i am so tired of being the biggest one in the room! it seems that everywhere i go, every activity i practice, everywhere i look, i'm the biggest person present. why is that???? is it my mind playing tricks on me. what kind of sadist am, that i do that to myself? what did i do to deserve this?am i so hideous??? am i so evil? have i done such terrible things that i deserve to be punished again and again, relentlessly for 63 years... not a minute of peace???? meanwhile there are women who seem to walk about placidly, contentedly, assured in their own being and self-perception. i am not one of them, never have been, and it seems that i never will be.

i remember conversations with my parents when they would make references to people and called them "FAT", using an exagerated inflection, that seemed so hurtful and disapproving. i could only surmise that if they talked about them in such a way, surely they talked about me in the same way. people who gossip have a tendency to do just that. so, if someone is talking to you about someone else, rest assured they will talk about you to other people. that is their undeniable nature. instead of being moved to compassion and praying for the person who is in pain and suffering, they choose to denigrate and undermine. file this under "what not to do unto others".

... later...

...much later, after many thoughts spoken through tears and sighs...

it amazes me every single time... how healing it is to move some of these "files" from the dark recesses of my soul into the light. oh, my goodness!!!! it feels so good to verbalize, to externalize, to air out, to identify, to point out, to put a label on all these ugly thoughts, nasty memories, old tapes, etc. it feels so good to look at them, breathe through them, and let them pass through me. it feels so good to actively tell these images that they are not invited to stay. they have no permission to remain. they must move on. my mind ain't your house. Go home, there is no reason for you to be here!!!!

update on the art/craft projects- ALL finished, moving on to the next.

update on translation - one book done, one to go. i will be traveling to SoDak to do translation/interpreting for a month-long assignment.

this is all i have for now...

messy creative life

 

this is my life right now... messy, disjointed, half finished projects. sooner or later they will all get finished, but in the process my mind just feels so jumbled up with ideas bubbling up everywhere. i want to do them all at once. there seems to be a sense of urgency that i need to do these things before i cannot do them anymore. i know that there will come a time when i won't be able to do these things... or maybe it is the fear that i am becoming my mother who had a number od comorbidities, was nearly blind, deaf, and contended with her eating disorder til the day she died. it was from her that i learned that throwing up was a way to lose weight. that was her legacy to me, anxieties, anger, frustration, body image issues. however, she also taught me about faith and  relentless prayer. she taught me about hope for a better tomorrow. she taught me to trust in God for all things at all times.

today i sit in my messy living space. my bed is half made. there are at least three crafting projects going at the same time. i have three translation projects on deck, one of which is due in 3 days, and i have zero motivation to work on any of them. i'm exhausted just thinking about all the shit that i want to accomplish. i want to just roll up into a ball and not do anthing, just lay there and not think about anything...

maybe that's just what i need to do. set everything aside for a few minutes and not think, let all these thoughts, anxieties, and frustrations float on by for a little while i make one of my lists and then prioritize what needs to be done first, etc.

be back soon...

freaky freeflow friday

 i know my posts are mostly diatribes and emotional rants, BUT today at this very moment i'm feeling good.

this morning i started out with hot yoga, 26&2, THE original hot yoga, good for your heart, your internal organs, your joints, work every muscle group yoga. this moving meditation is more my speed. i know it's not for everybody but i LOVE it.

i'vehad such good instructors, who have worked, molded, and encouraged me to move to the best of my abilities, to move as slow as i need, and go as deep as my body can. now, i follow the guidance/teaching of Ginny at Yoga Rx, a compassionate and highly empathic soul. If you are in the 757 area and you want to experience a practice that goes above and beyond, come to this studio, https://www.yoga-rx-vb.com/. everytime i go to class, my inner child - Gaby from "Vivo",  sings and encourages me to march, dance, and move to the beat of my own drum. i am really grateful and surprised to see what my body can do, at this weight and age.  how many of you can say that they absolutely love to work out? i do, i do, i do 

Oh, oh, oh... i saw something funny yesterday. picture this, a really nice tesla car... now put this color combination together, OD green, you know like the old army uniforms, and pearlescence!!! Yup, yup, it's like throwing glitter on baby poop... ROTFLMBO... oh, i crack myself up

let's see.. what else? my younger son came to hot yoga with me this morning. i'm so proud of him. it was his first class and he did very well. he stayed in the studio. he did not go running out the door, tongue hanging out, ripping his clothes off, looking for the nearest water source. he did not pass out. he started and finished with the rest of the class. woooohooooo!

a few minutes ago i had a phone call with a cousin who went to Costco to have breakfast, LOL. as we are on a video call she's going by the different vendors having coffee, bread, coconut nibs, and i don't know what else... oh good Lord, she cracks me up!

 i just looked at my phone and there was a sweet message from a dear sister that blessed me and reminded me of the hymn "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms", by Hoffman and Showalter. now the tune is stuck in my head and i want to share that with you. if you know it, sing it. if you don't, just read the lyrics. all together now...

What a fellowship, what a joy divine,

Leaning on the everlasting arms;

What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,

Leaning on the everlasting arms.

    Leaning, leaning,

    Safe and secure from all alarms;

    Leaning, leaning,

    Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way,

Leaning on the everlasting arms;

Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,

Leaning on the everlasting arms.

What have I to dread, what have I to fear,

Leaning on the everlasting arms;

I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,

Leaning on the everlasting arms.

and there you go, we just had church, just like that

and now for more yoga irreverence.... 

you know you laughed at that, at the very least you chuckled.

Love you!!!

we are family????

 i wonder what constitutes family. biology? shared experiences? community? religious affinity? common ground? philosophy? all of the above?

right now i am faced with yet another "family reunion", and i am dreading it. who can i talk to about it? i cannot trust most of "them" with my thoughts or feelings. their thinking is so shallow and trite. they'd rather be talking about fart and shit jokes than our family dynamics. it's easier to hide behind bathroom humor than get real with one another. we could do so much healing from generational trauma, if we just chose to open up and REALLY talk/process. instead we'd rather engage in foolishness and enshrine our grandparents, as if they were THE perfect image of christian parenthood. nothing could be further from the truth. one of my favorite sayings is that "by their fruit, they will be known," or "the proof is in the puddin'". the truth is that our family is not good fruit, and we live wrapped up in a cloak of denial and self-delusion.

i really do not want to attend but i've already made a commitment to be there. so, i will be there, and i wonder at what personal cost. i do not relish the thought of spending a long period of time in that particular sphere of hell- the Lehigh Valley. it is a disgusting place, and its denizens can barely be categorized as human. i could employ the facile retort "no offence to those who have no other choice but to live there", but i won't. i would be lying if i said that i hold any kind of love for that area. i have no desire to return nor to live there. yet, here i go again... i am a masochist. somewhere along the line i embraced this persona of the designated ugly fat friend/family member. i allowed myself to get roped into the position of having to transform myself in order to be accepted. no one should have to deny their nature, to wear their hair or have the body that was not designated by dna. i mean,if we are to espouse a doctrine in which we are "wonderfully made" by a Creator who loves and will never leave us nor forsake us, how come i have to torture my hair, and the rest of my body, to receive a compliment from my father?!?!

ENOUGH!!!!! I AM DONE!!!!

today, i do not want to dwell on my biological family's dysfunction and imperfections. i'd rather think and meditate on my chosen family, the Father/Mother who chose me, brothers and sisters that were specifically chosen for me. they are the ones who surround me with compassion, empathy, sweet encouraging thoughts. people who love me through the rough times, when i am four tissue boxes into a good cry because i miss my husband. people who tell me " you are so fucking hot!", and they cook delicious food for me. people who invite me to go walking because they know it is good for me to connect with nature. people who joyfully accept the ways i choose to express my creativity. we are a collective where grace is extended, where faith and hope lead to positive action for the health and healing of the community, spirituality is shared in a common bond of love for God and love of the other, and loved even more when a person chooses not to believe in a power greater than themselves.  that is a family worth seeking, worth pursuing, worth growing, worth cherishing.

i thrive in such an environment. i love relationships where i can hold intelligent, well informed conversations. i love good humor, especially when i know it takes a modicum of knowledge and wit to understand what the person is saying. i cherish compliments, to give and recieve them. i desire reciprocation - not out of self-interest, rather a willingness to freely, graciously, extravagantly give and receive.

this is my manifesto! how you respond to it is your prerogative. i cannot, and will not, try to control how you receive it. at this point in my life, i am working towards a healthy acceptance of the self, and cutting out excess negativity, manipulation, useless information/misinformation, abuse and violence. if you come at me with any of the above, rest assured that there will be some pushback. such behavior will not be tolerated. i will love you and pray with you, but i will not pursue you.

our collective motto is "we choose compassion. love God, love others". i will love you regardless of your definition of "God", your family composition, your preferred pronouns, cosmic identity, political party affiliation, some of you are a little harder to love in that domain, whether basic, "normal", or neurodivergent, static or nomadic... i will love you. however, i must admit that neurodivergents are my kind of people!!! there, i said it, I am biased and i do play favorites.

Tired... so tired

 

Today, is a different story. I mean, I know every day is different but this is ridiculous. Since I got back from Tx, I've just been besieged by one circumstance after another. My son got Covid, was hospitalized because of complications. When he came home, we all got sick with RSV. Three weeks of absolute torment. Then, our apartment got flooded because a pipe burst on a third floor apartment. So, we suffered the consequences of someone else's actions, which were very suspicious.  These are the same people who were getting evicted for illegal drug use. We lived in a hotel for a month!  Through it all I've been experiencing night terrors and a lot of unusual vivid dreams that wake everybody up. Yes, I am exhausted!  i just want to sit here in my corner and do absolutely nothing. BUT, as i look around my living space i see all the things that still need to be organized and put away, and i feel overwhelmed.

i know that there are a thousand things that i could do to "feel" better yet it all seems futile because the "stuff" is not going to put itself away. it will still be waiting for me to do it. in my fantasy world i just wave my hands and things float to their appointed place. in the real world, they just sit and wait to be acted upon. there's a lesson or some form of wisdom hidden in that thought, gonna have to ruminate on that for a little while... later.

today, i feel bloaaated, not just bloated, i am huge with rolls, bumps, cellulite under the skin, like cottage cheese in a cup - so gross... i just grossed myself out! no matter what i do, walking, exercise, yoga, nothing seems to work or help. i have read, meditated, breathed, talked, listened to "fat burning frequencies", puked, starved... i have prayed desperate prayers. i have done the twelve steps, and "celebrated recovery". just like the objects around  me, i'm still in the same condition, inmovable, unchanging, occupying space and letting time pass by without changing.

my chest feel heavy with an unscreamed scream. there's pressure in my head from all the tears
waiting to flow. nerves are firing, like an electric storm that burns and itches. i want to run. i want to fly. but there is no energy to do either. i'm stuck, feet immersed in the muck, getting sucked in, like the horse in "the neverending story", drowning, sinking, pressed under the weight of my sadness, my angst, my fury.

does anyone care? why am i writing this? why am i posting this? is there going to be some miraculous rescue? i don't think so. it hasn't happened before. any hope? any truth to hold on to? is there any strength left?

and yet... and yet, there's a part of me that keeps thinking and screaming, "i don't wanna die fat! i refuse to leave this world in this state! i can't, i just cannot bear it! there is a thin person within all this fat waiting to emerge. she is real. she is in there, i can see her when i close my eyes. come on, girl, fight... FIGHT!!!"

am i so self-absorbed, self-centered, narcissistic, egotistical that i cannont accept myself as i am? i would never treat or speak to another person in the same manner as i do to myself. i would extend unconditional love, compassion, and empathy to them. i would cry with them. i would hug them. i would pray and intercede for them. yet, i cannot do that with myself. my little girl is screaming,

throwing a tantrum, hurting and i can do nothing to calm her down. she is still suffering, hurting, looking for  a way out of the darkness in that fateful horrible closet, looking for a way to say no to ugly smelling food textures that were forced upon her. it was a long time ago, but it feels so real, so present, and i cannot stop the sensations from seeping into my consciousness. am i purposefully doing this to myself? if so, why? why would someone self-inflict this pain? it makes no sense that i cannot forget these events. i cannot block them out. they keep coming back, haunting me. i can do nothing about these memories. there is no justice to be found because i do not remember their names, i have vague memories of faces, but mostly it's just a burning sensation of hands on parts of my body. i wish i could just snap out of this. i wish i could burn away the memories. i tried to drown them in alcohol - it did not work. i tried to make myself feel better by getting sexual attention - it did not work. nothing works!

it seems like the state of the mess around here is a striking metaphor for my existence. i am not good enough, not pure enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not educated enough, not experienced enough... i am NOT enough... no matter the number of times nor different ways i chant affirmations of "being enough", deep down i don't believe it therefore i cannot bring it to fruition nor actualization.

i want to stop thinking... i want to stop breathing... i want to stop being... but there is always one more thought, there is always one more breath. those just don't stop being.

how can i make this a reality for me?

july 23... forever

 july 23... forever

this was our 40th, happy anniversary, my forever love!

i still remember our first "alone" date... our first kiss dancing and singing "blue bayou",

https://youtu.be/Kp9G0zkorio

i still remember the softness of your lips on mine, so sweet, so clean, so pure, so true... and we knew, deep down we knew that we had found our "other", our hope, our best, our forever.

passion is the best word to describe our relationship. passion to the nth power. it was tumultuous, full of emotion, screaming, anger, trauma, selfishness meeting selflessness, taking, giving, sacrifice. we did not know half measures. everything was pedal to the metal, ride or die, the fullest, deepest expression of love run amok. it was not pretty. it was messy and chaotic, earthy, organic, fluid and flowing, never 

ending. we went swimming in the storm, just dove right into the swells of the ocean and rode them for all their worth. we held on to each other, so tightly that at some point the two became one. it was the perfect amount of heat, pressure, and time. that was us and continues to be us!

i have a saudade for your physical presence, yet i sense you in my spirit. is that you hovering at the edge of my peripheral vision? is that you whispering "i love you" softly, tenderly, wonderfully, in my ear? is that you holding me in the middle of the night when i am barely hanging to that last thread of sanity? is that you? i'd like to think so.

https://youtu.be/eQul-rkcGPQ

yes, it takes every effort, every ounce of strength to keep moving in this plane of existence without you. it was not supposed to be this way. we were supposed to be walking the beaches in boriken, holding hands, picking up sea glass and sand dollars. i still remember that day in arecibo when we found a treasure trove of tiny sand dollars all along the beach. it was amazing. i remember running up and down the shoreline finding perfect little disks of joy. i know you were watching, burning the memory into our collective empathy, thank you!

i thank God for bringing us together, and keeping us together. it was worth it!

small victories and more

 This was a week ago:

guess what??? 

no, you don't need to guess, i'm about to tell you.

i forgot to weigh myself this morning when i woke up.

WHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTT?!?!? 

that's right. today, for the first time in forever, i did not weigh myself. that would have been completely outside the realm of possibilities a few weeks ago. i did not realize it until i already had coffee in my system. i don't know if this will be a definite shift, yet i count it a victory. every little detail counts.

also, a few weeks ago we began an online bible study on the book of revelation. yes, THAT revelation. so, i've decided to resist the temptation of delving into the book from an end-of-days/eschatological/rapture theory perspective. instead, i want to address the title of the book, "the revelation of Jesus Christ", and explore the ways in which Jesus the Christ is revealed in these visions and declarations.