Gratitude: good-bye 2021, hello 2022!

 

 

Woooohooo, it’s new year’s eve! Another year over, and I’m glad it is. Today,  I’m filled with expectation and trepidation for what is to come. More ‘rona talk? More threats of domestic terrorism, inflation, and political upheaval? All very real possibilities. BUT… there’s always a but, i am at peace, especially when I choose to trust in the Lord’s wisdom rather than man’s limited understanding.

Having “said” that, when I look back at 2021 there are so many events and circumstances for which I am so grateful to have been present and witnessed. I’m not going to enumerate all, as I take them to heart and cherish those moments. There is one singular moment that has really shifted my perspective, and opened up a world of new possibilities.

Early in November, for my birthday, I resolved to join former “army buddies” for a reunion. I was hesitant, almost petrified, to see them and be seen by them. The truth is I did not want them to see me as I look today. My dear little sister, Kelley, put her foot down, and would not take “no” nor “maybe” for an answer. She was determined to convince me to be there. So, with much fear and doubt, yet encouraged by my sons, I drove down to Savannah. It took every ounce of effort and energy for me to walk into the meeting place. Then, I saw them from a distance. The first one I recognized, Tony, quickly hurried to my side and wrapped me in a huge bear hug that eased some of my anxiety. Then, Kelley saw me, screamed, and I melted into the embrace. It was so good to see her in person!!! Next, came the biggest reunion,

Kelley, Lucy, and I were back together again. 

Time just melted, the persistence of memory erased years of separation and we just fell in step as if we had never parted. We reminisced, we laughed, hugged, cried, got henna tattoos, ate, and celebrated every moment. So good, so good!!!! We vowed to remain connected and meet once a year, at least. These amazing women and their spouses are now in my life, again, and my heart rejoices. This is one of those moments where the soul jumps and sings and dances with joy, purpose, intention, pure love – unconditional, unquenchable, unafraid, unrestrained, undignified, unpretentious, REAL!!!!! I get to share myself, about myself, and of myself without masks, without the window dressing, no make-up, in pajamas, with messy hair and we just don’t care, zero f**** given!

Hold on... wait... there are some moments that I reflect upon, although, at first, I was astonished at the news. Two women transitioned and released themselves from this plane of existence. Titi Priscilla and Titi Araminta passed recently, within weeks of each other. Let me tell you about these great sheroes. They were part of my life and exerted great influence. I can say today that I am who I am because of them. From early on, they treated me with intelligence, communicated with me as an equal, were exceedingly generous with their sage and wealth of knowledge. They infused me with the desire to grow and develop a sense of myself; to be independent; to not be influenced by empty rhetoric, to appreciate beauty in everything; to challenge tradition, arbitrary religion, petty humanity, conventional relationships, and gender conformity. I dared to dream because of them. I wanted to be like them, eventually I became them; fiercely independent, critical, insightful, deeply spiritual, a well-educated life-long learner and seeker of wisdom. I still remember the day my father unintentionally gave me the greatest compliment ever. He said, “you eat like your aunt Priscilla”. He may have meant as a “put down”, but I relished it. She ate unconventional food, took weird supplements, believed in healing crystals and medicinal plants. I love it all. Moreover, I am so grateful for the seeds they planted in me. they watered, nurtured, and watched me grow. Then, in their own way, they ushered me into the world, occasionally connecting with me to make sure I was still growing and bearing fruit. I love them both. They inspire me to be a better mother, a better sister, a better woman, a better human.

I also have to document how grateful I am for my sons. This year, in particular, has brought so many opportunities to talk, pray, dance, eat, care for one another, be silly and laugh at our own farts! Some of them have been EPIC, my only regret is that we weren’t able to record them, and share the “joy of flatulence” with other people. nevertheless, those memories are etched in my mind, stored into the long-term files. These men are truly unique creatures. I am so proud to have been chosen to bring them into the world, and I am glad they affirm and wholeheartedly support my parenting efforts. They are so forgiving, loving, caring, astute, wise beyond their years, creative, and funny! Yeah, I’m a proud momma bear.

Most importantly and intentionally, I am grateful for God’s provision and protection. This has been a year of shifting perspectives, challenging emotions, healing and breakthrough, compassion and empathy, growth, contemplation, meditation, and introspection. God has been at the center of it all, taking precedence, making His presence known, comforting, imparting clarity and peace. Every day, several times a day, I find myself uttering my favorite three word prayer, “Thank You, Lord”; sometimes in a whisper, sometimes in a shout for joy, sometimes in catharsis, sometimes in pain, always with a grateful heart and mindset.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (I Thessalonians 5:16-18, NKJV)

With this missive I send out intentional and purposeful prayers for a blessed and prosperous new year.

GOD BLESS US ALL

Con Te Partiro

 

today i feel like unbecoming, not in a physical way, rather to experience a spiritual unbecoming. that's what i yearn for today; that undoing in music that travels to the very core of my soul; that work of art that is a mirror to my emotions; that yoga nidra where i can flow thru the waters of a different consciousness that is both present yet prescient; of unbecoming to become.

today i long for "quiet" mornings; sitting on the front porch with you; the roosters across the street marking the hours, a cacophony of call and response from near and far; the aroma of fresh brewed coffee, the extra cup for our sister/friend Sandra; conversations on the nature of God's character, as if we could ever grasp the unfathomable ineffability of the Person Who refuses to be boxed into a compartment in my mind palace.

...and i miss you. i miss all of you. i miss the passion, the dangerous fire of tempers clashing, two wicked smart minds searching for that fatal move - check mate! Ha-ha, I am the queen, victorious, bowdown, grovel, and worship me; long drives; all night talks, and even the ardent miscommunications. eventually, time, friction, and temperature formed the foundation of a relationship that would not allow itself to be shaken by separation, opinion, ideology, temptation, poverty, homelessness, sickness, addiction, idiosyncrasy, nor imperfection.

oh, but those long walks along Guajataca, picking up seaglass, hiking El Yunque, picnic by the falls, sunsets in Rincon, "chillo con tostones" at Crashboat beach. so many memories.

with our lives we wrote a magnificent symphony of subtle notes, strident crescendos, big percussion followed by sotto voce, part Queen, part Yo-Yo Ma, part Emerson Lake and Palmer, with some Santana and Bob Marley thrown in for good measure. i remember our first kiss swaying to Linda Rondstat's rendition of Blue Bayou, and i remember our farewell listening to  Bocelli and Brightman belting out "Con Te Partiro" (With You i will Go/Time to Say Goodye)

https://youtu.be/g3ENX3aHlqU

English translation

When I’m alone

I dream on the horizon

and words fail;

yes, I know there is no light

in a room where the sun is absent,

if you are not with me, with me.

At the windows

show everyone my heart

which you set alight;

enclose within me

the light you

encountered on the street.

 

Time to say goodbye

to countries I never

saw and shared with you,

now, yes, I shall experience them.

I’ll go with you

on ships across seas

which, I know,

no, no, exist no longer.

It’s time to say goodbye…

 

When you are far away

I dream on the horizon

And words fail,

and, Yes, I know

that you are with me;

you, my moon, are here with me,

my sun, you are here with me,

with me, with me, with me.

 

Time to say goodbye

To countries I never

Saw and shared with you,

now, yes, I shall experience them.

I’ll go with you

On ships across seas

which, I know,

no, no, exist no longer,

 

with you I shall experience them again.

I’ll go with you

On ships across seas

Which, I know,

No, no, exist no longer;

with you I shall experience them again.

I’ll go with you,

I with you.

[it sounds better in italian]

love, you know how to make an entrance, take your mark, and leave a lasting impression...

THIS moment

 

 

feeling fairly anxious today. I got on the scale early this morning and my weight is up. so, of course, the alarm bells go off; red alert! red alert! Immediately, I’m disappointed, and I try to figure out why. was it something I ate? something I drank? No, there was nothing unusual. As a matter of fact, I only ate a small salad; drank all my water. Oh, but I had some chips – salty. But, it’s not like I ate the whole bag. I don’t know. It’s just another day that my weight is way off, and I’m miserable. Another day that the scale, rather the number on the scale dictates my mood. And I feel like I’m gonna jump out of my skin.

I know I have that dli reunion coming up and I had sworn that I would lose the weight, so I could look somewhat decent. I really don’t know what that means. It’s not like I was a major prize winner to begin with. Even when I was in the military, I felt less than cuz all the other girls were always getting the attention. "R" had the blue eyes, "K" had the blonde hair, "K2" had that smile, "R2" was just gorgeous. Me? a big butt. There is nothing special about me. I’m just average, average intelligence, bad hair, freckles, chubby, awkward, mediocre artist. Yet I always wanted to be special, to live up to the smart girl reputation. yes, i suffer from "impostor syndrome".

I would hear guys talking about other girls and I wondered if they would ever talk about me in that way. I don’t think so. They were there to grab, fondle, insult, call names. I remember 9^th grade, all my little friends had boyfriends. I was not boyfriend material. The only one who paid attention to me was "N", and he was way older than me. he was there to do the deed and then he disappeared.

I remember the shame, the blaming, the interrogation, the denial, the pain of it all, being treated as if it was all my fault, so humiliating, so public. It seemed that everyone who was important to me was disappointed in me. it seemed that they were more interested in what I did rather than what was done to me. I was 14!!!! What the hell did I know???

So, all these things keep coming up and I keep re-living it. I don’t want to it just happens. How can I stop re-living these events? How can I remember without the emotions? Just when I think I’m getting over something, there’s another story, another event, and I am left with the shame, the guilt, the condemnation. No matter how many times I have recited romans 8:1, I keep coming back to some other shameful event.

How long will I have to endure this?

 

i have been fasting (IF, 20/4) regularly, and still weight keeps fluctuating, but not going down. i'm so exhausted, hungry and not sleeping well. i know, duh! i can be so smart and talented for some things, and yet when it comes to weight and appearance i behave so erratically. so, i'm doing some corrective work. i uninstalled the fasting tracker app from my phone, and told my son to hide the scale, again. i'm so tired of these cycles.

 

 

how would i encourage someone who feels like this?

1.     Remind yourself how you can identify with those feelings. Then, read “the religion of thinness”:

“There is a more ominous hunger, and I was and am not alone in sensing it. It squirms under the sternum, clawing at the throat. At school we were hungry and lost and scared and young and we needed religion, salvation—something to fill the anxious hollow in our chests. Many of us sought it in food and thinness.” –Marya Hornbacher1

2.    “Somewhere deep inside, you know that to be a whole person you don’t have to be thin.”

3.    “You may actually be unaware that your spirit is hungry, because judging and controlling your body distances you from your feelings, thoughts, desires, and needs. And so, unconsciously, you search for something to help you feel alive again. Maybe that something is the physical feeling of hunger. Perhaps it is the sensation of eating, an act that brings our minds and bodies together, just as starving ourselves seems to drive them apart. It could be the fantasy of thinness, which always gives us something to strive for, something to look forward to, the happy ending. In any case, based on the amount of time and energy we spend worrying about how to look and what, how much, and whether or not to eat, it’s clear that, for many of us, our spiritual needs have been engulfed by an enormous black hole—one that we unconsciously hope to fill with the The Religion of Thinness.”

4.    “…beneath your great efforts to erase your body and contain its cravings, there is a desire to connect with your flesh, to be at home in your own skin, to experience the power of life that animates your body and enlivens your spirit. For the more we get in touch with the needs of our hearts and souls, the more our faith in thinness loses its importance.”

 [Lelwica, Michelle M.. The Religion of Thinness: Satisfying the Spiritual Hungers Behind Women's Obsession with Food and Weight (pp. 16-17). Gürze Books. Kindle Edition.]

 

most importantly, BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT... keep reading... breathe in, breathe out.

never underestimate the power of silence, wait for the silence, give yourself an opportunity to experience the sacred silence, the Holy Spirit of God will find you there.

 remember to laugh...

processing

 this morning i'm reading and reflecting on anger, emotions, why i keep leaving churches or religious groups. i mean there seems to be a pattern there. i start out with a group enthusiastically. i find a position to serve, i do my tithing, and i am in the fellowship. then, something will happen to "sour" the relationship, and i will begin the distancing process, or i just quit for whateveer reason. usually it is a matter of theology or interpretation of bible, etc. the latest is my withdrawal from vertical church. it had been coming for a while. i was feeling like i didn't belong or that my opinion did not matter.

so, i'm trying to reason thru emotions of self-worth, self-deprecation, self-abuse. what is the pattern here? do i seek relationships wherein i will ultimately feel victimized and then go into blaming mode, "look what they did to me". is that how i operate? i wonder... if so, why???? why can't i be content to attend a church and just deal with it. there are people who attend a church for decades and have no problem, yet i cannot seem to be that way. why? or is this just another lie from the enemy of the soul so that i will punish myself for abandoning yet another religious group. 

God, do you have an answer for me?

then my son says: 'momma, you don't have to give me gifts, just having you is a gift', ok, heart melted

new creation?

 

am i REALLY a "new creation"? or am i cursed? bible tells me that all creation is cursed because of faulty decision making mechanisms in the garden. so, it stands to reason that i am cursed as well.

am i destined to look like this forever? i sure hope not! besides, paul says that we will meet Jesus in our transformed bodies... but how will we look? the text tells us that when Jesus came back in resurrection power He must have looked different because his closest friends could not recognize Him readily.

if i am a new creation, like paul says, then why do i STILL look the same????? i acknowledge that there are significant differences in terms of behavior, mood, spirit, health. BUT, i still look like a manatee, and weigh as much as a baby elephant (and not the cute "disney-dumbo" one)!!! it doesn't seem fair. this is how crazy my thinking gets, "how come a strung out addict gets to be skinny, and i'm not strung out BUT I'M STILL FAT?!?" AND, today's culture and society deems fat, or even curvy, as undesirable. this is madness... or am i the only crazy one... 

i don't think so. there are so many desperate people trying, and dying, to fit into unrealistic parameters of beauty that the market has developed industries, "scientific" methods, religions, philosophies, etc., that cater to the despairing, anguished, distressed, miserable, hungry masses! THIS is the madness.

LORD, Holy Spirit, please, please, please continue the good work that You began in me. i want to grow up to be a different me, not the same, not even better, not a "2.0"... i want to be a completely different me, in every way; fashioned after your image, radiant, strong, beautiful; your way of thinking and reasoning; your way of feeling and experiencing emotions in peace, joy, hope, compassion, gentleness, kindness, steadfastness. i want to be like you. i want to be with you. like john said, "come quickly!"

amen

 this past couple weeks i have been so tired... i can barely move about. i get up from my futon and travel the vast distance to my other nest. i struggle through the dry emptiness before me, befouled by human gas emanations, dragon breath, and sweat. it is a long painful journey as i try to stretch and set into motion arthritic joints, and  misaligned vertebrae. at last, i arrive and i sigh with relief, when i finally see my destination. Behold, my inner sanctum, my warm fluffy security blanket, my scentsy grogu- smells so good! my corner on the couch with a cushion that has been formed with a permanent imprint of my buttocks.

uffff, hair!!!

it is ok to laugh. you have my permission. you are welcome! 

gentle whisper

 

Why is it that there is a moment everyday when my mood just tanks? I feel the pressure in my chest and my stomach. I want to cry out, yet I do not… I dare not. I would not want to scare anybody around me.

Today I sense a paradox in me. there is an intense desire to commune with others who are of same mind, a profound desire to congregate with others whose sole desire and purpose is to glorify God. I do not need to make noise. I do not need a silly 20 minute exhortation on how to make life better, followed by more noise. Today I would not be able to abide the touching and hugging and “look at me/pay attention to me” behaviors. I am looking for that silent meditation, contemplation upon the manifestation of God’s glory; as the heavens declare the glory of God, and the skies proclaim the work of his hands (Ps 19:1). No words needed, no program, no show, only silence and expectation. My heart tells me that the Spirit of the Lord is there. The Spirit tells my spirit to sit, to wait, to expect.

Remember Elijah when he was in the cave?

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah? (1 Kings 19: 11-14)

I ask myself every day, “mirta, what are you doing here? What are you hoping to accomplish? The answer eludes me. I keep telling myself that I am in healing mode. I go through the motions: therapy, stretching, chiropractic, swimming, fasting, meditating, drawing, cleaning, cooking… wash, rinse, repeat. I even drive out to green spaces where I can connect with nature. Still, there is something missing. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m looking, searching. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but when I find it, I’ll know.

Meanwhile, I know that I am in the wrong body, not in terms of gender but in size. I am convinced that what I see in the mirror is not my true self. Once in a while I catch a glimpse of “me”. sometimes I see me in the gentle curl of a strand of hair, or when I stand on one leg firm and resolute; when my fingers curl around the pen to draw delicate lines; when my voice joins a
harmony in perfect pitch and tone.

 
I definitely see me when I am on my knees, in child’s pose, heart melting into the ground, forehead down, breathing slowly, staying in the moment, sensing the blanket of comfort that envelops in that moment, the peace, the quiet, the expectation that God is about to whisper something sweet over me. yes, that’s it! That’s what I’m looking for…