Tired... so tired

 

Today, is a different story. I mean, I know every day is different but this is ridiculous. Since I got back from Tx, I've just been besieged by one circumstance after another. My son got Covid, was hospitalized because of complications. When he came home, we all got sick with RSV. Three weeks of absolute torment. Then, our apartment got flooded because a pipe burst on a third floor apartment. So, we suffered the consequences of someone else's actions, which were very suspicious.  These are the same people who were getting evicted for illegal drug use. We lived in a hotel for a month!  Through it all I've been experiencing night terrors and a lot of unusual vivid dreams that wake everybody up. Yes, I am exhausted!  i just want to sit here in my corner and do absolutely nothing. BUT, as i look around my living space i see all the things that still need to be organized and put away, and i feel overwhelmed.

i know that there are a thousand things that i could do to "feel" better yet it all seems futile because the "stuff" is not going to put itself away. it will still be waiting for me to do it. in my fantasy world i just wave my hands and things float to their appointed place. in the real world, they just sit and wait to be acted upon. there's a lesson or some form of wisdom hidden in that thought, gonna have to ruminate on that for a little while... later.

today, i feel bloaaated, not just bloated, i am huge with rolls, bumps, cellulite under the skin, like cottage cheese in a cup - so gross... i just grossed myself out! no matter what i do, walking, exercise, yoga, nothing seems to work or help. i have read, meditated, breathed, talked, listened to "fat burning frequencies", puked, starved... i have prayed desperate prayers. i have done the twelve steps, and "celebrated recovery". just like the objects around  me, i'm still in the same condition, inmovable, unchanging, occupying space and letting time pass by without changing.

my chest feel heavy with an unscreamed scream. there's pressure in my head from all the tears
waiting to flow. nerves are firing, like an electric storm that burns and itches. i want to run. i want to fly. but there is no energy to do either. i'm stuck, feet immersed in the muck, getting sucked in, like the horse in "the neverending story", drowning, sinking, pressed under the weight of my sadness, my angst, my fury.

does anyone care? why am i writing this? why am i posting this? is there going to be some miraculous rescue? i don't think so. it hasn't happened before. any hope? any truth to hold on to? is there any strength left?

and yet... and yet, there's a part of me that keeps thinking and screaming, "i don't wanna die fat! i refuse to leave this world in this state! i can't, i just cannot bear it! there is a thin person within all this fat waiting to emerge. she is real. she is in there, i can see her when i close my eyes. come on, girl, fight... FIGHT!!!"

am i so self-absorbed, self-centered, narcissistic, egotistical that i cannont accept myself as i am? i would never treat or speak to another person in the same manner as i do to myself. i would extend unconditional love, compassion, and empathy to them. i would cry with them. i would hug them. i would pray and intercede for them. yet, i cannot do that with myself. my little girl is screaming,

throwing a tantrum, hurting and i can do nothing to calm her down. she is still suffering, hurting, looking for  a way out of the darkness in that fateful horrible closet, looking for a way to say no to ugly smelling food textures that were forced upon her. it was a long time ago, but it feels so real, so present, and i cannot stop the sensations from seeping into my consciousness. am i purposefully doing this to myself? if so, why? why would someone self-inflict this pain? it makes no sense that i cannot forget these events. i cannot block them out. they keep coming back, haunting me. i can do nothing about these memories. there is no justice to be found because i do not remember their names, i have vague memories of faces, but mostly it's just a burning sensation of hands on parts of my body. i wish i could just snap out of this. i wish i could burn away the memories. i tried to drown them in alcohol - it did not work. i tried to make myself feel better by getting sexual attention - it did not work. nothing works!

it seems like the state of the mess around here is a striking metaphor for my existence. i am not good enough, not pure enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not educated enough, not experienced enough... i am NOT enough... no matter the number of times nor different ways i chant affirmations of "being enough", deep down i don't believe it therefore i cannot bring it to fruition nor actualization.

i want to stop thinking... i want to stop breathing... i want to stop being... but there is always one more thought, there is always one more breath. those just don't stop being.

how can i make this a reality for me?

july 23... forever

 july 23... forever

this was our 40th, happy anniversary, my forever love!

i still remember our first "alone" date... our first kiss dancing and singing "blue bayou",

https://youtu.be/Kp9G0zkorio

i still remember the softness of your lips on mine, so sweet, so clean, so pure, so true... and we knew, deep down we knew that we had found our "other", our hope, our best, our forever.

passion is the best word to describe our relationship. passion to the nth power. it was tumultuous, full of emotion, screaming, anger, trauma, selfishness meeting selflessness, taking, giving, sacrifice. we did not know half measures. everything was pedal to the metal, ride or die, the fullest, deepest expression of love run amok. it was not pretty. it was messy and chaotic, earthy, organic, fluid and flowing, never 

ending. we went swimming in the storm, just dove right into the swells of the ocean and rode them for all their worth. we held on to each other, so tightly that at some point the two became one. it was the perfect amount of heat, pressure, and time. that was us and continues to be us!

i have a saudade for your physical presence, yet i sense you in my spirit. is that you hovering at the edge of my peripheral vision? is that you whispering "i love you" softly, tenderly, wonderfully, in my ear? is that you holding me in the middle of the night when i am barely hanging to that last thread of sanity? is that you? i'd like to think so.

https://youtu.be/eQul-rkcGPQ

yes, it takes every effort, every ounce of strength to keep moving in this plane of existence without you. it was not supposed to be this way. we were supposed to be walking the beaches in boriken, holding hands, picking up sea glass and sand dollars. i still remember that day in arecibo when we found a treasure trove of tiny sand dollars all along the beach. it was amazing. i remember running up and down the shoreline finding perfect little disks of joy. i know you were watching, burning the memory into our collective empathy, thank you!

i thank God for bringing us together, and keeping us together. it was worth it!

small victories and more

 This was a week ago:

guess what??? 

no, you don't need to guess, i'm about to tell you.

i forgot to weigh myself this morning when i woke up.

WHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTT?!?!? 

that's right. today, for the first time in forever, i did not weigh myself. that would have been completely outside the realm of possibilities a few weeks ago. i did not realize it until i already had coffee in my system. i don't know if this will be a definite shift, yet i count it a victory. every little detail counts.

also, a few weeks ago we began an online bible study on the book of revelation. yes, THAT revelation. so, i've decided to resist the temptation of delving into the book from an end-of-days/eschatological/rapture theory perspective. instead, i want to address the title of the book, "the revelation of Jesus Christ", and explore the ways in which Jesus the Christ is revealed in these visions and declarations.

i just did a thing

i look around and see so much fear. people getting more and more comfortable with their hate, more at ease being mean, more united in their separation, and i think, NO. not me. i will not get lost in this fearful world. i will not play with bullies. i will continue to be brave and kind. i will speak for real unity. and no matter what, i will never stop loving.  

-scott stabile

i just did a thing... and i'm still shaking. i made a decision that has left me shaken. i chose to ignore my sister's messages on social media.

so, a little background. i have a very strange relationship with my biological sister. it is not based on love. rather, it has always been a competition for my parents' attention and affection. of course, you may want to label it as simple sibling rivalry. not so. this is something that goes beyond what is reasonable and expected between siblings. since we were young my parents were very busy, working constanty to give us what they believed to be a healthy lifestyle. now as an adult  i realize, and must echo Jesus' words to Martha, only one thing is necessary. the most effective way to get their attention was illness or some sort of malaise. my sister caught on to this and developed the art of being sick - some call it munchaussen i think. 

now, as adults the manipulation continues. unfortunately, it has evolved, grown, developed into something so ugly that i have internalized a lot of the hurt, pain, and discomfort. i sense her prickly demeanor and i recoil. i hear the brash and offensive tones in her voice, and i want to shut down. i just want to run away and never have to deal with her again. BUT, we are sisters and she lives with my father. inevitably i will have to see her. 

i wish and pray with all my heart that i could have a real and loving relationship with her. my heart aches when i see sisters loving and caring for each other. i don't have that with her. i wish i could talk with her the way that i talk with my forever sisters. that is simply not possible at this time. her spirit is so contrary to my spirit. her character and values are diametrically oppossed to everything i hold dear to my very core. everything that she is, i am not. everything that i am, she is not.

what to do? what to do????

i keep thinking of the passage where Jesus' family came looking for him. from mark 3,

"then Jesus went home, and once again a crowd gathered, so that He and His disciples could not even eat. When His family heard about this, they went out to take custody of Him, saying, 'He is out of His mind.'... 

But Jesus replied, 'Who are My mother and My brothers?' Looking at those seated in a circle around Him, He said, 'Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of God is My brother and sister and mother.'"

it seems to me that Jesus was faced with a similar situation. his family perceived him as crazy, unfit, "out of His mind". My earthly father has often remarked on my creative ways as my "loqueras" (crazy ways). my biological sister is very passive aggressive, most times just aggressive, towards any comment i make, or activity in which i choose to engage. i carry around in my 'baggage' comments about being fat, my hair is too curly/frizzy/nappy, my theology is too liberal, and so on, and so on...

for some time now i have gathered a group of individuals that i call my family of choice, my forever family. they are people with whom i share the kingdom now, and will live with them for all eternity. i love that we can be fully transparent, vulnerable, honest, and loving with each other. we speak the same language, God's love for all. it doesn't matter what background, ethnicity, or language of origin we speak. what is important is that we share in the love of God, and we actively seek to love others. that is our core value, all other values are predicated on it.

today, i feel that i need to call on my forever family, to be surrounded by their warm embrace, to be ministered by their joy. i especially need my sisters and daughters who nourish me with their hugs and sassiness. i need my sons' humor, their jokes, their laughter. i need you!!!

much love and shalom...

unfolding

 yup, here i am again... meditating... contemplating existence for this moment, in this space. the prayer prompt for today is "what do you need to continue to process today? stay in this space for as long as you need."

 i probably could be here for the next three years and still not be able to fully answer that question.

the Word tells me that my concerns are His concerns because He cares and He is interested in my cares. for real??? does He really care about my weight problem?! does He really care that i go into the bathroom numerous times a day to strip butt naked to check my weight? does He care that i obsess about what i am going to eat for fear that i will gain weight? if so, then how does that care manifest??? i have yet to meet a pastor or religious leader that knows how to deal with this from a spiritual perspective. i've' even looked up information on how to deal with ED, at my age, and in my ethnic group, incorporating a spiritual approach. there's very little out there. i'm not saying that i am special in any way, but i do find myself in a weird category. i am a puerto rican woman in my 60's who is still dealing with bingeing/purging/restricting/obsessing, though lately it is mostly restricting. 

so, this is my process today. is it any different than any other day? NO!!! it is the same as yesterday and the day before, and the day before that!!! it may have a different hue, or a different smell, but it is always the same: get on the scale, look at the number, let that sink in for a second, sigh.

oops, gotta go to physical therapy, will return soon...

...on we go.

it is interesting that in acknowledging and documenting this process, i am coming undone. it is like an unraveling, but in a good way. it is like an  unfolding, a revealing process. i know that i am not done yet. i probably will never get to the folded out version of myself, not in this plane of existence. i am assured in the biblical text that his is a spiritual and godly thing, that this is a good process. the Holy Spirit who began this unfolding will continue to do so, and will continue to see me through it with tenderness and care as the layers get exposed. how exciting, and terrifying at the same time!!!

i've been thinking lately that my quest for information that is relevant to my age group and ethnicity has led me to the realization that there is a need for more research. it has sparked in me the desire to go back to school. in my estimation this would be an interesting topic of inquiry, a research pursuit, perhaps a dissertation project. hmmmm... 

i already started looking into it. i want to shoot for the moon. the best school for psych research is stanford. it is a stretch to think that i would be admitted into such a program, but what have i got loose? better yet, what would i gain? to know that i applied to a program where only 10-15 people are chosen out of thousands of applicants. 

i believe i have made a resolution. i have set an intention. i have spoken a desire, a care, a want. i am placing this concern at the feet of the One who can actually grant that desire, and pray that He will.

as i re-read this entry i am reminded of the laments in the bible. 

Gratitude: good-bye 2021, hello 2022!

 

 

Woooohooo, it’s new year’s eve! Another year over, and I’m glad it is. Today,  I’m filled with expectation and trepidation for what is to come. More ‘rona talk? More threats of domestic terrorism, inflation, and political upheaval? All very real possibilities. BUT… there’s always a but, i am at peace, especially when I choose to trust in the Lord’s wisdom rather than man’s limited understanding.

Having “said” that, when I look back at 2021 there are so many events and circumstances for which I am so grateful to have been present and witnessed. I’m not going to enumerate all, as I take them to heart and cherish those moments. There is one singular moment that has really shifted my perspective, and opened up a world of new possibilities.

Early in November, for my birthday, I resolved to join former “army buddies” for a reunion. I was hesitant, almost petrified, to see them and be seen by them. The truth is I did not want them to see me as I look today. My dear little sister, Kelley, put her foot down, and would not take “no” nor “maybe” for an answer. She was determined to convince me to be there. So, with much fear and doubt, yet encouraged by my sons, I drove down to Savannah. It took every ounce of effort and energy for me to walk into the meeting place. Then, I saw them from a distance. The first one I recognized, Tony, quickly hurried to my side and wrapped me in a huge bear hug that eased some of my anxiety. Then, Kelley saw me, screamed, and I melted into the embrace. It was so good to see her in person!!! Next, came the biggest reunion,

Kelley, Lucy, and I were back together again. 

Time just melted, the persistence of memory erased years of separation and we just fell in step as if we had never parted. We reminisced, we laughed, hugged, cried, got henna tattoos, ate, and celebrated every moment. So good, so good!!!! We vowed to remain connected and meet once a year, at least. These amazing women and their spouses are now in my life, again, and my heart rejoices. This is one of those moments where the soul jumps and sings and dances with joy, purpose, intention, pure love – unconditional, unquenchable, unafraid, unrestrained, undignified, unpretentious, REAL!!!!! I get to share myself, about myself, and of myself without masks, without the window dressing, no make-up, in pajamas, with messy hair and we just don’t care, zero f**** given!

Hold on... wait... there are some moments that I reflect upon, although, at first, I was astonished at the news. Two women transitioned and released themselves from this plane of existence. Titi Priscilla and Titi Araminta passed recently, within weeks of each other. Let me tell you about these great sheroes. They were part of my life and exerted great influence. I can say today that I am who I am because of them. From early on, they treated me with intelligence, communicated with me as an equal, were exceedingly generous with their sage and wealth of knowledge. They infused me with the desire to grow and develop a sense of myself; to be independent; to not be influenced by empty rhetoric, to appreciate beauty in everything; to challenge tradition, arbitrary religion, petty humanity, conventional relationships, and gender conformity. I dared to dream because of them. I wanted to be like them, eventually I became them; fiercely independent, critical, insightful, deeply spiritual, a well-educated life-long learner and seeker of wisdom. I still remember the day my father unintentionally gave me the greatest compliment ever. He said, “you eat like your aunt Priscilla”. He may have meant as a “put down”, but I relished it. She ate unconventional food, took weird supplements, believed in healing crystals and medicinal plants. I love it all. Moreover, I am so grateful for the seeds they planted in me. they watered, nurtured, and watched me grow. Then, in their own way, they ushered me into the world, occasionally connecting with me to make sure I was still growing and bearing fruit. I love them both. They inspire me to be a better mother, a better sister, a better woman, a better human.

I also have to document how grateful I am for my sons. This year, in particular, has brought so many opportunities to talk, pray, dance, eat, care for one another, be silly and laugh at our own farts! Some of them have been EPIC, my only regret is that we weren’t able to record them, and share the “joy of flatulence” with other people. nevertheless, those memories are etched in my mind, stored into the long-term files. These men are truly unique creatures. I am so proud to have been chosen to bring them into the world, and I am glad they affirm and wholeheartedly support my parenting efforts. They are so forgiving, loving, caring, astute, wise beyond their years, creative, and funny! Yeah, I’m a proud momma bear.

Most importantly and intentionally, I am grateful for God’s provision and protection. This has been a year of shifting perspectives, challenging emotions, healing and breakthrough, compassion and empathy, growth, contemplation, meditation, and introspection. God has been at the center of it all, taking precedence, making His presence known, comforting, imparting clarity and peace. Every day, several times a day, I find myself uttering my favorite three word prayer, “Thank You, Lord”; sometimes in a whisper, sometimes in a shout for joy, sometimes in catharsis, sometimes in pain, always with a grateful heart and mindset.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (I Thessalonians 5:16-18, NKJV)

With this missive I send out intentional and purposeful prayers for a blessed and prosperous new year.

GOD BLESS US ALL

Con Te Partiro

 

today i feel like unbecoming, not in a physical way, rather to experience a spiritual unbecoming. that's what i yearn for today; that undoing in music that travels to the very core of my soul; that work of art that is a mirror to my emotions; that yoga nidra where i can flow thru the waters of a different consciousness that is both present yet prescient; of unbecoming to become.

today i long for "quiet" mornings; sitting on the front porch with you; the roosters across the street marking the hours, a cacophony of call and response from near and far; the aroma of fresh brewed coffee, the extra cup for our sister/friend Sandra; conversations on the nature of God's character, as if we could ever grasp the unfathomable ineffability of the Person Who refuses to be boxed into a compartment in my mind palace.

...and i miss you. i miss all of you. i miss the passion, the dangerous fire of tempers clashing, two wicked smart minds searching for that fatal move - check mate! Ha-ha, I am the queen, victorious, bowdown, grovel, and worship me; long drives; all night talks, and even the ardent miscommunications. eventually, time, friction, and temperature formed the foundation of a relationship that would not allow itself to be shaken by separation, opinion, ideology, temptation, poverty, homelessness, sickness, addiction, idiosyncrasy, nor imperfection.

oh, but those long walks along Guajataca, picking up seaglass, hiking El Yunque, picnic by the falls, sunsets in Rincon, "chillo con tostones" at Crashboat beach. so many memories.

with our lives we wrote a magnificent symphony of subtle notes, strident crescendos, big percussion followed by sotto voce, part Queen, part Yo-Yo Ma, part Emerson Lake and Palmer, with some Santana and Bob Marley thrown in for good measure. i remember our first kiss swaying to Linda Rondstat's rendition of Blue Bayou, and i remember our farewell listening to  Bocelli and Brightman belting out "Con Te Partiro" (With You i will Go/Time to Say Goodye)

https://youtu.be/g3ENX3aHlqU

English translation

When I’m alone

I dream on the horizon

and words fail;

yes, I know there is no light

in a room where the sun is absent,

if you are not with me, with me.

At the windows

show everyone my heart

which you set alight;

enclose within me

the light you

encountered on the street.

 

Time to say goodbye

to countries I never

saw and shared with you,

now, yes, I shall experience them.

I’ll go with you

on ships across seas

which, I know,

no, no, exist no longer.

It’s time to say goodbye…

 

When you are far away

I dream on the horizon

And words fail,

and, Yes, I know

that you are with me;

you, my moon, are here with me,

my sun, you are here with me,

with me, with me, with me.

 

Time to say goodbye

To countries I never

Saw and shared with you,

now, yes, I shall experience them.

I’ll go with you

On ships across seas

which, I know,

no, no, exist no longer,

 

with you I shall experience them again.

I’ll go with you

On ships across seas

Which, I know,

No, no, exist no longer;

with you I shall experience them again.

I’ll go with you,

I with you.

[it sounds better in italian]

love, you know how to make an entrance, take your mark, and leave a lasting impression...