inspiration porn???

"Inspo porn", I became aware of this phrase by Stella Young recently. I totally agree with the sentiment.

I do not share my story, triggers, anxieties, and emotional bottoming out, to inspire anyone. Do not read this to make yourself feel better, or to gossip, or offer unsolicited advice. Instead, consider the situation to become a prayer ally. 

I believe in healing through empathetic, intentional, intelligent, compassionate prayer. Whether we call, text, or email prayers, we have connected to The Source of Healing, the great "Rapha", the One who creates, changes, transforms, and resurrects us. That "dispensary" never closes, never charges for anything, and is available to ALL! I believe in healing through physical touch. Hugs are healing. They are my "anti-fentanyl vaccination"! Massages are ultra-healing. When someone who is gifted to heal through touch therapy, like my dear wild sister Terri, I know that I have been touched by the Divine Beloved! 

This is healing...

On a different note...

Today I reflect on the passage about Mary and Joseph bringing Jesus to the temple shortly after his birth. The part that caught my attention was how Simeon and Anna were "in the Spirit". That was the single distinction that allowed them to enter into the sweetest and greatest revelation. They got to see Messiah, in the flesh. They got to hold him close, smell him, squeeze his sweet little cheeks, and do all the goofy things we do when we meet a newborn.  Nobody was expecting Messiah to come in such a vulnerable form. Some were expecting a king, a liberator,  a mighty warrior. Others were expecting a priest, the supreme priest that would fulfill and enforce the Law. But, a baby? Messiah is a baby?!? This is the extreme paradox. Only a few were privileged and blessed to witness and understand this mystery. This could only happen "in the Spirit"!

Consider the things we could see, say, and do if only we chose to enter life "in the Spirit". Consider the heights and the depths we could navigate "in the Spirit". Consider the love, peace, joy, and compassion we could spread in our communities when we walk "in the Spirit". Consider the freedom we experience when we are "in the Spirit".

This is not just wishful thinking. I am not just speaking anything out into the universe, hoping that it will answer back. No, I speak in the certainty that when I am "in the Spirit", when I respond to the prompting of the Spirit, amazing things happen. When I pray/speak/walk "in the Spirit", there is a sense of peace, confidence, and assurance that can be felt within a 5 mile radius (perhaps I exaggerate a little, haha)!

Now, consider praying this with me:

"Holy Spirit,  our teacher, would you awaken our hearts, expand our minds, and shape our identity in new ways."

In Jesus' name. Amen.

i can be...

 i can be...

... a chameleon. it reminds me of mika's song "grace kelly" and all the tik-tok great iterations. "i can be brown, i can be blue, i can be violet sky, i can be hurtful, i can be purple... i can be anything you like..."

yes, i can be a straight A student in one subject. i can flunk out of a simple math class. i can read "innumeracy", and the following week read "kiss of the spider woman". i can be completely enamored of Julian of Norwich's contemplative living arragement. i can be completely comfortable walking confidently down the streets of the Lower East Side. i can drive across the US and commute across any  busy city street. i can be "gracefully broken" and i can "dance like nobody is watching". i can be ecstatic in silencio, and i can be enraptured by carmina burana o fortuna.

oh, i can be... so many paradoxes, and i am not done being done yet. 

these days you can find me practicing lectio divina as well as 26x2 yoga. i can flow from home therapy with a 2 year old to an end of life consultation providing language and cultural assistance. i can be totally happy crocheting a blanket while watching something silly on tv. you can catch walking the perimeter of the apartment complex doing prayer rounds. i keep praying/hoping that one day there will be prayer missionaries all along every street on Hampton Roads. in the meantime, i keep walking and praying. it is simple, uncomplicated, and free. seriously, if you need a prayer partner, just ask. send your prayer requests to wepray24x7@gmail.com.

BUT, 

my absolute favorite place to be is at the feet of Adonai. i fall down in absolute adoration and gratitude. it is the place where i am at peace and i live in joy. time seems to stop and i am enveloped by sweet warm aroma that permeates the space. i am no longer sad, no longer hungry nor thirsty. i am totally satiated. i am not in pain and i am not comparing my self to anyone else's. in this space i am one with Beloved Adonai and i am one with all others who tabernacle here.

hide n seek

.

I have often posted about my less than positive relationships, especially with my family. I have read. I have prayed. I have talked. I have crocheted. I have cried. I have fought. What haven't i done? Then, I surrendered.

I chose to accept and respect their decisions. I also chose to draw certain boundaries for good measure. And then, God happened! He intervened in spectacular fashion, as He always does. Today I can report that relationships have been restored.

Compassion, forgiveness, and love abound. Communication is much better. Nevertheless, the boundaries are still in place. We can love one another without imposing judgmental values on each other. We can support each other while respecting distances.

This last series of events prompt me to conclude that God answers the prayers of a humble heart. When I was finally exhausted, and the last ounce of pride had been wrung out of me, God "showed up". Or did He? 

Does God play dice with the universe? Does God play "dolls" with His creation? Does God play "hide-n-seek"? Sometimes my immature and selfish soul believes this. I get myself into situations that are difficult to maneuver and my first instinct is to play the blame game. Somebody has to be blamed, God, the universe, karma. I am not saying that God, the universe, or karma are the same thing. That's a topic for another post. All I'm saying is that when life gets complicated, it is easier to blame someone rather than take ownership for my own messes.

Once again, a specific situation shows me an object lesson. GOD DOES NOT PLAY HIDE AND SEEK! Through all the tears, all the prayers, all the counseling, He was there. He was constant, present, waiting for me to acknowledge His presence. Just as He wept with Martha and Mary, He wept with me. Just as He was moved to compassion for the woman who dared to touch the hem of his robe, and the anointing flowed from Him. His grace was poured over me. And, just as He forgave the woman who was brought to Him for judgment, He forgave me. He patiently waited for me to come out of my hiding place. He was standing there, and still is, with arms wide open waiting for me, and you, to walk into the embrace.

I want to thank all of you who continually and lovingly walk this path with me. Thank you for all the encouragement,  the wisdom, and kindness you extend in my direction. You are so precious to me. Let's keep going!

which way? the way

l am on a quest of biblical proportions.  I am looking for THE unicorn of unicorns. There is a serious disconnect in research and investigation regarding body issues and eating disorders among older adults. I have been looking for reading materials, support groups, anything that is credible and sensible that addresses this part of my healing journey. There is no way that I am going to "swallow" the myth that older adults don't experience ED simply because we have come to accept our bodies. That is the biggest load of crap being peddled out there. All you have to do is walk into your nearest "y" and you'll find MANY active adults engaging in all sorts of age appropriate exercises. Granted not all of them are there because they are struggling with ED. However, I have witnessed and engaged in some conversations that lead me to believe that there is a sector of the population that is "silently" suffering the ravaging effects of a culture that idolizes the perfect image of the perfect human. (Thank you eugenics!... sarcasm intended)

Digression: Oh, so you don't agree with my assessment?!? Well, how many times did you hear a family member, maybe even yourself, say "oh they have good hair", or "hay que mejorar la raza" (we must improve the race, wink and chuckle). Yup, that still happens.

Anywho....

Y'all, I'm just tired. I'm exhausted. It really does take all my energy to pull myself together to step out the door when necessary. Whenever I read about Julian of Norwich, or any of the anchoresses, I get this "romantic fantasy" of a life in seclusion. The idea of not having physical interaction with the world outside is powerfully enticing. Yet, I understand that it is nearly impossible and unhealthy... oh, but for a few minutes it would be glorious. (Now you may wink and chuckle).

For one moment, albeit a second, I want to be whole, complete, fulfilled, sated, satisfied, pure and brand new. I want to flow gracefully, lovingly, confidently. I want to spin and twirl... like silk thread on a gentle breeze... like crystal clear fresh water rushing down stream and at the same time coating every surface I touch with infectious bubbling joy. I want that for me, and I want that for everybody.

So, I read and I search. This is what i found:

"The mystical way is the inner way. People try to find in their inner lives a connection  with the "reality of the unseen", "the source of being", "the point of silence". There they discover that what is most personal is most universal. Beyond the superficial layers of idiosyncrasies, psychological differences, and individual character traits,  they find a center from which they can embrace all other beings at once and experience meaningful connections with all that exists." (Nowen, Wounded Healer, p20)

Thusly, i ask myself how do my wounds become a source of healing, not just for myself but for others like me? How do I avoid "spiritual exhibitionism"? How does healing take place in my generation? 

"Care, compassion  understanding, forgiveness,  fellowship, community ". 

"I must withdraw to make room for the other … This withdrawal, rather than going-out-to-meet the other, is an intense act of concentration, a model for which can be found in the Jewish mystical doctrine of Tsimtsum. God as omnipresent and omnipotent was everywhere. He filled the universe with his Being. How then could the creation come about?… God had to create by withdrawal; He created the not-Him, the other, by self-concentration … On the human level, withdrawal of myself aids the other to come into being. (Insearch, p. 31)

But human withdrawal is a very painful and lonely process, because it forces us to face directly our own condition in all its beauty as well as misery. When we are not afraid to enter into our own center and to concentrate on the stirrings of our own soul, we come to know that being alive means being loved. This experience tells us that we can only love because we are born out of love, that we can only give because our life is a gift, and that we can only make others free because we are set free by Him whose heart is greater than ours. When we have found the anchor places for our lives in our own center, we can be free to let others enter into the space created for them and allow them to dance their own dance, sing their own song and speak their own language without fear. Then our presence is no longer threatening and demanding but inviting and liberating."

today's journey

today I experienced something so sweet and marvelous, so amazing and out of the ordinary. i scheduled a facial at the same healing place where i receive massage therapy and reflexology. the women with whom i have interacted thus far have been outstanding. so, i came with expectations of a good service, yet with some hesitation, feeling somewhat vulnerable at the appearance of my skin. afterall, i am celebrating 64 years of life in november, and i do minimal skin care routine. nevertheless, i forged ahead and met with a very talented and special young woman. for sixty minutes, she ministered tenderly to my thirsty skin cells. the room wass beautifully decorated, comfortable and cozy. the "table" where i lay felt like a cloud, being hugged by warm, soft, fluffy yumminess. while i was there, i completely forgot the condition of my skin. i forgot about my weight issues, body issues, hair issues, insecurities, trauma history, loneliness, etc. i was touched and massaged in such a way that i was completely lost in sensations of fresh, creamy, clean, fragrant lotions and toners.  in that moment time stopped, financial concerns went out the window, politics and current events were silenced. i dove into the healing waters that were present and immediately available. i was floating and flowing in an ocean of amber tones, scented in chocolate, rose, lavender, cassia, helichrysum, patchouli, and every aroma that elicits a soothing emotion.

the rest of the day i felt like i was glowing, and i probably did. i nourished my soul with meditation and sacred reading. i respected my hunger and cooked an amazing concoction of asian noodles that fueled the body, mind, and soul. i even indulged in some television viewing, just enough to be entertained while i experimented with a new crochet stitch. i know, i cannot just sit there and watch tv. my hands have to be engaged in some form of creative expresion. i love that about myself.

Later i found the quotes below as i was reading some articles on wellbeing and self-care.

today i found a form of self-care that allowed for ministration to the body. today i engaged in an energy exchange with a like-minded individual who truly understands the need for intimate relationships among humans, especially among women. we need to learn to minister to one another. we need to learn to care for one another; to cherish and nourish each other; to encourage and support one another, to touch with wisdom, love, and hope.

i am convinced that...