ooooops!

this is an ooooooops post; a major ooooops, followed by Oh, Lord, help my unbelief!!!!

so, this is what happened...

i'm in the kitchen preparing my favorite cup of espresso; yes, fresh brewed aromatic, sweet, with just the right balance of chocolate and cinnamon notes, and yes, i am a coffee snob. so, back to the kitchen. In the middle of my morning routine of coffee with Jesus, i heard something akin to "seek first the kingdom of God". suddenly, that was paired to my own thoughts and strategies for weight loss. as i have shared before i have a very unhealthy relationship with the mirror, the scale, and food that has been diagnosed as "eating disorder". i have done extreme and dangerous things to "lose weight", all of it on my own, and by my own efforts. today i realize that i "ran the stop sign", that is, on this path that i'm walking with Holy Spirit there was a Stop/Pause to Pray sign, and i didn't. i continued ahead without even slowing down, typical California stop, just rolled right on through the intersection. Although Holy Spirit kept walking with me, They kept whispering, "you know you were suppossed to stop", not in a condeming way. rather, they just continued showing sign after sign, verse after verse, faithful to fulfill the work they had begun in me. they have continuously taken down rock after rock of the fortresses and strongholds that were weighing down my spirit, my mind, my very being.

i have often questioned how long must i "suffer" this discomfort, this pain of trauma that originated somewhere so far back in the past that i cannot put a face, nor a date, nor one singular event as the genesis of it all. i have very distinct memories of several instances that contributed to the dis-ease, the feeling that something is not quite right with me. however, i sense that there is something even deeper, more sinister, and earlier. for whatever reason, something is precluding me from accessing that particular memory. i thank God for that because it must have been a "deucy".

Going back to the original purpose of this post, ooooops! i recognize and confess that i have been remiss in aplying Matthew 6:33, to continually seek His kingdom and His righteousness and all other things will be provided, i.e. food, drink, clothing. the connection that i am seeing has to do with the way i have approached ED and all the other issues that it drags along. i have sought out the counsel of man and i have engaged in every possible twisted behavior that the world has to offer, assuming that weight is the problem. it is not. i acknowledge, not in a punishing or condemning way, that i have compartmentalized the physical and psychological trauma from the spiritual components of my self. i love to put things in sets and categories in their own cubicles, shelves, and drawers, complete with pretty printed labels. anyone who has been in my kitchen/bathroom has witnessed this phenomenon. i am an acolyte of the marie kondo school of thought, in all its ridiculousness. order brings me joy. so, of course, i would apply the same concepts to my spiritual life. yes, on my computer desktop, there are folders for prayer and intercession, bible study, devotion, meditation and contemplation. 

what does that have to do with Matt 6:33? I did not stop to sit a while with Holy Spirit to inquire Their wisdom about healing and  releasing. i have no idea what a healthy human body looks like. i have been indoctrinated by a culture that has very distorted ideas about health and beauty.  i confess that i neglected to consult with the One who determined what is good and beautiful, the One who created me and formed me in the first place. I further confess that i forgot to ask for Their opinion. Theirs is the only one that matters. I confess that i forget what They have already accomplished in me. I need to remember Psalm 103, 

"Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
3 Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
4 Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
5 Who satisfies your years with good things"

I am no longer trapped in a psych ward. He made sure that once i walked out of there i did not have to return. He made sure that one trip to rehab was enough. Now i walk in sobriety and have no desire to numb myself with alcohol, cigarrettes, or sugar. Even the issues with food are improving, not as disordered as they were a little while ago. It's been a long hard road, with ups and downs, rises and falls. my walk may not resemble yours, and it shouldn't. but if on the way our paths should cross, i pray we can hold each other up. we can comfort one another and make each other stronger. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. (Psalm 103: 1)

Another passage that keeps coming up is Paul's account of asking God to take away the "thorn on his side". The response was "grace is sufficient" (2 Corinthians 12:9) what does that mean? i'll tell you what it means to me today, as i understand it. Paul was afflicted with something so deep and so profound that it caused him terrible pain, whether physical, psychological, or spiritual that's between God and Paul. The realization that God's grace was sufficient did not stop the suffering. however, it gave him hope in the midst of the pain. i have come to believe that the pain from past experiences may last the rest of my life. however, i find hope in the knowledge that God in His magnificent mercy and compassion has extended grace unto us, in the Incarnation of His Son, in His sacrifice, resurrection and ascension, in His invitation for us to partake in the banquet that is to come, in His continued prompting and equipping to co-labor with Him in His kingdom, starting now!!!! That is HOPE. That is GRACE, and IT IS SUFFICIENT! It is enough for me to take one more breath, enough to take one more step, enough to keep moving along in this pilgrimage through His kingdom, 1Peter 2: 11, to see Him face to face in my transformed, renewed, brand-spanking new, forever body, 1 Corinthians 15: 35-58!

oh sisters

since december i have been sick. i am so congested, bloated and swollen. even the scale shows how unwell i feel. it seems like i  have gained 100 lbs, and there is no way to get rid of it. well, not really a hundred pounds, but a few. so, i have restricted, lifted weights, practiced yoga, but no loss. i have no idea what else to do, yet i refuse to accept that this is the way i am to be for the rest of my life, or the rest of eternity. i have to confess that sometimes i have trouble accepting that God would create me with so much excess fat. but, there is always a but... 

oh, Lord, i want You to help me... (singing) oh, Lord, i want You to help me,.. help me on my journey, ...help me on my way... Oh Lord, i want you to help me... while i'm singing, i want You to help me!

i know in my mind, because i have read it, and i believe it, that when we meet God face to face we will be in our transformed and perfect bodies. i know that Jesus will wipe away all my tears, and there will be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, nor pain, Rev 21: 4, in the kingdom to come. this is what builds my hope. the Lord is the foundation that keeps me waking up every morning. it doesn't matter, whether in pain, depresion, anxiety, trying to find my way through the fog, i know that i know that i know that i can always count on Him to declutter my thoughts. He is the light that shines even in the darkest recesses of my heart and mind. i pray like St. Teresa:

Let nothing disturb you, 

Let nothing frighten you, 

All things are passing away:

God never changes. 

Patience obtains all things 

Whoever has God lacks nothing;

God alone suffices.

 

and in the middle of my sadness and distress, God surrounds me in a blanket of love, personified in my sisters. these ladies respond to my cries for help. they read my posts and respond with love, compassion, mercy, and grace. they offer sage wisdom. they cry and pray with me. they share their own pain and efforts to cope with life on life's terms.

this sisterhood is sacred, divinely ordained and appointed. 

i am so fortunate and blessed to walk together with these amazing women,

....and they call, they text, they holler. 

they are relentless! 

... and i love them!!!

divorce

 i am so ready to divorce my "family". today i am acknowledging the weight of the pain i've been carrying for a few weeks. let me explain without naming names. 

a few weeks ago i visited a relative, and i forgot an undergarment that i had washed in the bathroom. this person found it and instead of just quietly throwing it out, they decided to take a picture of it and text it to me. we joked about for a little bit and i was willing to put up with the embarrassment of the situation. apparently, that was not enough for this person. they decided to form a group online that included several female cousins in the family. they posted the picture along with their attempt at humor. needless to say, i was not amused. i felt so violated at the vulgarity of publicly shaming me for wearing "big granny panties". to add insult to injury, one of the women made a comment that shook me to the core. she asked, "are you sure those are underwear or a bed sheet?" to the vulgar and the crude mind that might seem like a funny comment. 

to my hurt, broken, and bruised heart, this is a death sentence. 

i feel like the bell jar has descended around me and i am trapped inside the glass. i cannot breathe, there is not enough air. i cannot run out, i keep slamming against the thick walls. I do not have the height nor the strength to knock it over. i am trapped inside with my pain, with my desperation, with my yearning to be on the other side.

today i have cried so many tears as i mourn the passing of the possibility of having a healthy relationship with these individuals. i feel that i can no longer afford to engage them in any kind of dialogue. i am unwilling to put my vulnerable self at risk of being hurt by them again. i just cannot go into their territory to be ridiculed, criticized, and be the focus of their jokes.

so, i took the only actions that i have the strength to do. first, i wrote one of those letters that i will never mail. i have a file on my computer titled "Letters i will never send". in it i have saved documents of thoughts and letters written to individuals who have hurt me. i write to them about the incidents and how i feel about it. in those letters there are no rules, except "speak truth". so, yeah, there are a lot of expletives and grammar errors, because when i am writing them, there is no filter, no judgment. i am the only one who reads them, and if anybody ever gets a hold of the computer and reads them, it will be too late for me to care. 

Second, i "left" those groups and deleted the "conversations" from my device. i wonder how long it will take them to realize that i am not in the group. that is, if they ever have enough conscience of  other people to notice that i left the group. what is even more pathetic is that no one in the chat spoke up in my defense nor to say that the communication was inappropriate. yeah, that hurts too.

i do have one more family function to attend. i've been asked to officiate a wedding. i am having reservations about doing it. i ask myself how can i ask God to bless the union of someone who hurt me so terribly? but then again, Jesus aked the Father to forgive those who had beaten and crucified Him. If He could do it, I am sure that Holy Spirit will cover me with compassion, wisdom, and love to declare the right words over them. Or, i can just read the script, go through the routine, and be done with it.

finally, i will sign the following declaration,

I, Mirta Pimentel, will cease all contact with any family members who habitually, knowingly, and willfully harrass and mentally abuse me. I refuse to accept any written or electronic communications. This serves as a notification that I am severing the family connection and no longer want any contact or communication with them. 

furthermore, i declare that they have no power over me. they have no permission to usurp my space. i will not try to change them, nor will i change myself to meet their expectations.

i acknowledge that what i have just written may or may not reach the people who inflicted so much pain. however, i feel empowered and justified in declaring these words. 

to quote Hal, i feel so much better now.

Last day examen

 Here it is, another cycle around the sun ends. Another one begins.

Are you excited? Exhausted? Expectant? Exasperated? Ex....? Ummm, cant think of another word beginning with "ex-" to contrast exasperated. C'mon, you cunning linguists, any suggestions? 

Anywhooooo... since the last post, I've been meditating on a prayer of "examen". Not just as a daily discipline,  but to contemplate and connect with the events and situations we faced during 2022.

There were trips, missions, encounters, projects, etc. There were emotions,  laughter, tears, anger, joy, love, compassion, endurance, and steadfastness. There were hugs, lots of hugs. There was hot yoga, yin yoga, yoga nidra. Let's face it, there was a lot of yoga, with much meditation and contemplation. And, the moments that stand out the most were those morning conversations with my coffee buddy and my favorite theologian. I have been "spoiled" with these two amazing creatures. They care! 

My statement of gratitude in this examen has to begin with God's presence, protection, and provision. We experienced and celebrated nearly every day.  God continues to work and mold me after His image. I can say that I welcome this renewal and transformational work because I can trust the One who is faithful to complete it with love and a delicate touch.

Then, I have to remember and celebrate all the incredible people that provided opportunities to pray, to share in acts of justice, to hug, talk with, and speak for as interpreter and advocate. I'm grateful for my family, whether by DNA, by extension, social convention, or choice. I love youse guys!!

In this process of examen I ask Holy Spirit to lovingly identify those areas in my life that are in need of improvement.  I think about my issues with body image, self-awareness, nurturance, and acceptance. Yes, I still have those moments; like this morning getting dressed and noticing the rotund nature of my bottom in the mirror it looked like the only part showing in the mirror was this grotesquely large derriere. Yes, I still look to the scale as an indicator of my self-worth. Yes, i still have a very distorted opinion of what constitutes beauty. That is all brewing beneath the surface. However, the time I spend obsessing over these things has changed drastically. For that I am grateful. Whereas a year ago i weighed myself daily, several times a day; now, I can go days without getting on the scale. As a matter of fact, in October I went through the whole month without weighing myself. Not knowing my numbers was not as anxiety provoking as it used to be.

Prayer of Examen:

Step One: Become aware of God’s presence.

Step Two: Review the year with gratitude.

Step Three: Pay attention to your emotions.

Step Four: Choose one feature of the year and pray from it.

Step Five: Look toward the new year.

End your prayer, thanking God for love and life and holy possibilities.