To-Do-List

 

...so today i struggle with all the reminders that "tis the season"!

and i understand if all the lights and the music fill you with warm sweet memories of love and expectation; the smells that mean home, hugs, pageantry; cookies and hot chocolate, presents and fa-la-la-la-la. if that is you, please ENJOY - wrap yourself in your warm blanket of comfort, joy, and peace.

BUT, please be mindful and compassionate of those of us who do not share in the "magic of christmas".

seldom do i recall a truly joyful event related to the holiday season. i do remember the drinking, the "parranda" -

 Puerto Rico's loud and boisterous version of caroling. nothing will instill fear into the heart of a puertorrican maternal figure than the sounds of a noisily approaching group of drunks, shushing each other, coming to your house at 2AM demanding that you get up to feed them and quench their

thirst for "coquito" and "pitorro". In the US, you would call the police and register a complaint of loud noise. In PR, you call your "vecinos" to bring over whatever food they can spare to feed the mob. this is done out of desperation, born out of the "what will they say" mentality that pervades our combination of "shame and honor" cultural marker. incidentally, if any of these foreign words cause you some discomfort - you are entirely welcome. i meant to take you out of your comfort zone. type the word in your favorite search engine, and educate yourself. i had to. USA, did not come with a handy-dandy instruction manual. instead, foreigners are left at your shores, by whatever conveyance of transport, to flounder and attempt to navigate one the most convoluted, disgustingly biased, incredibly flawed, immigration systems on the planet. Most countries will be very upfront about whether or not they will welcome someone. the US planted a very unflattering looking woman at a major entry point declaring "give me your huddled masses yearning to be free", but they forgot to add the asterisk that will direct you to the very tiny print at the bottom, "only if you are melanin challenged, and can provide evidence of your pedigree. everybody else may come in but only if they agree to forfeit certain privileges, live in servitude, and pledge your children in perpetuity as the working class".  but, i digress...

what were we talking about? oh, yes the delusion of holiday merriment. no, im not saying you are deluded. i'm saying that i am brokenhearted by the illusion in which i was raised, that everything that came from Spain/US was patently so much better than anything home grown. Our language, traditions, culture, religion, everything and anything related to this time of year, has been imposed by others. i really do wish i could remember a time when a holiday tradition was not punctuated by some bizarre ritual or image that was so contrary to our tropical environment, to the natural foods in the island, to the sound of the sea, to the cool morning breeze in the mountains, to bright and beautiful flora that dominates the view and threatens to overtake anything manmade. yes, i am a romantic, an idealist... dare i to dream?

what happens when someone wants to break out of that tight mold of gifting expectations that demand a piece of paper that guarantees that the item was manufactured by someone other than yourself? i will tell you what happens, that precious spark of creativity and thoughtfulness is set aside and seen as having less value. it breaks the heart when you sense the look of disappointment or derision at a homespun item that is discarded or carelessly left behind. BUT... i do have a "happy box" filled with handwritten, hand drawn cards, doodles, and love notes from dear ones who understand my yen for the extraordinary, the unique, the simply joyful exchange of compassion that comes with each treasured item. 

this year, i don't even have the energy to think about holiday decor, gift giving, travel, etc. i don't even have the resources to purchase materials for making presents. i'd like to think, and declare, that i invested this year's gift giving cash in visiting people, family, and friends, throughout the country, throughout the year. however, i don't even think that people would consider those visits as a gift of love and companionship, forging memories and relationships.

perhaps, i underestimate the strength of those bonds. frankly, i am just plain tired, exhausted, and not looking forward to this holiday season. can we just skip it? can we just finish the year quietly? may be that is what i will do. turn off, quiet down, tune out, wrap myself in a blanket of self-soothing comfort, being mindful of Holy Spirit presence and peace, no worry or anxiety about gifts and cards that i cannot afford, beginning the year in debt and financial concerns, spending energy in projects that are not appreciated nor bear fruit. Maybe, i'll start a new family tradition. Let's get out of our comfort zone, join another family in discomfort, and walk together into new possibilities, dreams, new beginnings.

so, i am appropriating this to do list... this is more my speed...

 and we're back...

back to the reality that stares back at me from the mirror;

back to pinching my excess flesh; 

back to heart racing and struggling;

back to headaches and pressure;

back to coveting and wanting a smaller, thinner me;

back to thinking that starvation and punishing the body is a viable weight loss method;

back where i do not want to be... where i do not belong.

how do i get out of this space? where do i turn? where do i go? what can i do?

instantly my mind goes to scripture, Their presence is here, in my despair, in my hopelessness, in my weakness, in my exhaustion, in my pain, They are here. Yes, They, the fullness of all that They are - Father, Mother, Husband, Brother, High Priest, Sacrificial Lamb, River of Life, Bread, Comforter, Counselor, Wisdom, Redeemer, all of that and more.

now this space is filled with Presence, Stillness, Peace, Comfort... silencio 

 compassion... what does look like? how does it feel? 

i have to share with you something that happenned recently while i was in the studio. i showed up early so that i could pick a "good spot", not too close to the mirror, but still able to see myself. i took one look at my hips and i saw a roundness that i had not considered before. i thought, "wow, those are amazing beautiful hips!" since i know that Holy Spirit is with me wherever i go, and i speak with them often, i said, "is that what You see?" suddenly, a wave of compassion (more like a tsunami) moved through me and i cried. i cried for all the times i scolded and punished myself for not looking like a magazine model, or what this culture says i should look like. i cried for all the lost time spent hating my body, not appreciating the work of God's hand. oh, and there were also tears of joy, relief, and release as i entered into His compassion for me. i cried as i, in the spirit, ran into their arms - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. i could feel their warm embrace, and i still do. now, i am walking in the full knowledge that i can see what They see in me, and love what They love about me. that though my body continues to mature and age, i am doing so with grace through their grace and mercy. 

today, i can say with all certainty that i love my curls and my gray. i love the way it frames my round face.

i love how i have deep lines around my mouth because it means that i have stretched my lips in outrageous laughter. i love that i have strong legs that support me and allow me to achieve balance to overcome the vertigo that sometimes shows up. i love that i have a strong back that can bend in all four directions, that i can do back bends, bow poses, and camel poses.

in that respect, i love that i am surrounded by a community of love and compassion, where we hold each other up, encourage one another, hug through the difficult times, and can laugh together loudly, uniquely, and joyously. oh, i just love the work that Holy Spirit is doing in me, from the inside out, as it should be. that work then produces the healing - physically, mentally, most of all, spiritually. i truly marvel, like the psalmist, at God's workmanship, that i am His "poiema", a work of art that has been lovingly and carefully crafted by the Master Artisan.

one thing i find even more precious is the certainty that this body that i am seeing now is not the body that i will carry for eternity. i believe with all my heart, mind, and soul that i will be transformed and be made wholly perfect and complete; no more wrinkles, nor misaligned vertebrae, no more aches and pains. i believe i will be able to run and jump, do cartwheels, dance like i have never danced before - and you know i'm puerto rican so that's gonna be fierce!!! once in a while i see glimpses of how that's gonna be, and the fact that i'm not gonna be alone; the fact that i will be surrounded by people who speak the language i prefer, the language of peace, love and compassion; the fact that i will be in an environment that is specifically designed to be creative, to work the garden, to sing, shout, dance, hug, and LOVE... that astounds me, yet fills me with unspeakable joy.

i know that i am still on the healing journey. i am very aware that some days will be difficult to navigate, yet at this time i am filled with gratitude, and i am going to ride this for all it is worth. i am going to remain in this moment and breathe, i am going to remain in contemplation of the goodness and the peace that surrounds me. i am going to focus on the beauty in me and around me, a beauty that will never diminish because it is fueled by Someone who is eternal, inmutable, infallible, inefable.

thank You God!!!!

my prayer tonight for me and for you, dear sojourner, is

"Holy Spirit, you are our comforter. every moment of every day , you are all that we need. fill us with your presence and peace. heal our hearts, our bodies, our souls, and our minds from all trauma and release your comfort into every area of our lives. You will bring us through every difficult and painful circumstance. not only will you bring us through them, you will also comfort us in the middle of them, giving us peace that doesn't come from this world.

you are helping us and healing us. give us an eternal comfort and a wonderful hope and strengthen us in every good thing we do and say. in the midst of trouble, we will cry out to You. Your unfailing love is our comfort!"* 

in Jesus' name, Amen.

*Adapted from "Prayers & Promises for Healing", p.26.

 i am so tired of being the biggest one in the room! it seems that everywhere i go, every activity i practice, everywhere i look, i'm the biggest person present. why is that???? is it my mind playing tricks on me. what kind of sadist am, that i do that to myself? what did i do to deserve this?am i so hideous??? am i so evil? have i done such terrible things that i deserve to be punished again and again, relentlessly for 63 years... not a minute of peace???? meanwhile there are women who seem to walk about placidly, contentedly, assured in their own being and self-perception. i am not one of them, never have been, and it seems that i never will be.

i remember conversations with my parents when they would make references to people and called them "FAT", using an exagerated inflection, that seemed so hurtful and disapproving. i could only surmise that if they talked about them in such a way, surely they talked about me in the same way. people who gossip have a tendency to do just that. so, if someone is talking to you about someone else, rest assured they will talk about you to other people. that is their undeniable nature. instead of being moved to compassion and praying for the person who is in pain and suffering, they choose to denigrate and undermine. file this under "what not to do unto others".

... later...

...much later, after many thoughts spoken through tears and sighs...

it amazes me every single time... how healing it is to move some of these "files" from the dark recesses of my soul into the light. oh, my goodness!!!! it feels so good to verbalize, to externalize, to air out, to identify, to point out, to put a label on all these ugly thoughts, nasty memories, old tapes, etc. it feels so good to look at them, breathe through them, and let them pass through me. it feels so good to actively tell these images that they are not invited to stay. they have no permission to remain. they must move on. my mind ain't your house. Go home, there is no reason for you to be here!!!!

update on the art/craft projects- ALL finished, moving on to the next.

update on translation - one book done, one to go. i will be traveling to SoDak to do translation/interpreting for a month-long assignment.

this is all i have for now...

messy creative life

 

this is my life right now... messy, disjointed, half finished projects. sooner or later they will all get finished, but in the process my mind just feels so jumbled up with ideas bubbling up everywhere. i want to do them all at once. there seems to be a sense of urgency that i need to do these things before i cannot do them anymore. i know that there will come a time when i won't be able to do these things... or maybe it is the fear that i am becoming my mother who had a number od comorbidities, was nearly blind, deaf, and contended with her eating disorder til the day she died. it was from her that i learned that throwing up was a way to lose weight. that was her legacy to me, anxieties, anger, frustration, body image issues. however, she also taught me about faith and  relentless prayer. she taught me about hope for a better tomorrow. she taught me to trust in God for all things at all times.

today i sit in my messy living space. my bed is half made. there are at least three crafting projects going at the same time. i have three translation projects on deck, one of which is due in 3 days, and i have zero motivation to work on any of them. i'm exhausted just thinking about all the shit that i want to accomplish. i want to just roll up into a ball and not do anthing, just lay there and not think about anything...

maybe that's just what i need to do. set everything aside for a few minutes and not think, let all these thoughts, anxieties, and frustrations float on by for a little while i make one of my lists and then prioritize what needs to be done first, etc.

be back soon...

freaky freeflow friday

 i know my posts are mostly diatribes and emotional rants, BUT today at this very moment i'm feeling good.

this morning i started out with hot yoga, 26&2, THE original hot yoga, good for your heart, your internal organs, your joints, work every muscle group yoga. this moving meditation is more my speed. i know it's not for everybody but i LOVE it.

i'vehad such good instructors, who have worked, molded, and encouraged me to move to the best of my abilities, to move as slow as i need, and go as deep as my body can. now, i follow the guidance/teaching of Ginny at Yoga Rx, a compassionate and highly empathic soul. If you are in the 757 area and you want to experience a practice that goes above and beyond, come to this studio, https://www.yoga-rx-vb.com/. everytime i go to class, my inner child - Gaby from "Vivo",  sings and encourages me to march, dance, and move to the beat of my own drum. i am really grateful and surprised to see what my body can do, at this weight and age.  how many of you can say that they absolutely love to work out? i do, i do, i do 

Oh, oh, oh... i saw something funny yesterday. picture this, a really nice tesla car... now put this color combination together, OD green, you know like the old army uniforms, and pearlescence!!! Yup, yup, it's like throwing glitter on baby poop... ROTFLMBO... oh, i crack myself up

let's see.. what else? my younger son came to hot yoga with me this morning. i'm so proud of him. it was his first class and he did very well. he stayed in the studio. he did not go running out the door, tongue hanging out, ripping his clothes off, looking for the nearest water source. he did not pass out. he started and finished with the rest of the class. woooohooooo!

a few minutes ago i had a phone call with a cousin who went to Costco to have breakfast, LOL. as we are on a video call she's going by the different vendors having coffee, bread, coconut nibs, and i don't know what else... oh good Lord, she cracks me up!

 i just looked at my phone and there was a sweet message from a dear sister that blessed me and reminded me of the hymn "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms", by Hoffman and Showalter. now the tune is stuck in my head and i want to share that with you. if you know it, sing it. if you don't, just read the lyrics. all together now...

What a fellowship, what a joy divine,

Leaning on the everlasting arms;

What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,

Leaning on the everlasting arms.

    Leaning, leaning,

    Safe and secure from all alarms;

    Leaning, leaning,

    Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way,

Leaning on the everlasting arms;

Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,

Leaning on the everlasting arms.

What have I to dread, what have I to fear,

Leaning on the everlasting arms;

I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,

Leaning on the everlasting arms.

and there you go, we just had church, just like that

and now for more yoga irreverence.... 

you know you laughed at that, at the very least you chuckled.

Love you!!!

we are family????

 i wonder what constitutes family. biology? shared experiences? community? religious affinity? common ground? philosophy? all of the above?

right now i am faced with yet another "family reunion", and i am dreading it. who can i talk to about it? i cannot trust most of "them" with my thoughts or feelings. their thinking is so shallow and trite. they'd rather be talking about fart and shit jokes than our family dynamics. it's easier to hide behind bathroom humor than get real with one another. we could do so much healing from generational trauma, if we just chose to open up and REALLY talk/process. instead we'd rather engage in foolishness and enshrine our grandparents, as if they were THE perfect image of christian parenthood. nothing could be further from the truth. one of my favorite sayings is that "by their fruit, they will be known," or "the proof is in the puddin'". the truth is that our family is not good fruit, and we live wrapped up in a cloak of denial and self-delusion.

i really do not want to attend but i've already made a commitment to be there. so, i will be there, and i wonder at what personal cost. i do not relish the thought of spending a long period of time in that particular sphere of hell- the Lehigh Valley. it is a disgusting place, and its denizens can barely be categorized as human. i could employ the facile retort "no offence to those who have no other choice but to live there", but i won't. i would be lying if i said that i hold any kind of love for that area. i have no desire to return nor to live there. yet, here i go again... i am a masochist. somewhere along the line i embraced this persona of the designated ugly fat friend/family member. i allowed myself to get roped into the position of having to transform myself in order to be accepted. no one should have to deny their nature, to wear their hair or have the body that was not designated by dna. i mean,if we are to espouse a doctrine in which we are "wonderfully made" by a Creator who loves and will never leave us nor forsake us, how come i have to torture my hair, and the rest of my body, to receive a compliment from my father?!?!

ENOUGH!!!!! I AM DONE!!!!

today, i do not want to dwell on my biological family's dysfunction and imperfections. i'd rather think and meditate on my chosen family, the Father/Mother who chose me, brothers and sisters that were specifically chosen for me. they are the ones who surround me with compassion, empathy, sweet encouraging thoughts. people who love me through the rough times, when i am four tissue boxes into a good cry because i miss my husband. people who tell me " you are so fucking hot!", and they cook delicious food for me. people who invite me to go walking because they know it is good for me to connect with nature. people who joyfully accept the ways i choose to express my creativity. we are a collective where grace is extended, where faith and hope lead to positive action for the health and healing of the community, spirituality is shared in a common bond of love for God and love of the other, and loved even more when a person chooses not to believe in a power greater than themselves.  that is a family worth seeking, worth pursuing, worth growing, worth cherishing.

i thrive in such an environment. i love relationships where i can hold intelligent, well informed conversations. i love good humor, especially when i know it takes a modicum of knowledge and wit to understand what the person is saying. i cherish compliments, to give and recieve them. i desire reciprocation - not out of self-interest, rather a willingness to freely, graciously, extravagantly give and receive.

this is my manifesto! how you respond to it is your prerogative. i cannot, and will not, try to control how you receive it. at this point in my life, i am working towards a healthy acceptance of the self, and cutting out excess negativity, manipulation, useless information/misinformation, abuse and violence. if you come at me with any of the above, rest assured that there will be some pushback. such behavior will not be tolerated. i will love you and pray with you, but i will not pursue you.

our collective motto is "we choose compassion. love God, love others". i will love you regardless of your definition of "God", your family composition, your preferred pronouns, cosmic identity, political party affiliation, some of you are a little harder to love in that domain, whether basic, "normal", or neurodivergent, static or nomadic... i will love you. however, i must admit that neurodivergents are my kind of people!!! there, i said it, I am biased and i do play favorites.