebrated nearly every day.  God continues to work and mold me after His image. I can say that I welcome this renewal and transformational work because I can trust the One who is faithful to complete it with love and a delicate touch.

Then, I have to remember and celebrate all the incredible people that provided opportunities to pray, to share in acts of justice, to hug, talk with, and speak for as interpreter and advocate. I'm grateful for my family, whether by DNA, by extension, social convention, or choice. I love youse guys!!

In this process of examen I ask Holy Spirit to lovingly identify those areas in my life that are in need of improvement.  I think about my issues with body image, self-awareness, nurturance, and acceptance. Yes, I still have those moments; like this morning getting dressed and noticing the rotund nature of my bottom in the mirror it looked like the only part showing in the mirror was this grotesquely large derriere. Yes, I still look to the scale as an indicator of my self-worth. Yes, i still have a very distorted opinion of what constitutes beauty. That is all brewing beneath the surface. However, the time I spend obsessing over these things has changed drastically. For that I am grateful. Whereas a year ago i weighed myself daily, several times a day; now, I can go days without getting on the scale. As a matter of fact, in October I went through the whole month without weighing myself. Not knowing my numbers was not as anxiety provoking as it used to be.

Prayer of Examen:

Step One: Become aware of God’s presence.

Step Two: Review the year with gratitude.

Step Three: Pay attention to your emotions.

Step Four: Choose one feature of the year and pray from it.

Step Five: Look toward the new year.

End your prayer, thanking God for love and life and holy possibilities.

To-do follow-up

 I figure it is only fair to do a quick follow-up to yesterday's post. So many of you took the time to respond with pictures and videos that inspired and held my heart with care, compassion,  and prayers. 

I LOVE YOU!

Okay, okay... merry Christmas to y'all!

Remember,  it's for the wonder of THE ONE who came to make himself known to us, up close and personal. It is about love, compassion, mercy, grace,  healing, comfort, wisdom, and JOY.

This has been a GOOD YEAR! Looking forward to an even better one...

In Christ, with Christ, for Christ!

To-Do-List

 

...so today i struggle with all the reminders that "tis the season"!

and i understand if all the lights and the music fill you with warm sweet memories of love and expectation; the smells that mean home, hugs, pageantry; cookies and hot chocolate, presents and fa-la-la-la-la. if that is you, please ENJOY - wrap yourself in your warm blanket of comfort, joy, and peace.

BUT, please be mindful and compassionate of those of us who do not share in the "magic of christmas".

seldom do i recall a truly joyful event related to the holiday season. i do remember the drinking, the "parranda" -

 Puerto Rico's loud and boisterous version of caroling. nothing will instill fear into the heart of a puertorrican maternal figure than the sounds of a noisily approaching group of drunks, shushing each other, coming to your house at 2AM demanding that you get up to feed them and quench their

thirst for "coquito" and "pitorro". In the US, you would call the police and register a complaint of loud noise. In PR, you call your "vecinos" to bring over whatever food they can spare to feed the mob. this is done out of desperation, born out of the "what will they say" mentality that pervades our combination of "shame and honor" cultural marker. incidentally, if any of these foreign words cause you some discomfort - you are entirely welcome. i meant to take you out of your comfort zone. type the word in your favorite search engine, and educate yourself. i had to. USA, did not come with a handy-dandy instruction manual. instead, foreigners are left at your shores, by whatever conveyance of transport, to flounder and attempt to navigate one the most convoluted, disgustingly biased, incredibly flawed, immigration systems on the planet. Most countries will be very upfront about whether or not they will welcome someone. the US planted a very unflattering looking woman at a major entry point declaring "give me your huddled masses yearning to be free", but they forgot to add the asterisk that will direct you to the very tiny print at the bottom, "only if you are melanin challenged, and can provide evidence of your pedigree. everybody else may come in but only if they agree to forfeit certain privileges, live in servitude, and pledge your children in perpetuity as the working class".  but, i digress...

what were we talking about? oh, yes the delusion of holiday merriment. no, im not saying you are deluded. i'm saying that i am brokenhearted by the illusion in which i was raised, that everything that came from Spain/US was patently so much better than anything home grown. Our language, traditions, culture, religion, everything and anything related to this time of year, has been imposed by others. i really do wish i could remember a time when a holiday tradition was not punctuated by some bizarre ritual or image that was so contrary to our tropical environment, to the natural foods in the island, to the sound of the sea, to the cool morning breeze in the mountains, to bright and beautiful flora that dominates the view and threatens to overtake anything manmade. yes, i am a romantic, an idealist... dare i to dream?

what happens when someone wants to break out of that tight mold of gifting expectations that demand a piece of paper that guarantees that the item was manufactured by someone other than yourself? i will tell you what happens, that precious spark of creativity and thoughtfulness is set aside and seen as having less value. it breaks the heart when you sense the look of disappointment or derision at a homespun item that is discarded or carelessly left behind. BUT... i do have a "happy box" filled with handwritten, hand drawn cards, doodles, and love notes from dear ones who understand my yen for the extraordinary, the unique, the simply joyful exchange of compassion that comes with each treasured item. 

this year, i don't even have the energy to think about holiday decor, gift giving, travel, etc. i don't even have the resources to purchase materials for making presents. i'd like to think, and declare, that i invested this year's gift giving cash in visiting people, family, and friends, throughout the country, throughout the year. however, i don't even think that people would consider those visits as a gift of love and companionship, forging memories and relationships.

perhaps, i underestimate the strength of those bonds. frankly, i am just plain tired, exhausted, and not looking forward to this holiday season. can we just skip it? can we just finish the year quietly? may be that is what i will do. turn off, quiet down, tune out, wrap myself in a blanket of self-soothing comfort, being mindful of Holy Spirit presence and peace, no worry or anxiety about gifts and cards that i cannot afford, beginning the year in debt and financial concerns, spending energy in projects that are not appreciated nor bear fruit. Maybe, i'll start a new family tradition. Let's get out of our comfort zone, join another family in discomfort, and walk together into new possibilities, dreams, new beginnings.

so, i am appropriating this to do list... this is more my speed...

 and we're back...

back to the reality that stares back at me from the mirror;

back to pinching my excess flesh; 

back to heart racing and struggling;

back to headaches and pressure;

back to coveting and wanting a smaller, thinner me;

back to thinking that starvation and punishing the body is a viable weight loss method;

back where i do not want to be... where i do not belong.

how do i get out of this space? where do i turn? where do i go? what can i do?

instantly my mind goes to scripture, Their presence is here, in my despair, in my hopelessness, in my weakness, in my exhaustion, in my pain, They are here. Yes, They, the fullness of all that They are - Father, Mother, Husband, Brother, High Priest, Sacrificial Lamb, River of Life, Bread, Comforter, Counselor, Wisdom, Redeemer, all of that and more.

now this space is filled with Presence, Stillness, Peace, Comfort... silencio 

 compassion... what does look like? how does it feel? 

i have to share with you something that happenned recently while i was in the studio. i showed up early so that i could pick a "good spot", not too close to the mirror, but still able to see myself. i took one look at my hips and i saw a roundness that i had not considered before. i thought, "wow, those are amazing beautiful hips!" since i know that Holy Spirit is with me wherever i go, and i speak with them often, i said, "is that what You see?" suddenly, a wave of compassion (more like a tsunami) moved through me and i cried. i cried for all the times i scolded and punished myself for not looking like a magazine model, or what this culture says i should look like. i cried for all the lost time spent hating my body, not appreciating the work of God's hand. oh, and there were also tears of joy, relief, and release as i entered into His compassion for me. i cried as i, in the spirit, ran into their arms - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. i could feel their warm embrace, and i still do. now, i am walking in the full knowledge that i can see what They see in me, and love what They love about me. that though my body continues to mature and age, i am doing so with grace through their grace and mercy. 

today, i can say with all certainty that i love my curls and my gray. i love the way it frames my round face.

i love how i have deep lines around my mouth because it means that i have stretched my lips in outrageous laughter. i love that i have strong legs that support me and allow me to achieve balance to overcome the vertigo that sometimes shows up. i love that i have a strong back that can bend in all four directions, that i can do back bends, bow poses, and camel poses.

in that respect, i love that i am surrounded by a community of love and compassion, where we hold each other up, encourage one another, hug through the difficult times, and can laugh together loudly, uniquely, and joyously. oh, i just love the work that Holy Spirit is doing in me, from the inside out, as it should be. that work then produces the healing - physically, mentally, most of all, spiritually. i truly marvel, like the psalmist, at God's workmanship, that i am His "poiema", a work of art that has been lovingly and carefully crafted by the Master Artisan.

one thing i find even more precious is the certainty that this body that i am seeing now is not the body that i will carry for eternity. i believe with all my heart, mind, and soul that i will be transformed and be made wholly perfect and complete; no more wrinkles, nor misaligned vertebrae, no more aches and pains. i believe i will be able to run and jump, do cartwheels, dance like i have never danced before - and you know i'm puerto rican so that's gonna be fierce!!! once in a while i see glimpses of how that's gonna be, and the fact that i'm not gonna be alone; the fact that i will be surrounded by people who speak the language i prefer, the language of peace, love and compassion; the fact that i will be in an environment that is specifically designed to be creative, to work the garden, to sing, shout, dance, hug, and LOVE... that astounds me, yet fills me with unspeakable joy.

i know that i am still on the healing journey. i am very aware that some days will be difficult to navigate, yet at this time i am filled with gratitude, and i am going to ride this for all it is worth. i am going to remain in this moment and breathe, i am going to remain in contemplation of the goodness and the peace that surrounds me. i am going to focus on the beauty in me and around me, a beauty that will never diminish because it is fueled by Someone who is eternal, inmutable, infallible, inefable.

thank You God!!!!

my prayer tonight for me and for you, dear sojourner, is

"Holy Spirit, you are our comforter. every moment of every day , you are all that we need. fill us with your presence and peace. heal our hearts, our bodies, our souls, and our minds from all trauma and release your comfort into every area of our lives. You will bring us through every difficult and painful circumstance. not only will you bring us through them, you will also comfort us in the middle of them, giving us peace that doesn't come from this world.

you are helping us and healing us. give us an eternal comfort and a wonderful hope and strengthen us in every good thing we do and say. in the midst of trouble, we will cry out to You. Your unfailing love is our comfort!"* 

in Jesus' name, Amen.

*Adapted from "Prayers & Promises for Healing", p.26.