which way? the way

l am on a quest of biblical proportions.  I am looking for THE unicorn of unicorns. There is a serious disconnect in research and investigation regarding body issues and eating disorders among older adults. I have been looking for reading materials, support groups, anything that is credible and sensible that addresses this part of my healing journey. There is no way that I am going to "swallow" the myth that older adults don't experience ED simply because we have come to accept our bodies. That is the biggest load of crap being peddled out there. All you have to do is walk into your nearest "y" and you'll find MANY active adults engaging in all sorts of age appropriate exercises. Granted not all of them are there because they are struggling with ED. However, I have witnessed and engaged in some conversations that lead me to believe that there is a sector of the population that is "silently" suffering the ravaging effects of a culture that idolizes the perfect image of the perfect human. (Thank you eugenics!... sarcasm intended)

Digression: Oh, so you don't agree with my assessment?!? Well, how many times did you hear a family member, maybe even yourself, say "oh they have good hair", or "hay que mejorar la raza" (we must improve the race, wink and chuckle). Yup, that still happens.

Anywho....

Y'all, I'm just tired. I'm exhausted. It really does take all my energy to pull myself together to step out the door when necessary. Whenever I read about Julian of Norwich, or any of the anchoresses, I get this "romantic fantasy" of a life in seclusion. The idea of not having physical interaction with the world outside is powerfully enticing. Yet, I understand that it is nearly impossible and unhealthy... oh, but for a few minutes it would be glorious. (Now you may wink and chuckle).

For one moment, albeit a second, I want to be whole, complete, fulfilled, sated, satisfied, pure and brand new. I want to flow gracefully, lovingly, confidently. I want to spin and twirl... like silk thread on a gentle breeze... like crystal clear fresh water rushing down stream and at the same time coating every surface I touch with infectious bubbling joy. I want that for me, and I want that for everybody.

So, I read and I search. This is what i found:

"The mystical way is the inner way. People try to find in their inner lives a connection  with the "reality of the unseen", "the source of being", "the point of silence". There they discover that what is most personal is most universal. Beyond the superficial layers of idiosyncrasies, psychological differences, and individual character traits,  they find a center from which they can embrace all other beings at once and experience meaningful connections with all that exists." (Nowen, Wounded Healer, p20)

Thusly, i ask myself how do my wounds become a source of healing, not just for myself but for others like me? How do I avoid "spiritual exhibitionism"? How does healing take place in my generation? 

"Care, compassion  understanding, forgiveness,  fellowship, community ". 

"I must withdraw to make room for the other … This withdrawal, rather than going-out-to-meet the other, is an intense act of concentration, a model for which can be found in the Jewish mystical doctrine of Tsimtsum. God as omnipresent and omnipotent was everywhere. He filled the universe with his Being. How then could the creation come about?… God had to create by withdrawal; He created the not-Him, the other, by self-concentration … On the human level, withdrawal of myself aids the other to come into being. (Insearch, p. 31)

But human withdrawal is a very painful and lonely process, because it forces us to face directly our own condition in all its beauty as well as misery. When we are not afraid to enter into our own center and to concentrate on the stirrings of our own soul, we come to know that being alive means being loved. This experience tells us that we can only love because we are born out of love, that we can only give because our life is a gift, and that we can only make others free because we are set free by Him whose heart is greater than ours. When we have found the anchor places for our lives in our own center, we can be free to let others enter into the space created for them and allow them to dance their own dance, sing their own song and speak their own language without fear. Then our presence is no longer threatening and demanding but inviting and liberating."