i just did a thing

i look around and see so much fear. people getting more and more comfortable with their hate, more at ease being mean, more united in their separation, and i think, NO. not me. i will not get lost in this fearful world. i will not play with bullies. i will continue to be brave and kind. i will speak for real unity. and no matter what, i will never stop loving.  

-scott stabile

i just did a thing... and i'm still shaking. i made a decision that has left me shaken. i chose to ignore my sister's messages on social media.

so, a little background. i have a very strange relationship with my biological sister. it is not based on love. rather, it has always been a competition for my parents' attention and affection. of course, you may want to label it as simple sibling rivalry. not so. this is something that goes beyond what is reasonable and expected between siblings. since we were young my parents were very busy, working constanty to give us what they believed to be a healthy lifestyle. now as an adult  i realize, and must echo Jesus' words to Martha, only one thing is necessary. the most effective way to get their attention was illness or some sort of malaise. my sister caught on to this and developed the art of being sick - some call it munchaussen i think. 

now, as adults the manipulation continues. unfortunately, it has evolved, grown, developed into something so ugly that i have internalized a lot of the hurt, pain, and discomfort. i sense her prickly demeanor and i recoil. i hear the brash and offensive tones in her voice, and i want to shut down. i just want to run away and never have to deal with her again. BUT, we are sisters and she lives with my father. inevitably i will have to see her. 

i wish and pray with all my heart that i could have a real and loving relationship with her. my heart aches when i see sisters loving and caring for each other. i don't have that with her. i wish i could talk with her the way that i talk with my forever sisters. that is simply not possible at this time. her spirit is so contrary to my spirit. her character and values are diametrically oppossed to everything i hold dear to my very core. everything that she is, i am not. everything that i am, she is not.

what to do? what to do????

i keep thinking of the passage where Jesus' family came looking for him. from mark 3,

"then Jesus went home, and once again a crowd gathered, so that He and His disciples could not even eat. When His family heard about this, they went out to take custody of Him, saying, 'He is out of His mind.'... 

But Jesus replied, 'Who are My mother and My brothers?' Looking at those seated in a circle around Him, He said, 'Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of God is My brother and sister and mother.'"

it seems to me that Jesus was faced with a similar situation. his family perceived him as crazy, unfit, "out of His mind". My earthly father has often remarked on my creative ways as my "loqueras" (crazy ways). my biological sister is very passive aggressive, most times just aggressive, towards any comment i make, or activity in which i choose to engage. i carry around in my 'baggage' comments about being fat, my hair is too curly/frizzy/nappy, my theology is too liberal, and so on, and so on...

for some time now i have gathered a group of individuals that i call my family of choice, my forever family. they are people with whom i share the kingdom now, and will live with them for all eternity. i love that we can be fully transparent, vulnerable, honest, and loving with each other. we speak the same language, God's love for all. it doesn't matter what background, ethnicity, or language of origin we speak. what is important is that we share in the love of God, and we actively seek to love others. that is our core value, all other values are predicated on it.

today, i feel that i need to call on my forever family, to be surrounded by their warm embrace, to be ministered by their joy. i especially need my sisters and daughters who nourish me with their hugs and sassiness. i need my sons' humor, their jokes, their laughter. i need you!!!

much love and shalom...

unfolding

 yup, here i am again... meditating... contemplating existence for this moment, in this space. the prayer prompt for today is "what do you need to continue to process today? stay in this space for as long as you need."

 i probably could be here for the next three years and still not be able to fully answer that question.

the Word tells me that my concerns are His concerns because He cares and He is interested in my cares. for real??? does He really care about my weight problem?! does He really care that i go into the bathroom numerous times a day to strip butt naked to check my weight? does He care that i obsess about what i am going to eat for fear that i will gain weight? if so, then how does that care manifest??? i have yet to meet a pastor or religious leader that knows how to deal with this from a spiritual perspective. i've' even looked up information on how to deal with ED, at my age, and in my ethnic group, incorporating a spiritual approach. there's very little out there. i'm not saying that i am special in any way, but i do find myself in a weird category. i am a puerto rican woman in my 60's who is still dealing with bingeing/purging/restricting/obsessing, though lately it is mostly restricting. 

so, this is my process today. is it any different than any other day? NO!!! it is the same as yesterday and the day before, and the day before that!!! it may have a different hue, or a different smell, but it is always the same: get on the scale, look at the number, let that sink in for a second, sigh.

oops, gotta go to physical therapy, will return soon...

...on we go.

it is interesting that in acknowledging and documenting this process, i am coming undone. it is like an unraveling, but in a good way. it is like an  unfolding, a revealing process. i know that i am not done yet. i probably will never get to the folded out version of myself, not in this plane of existence. i am assured in the biblical text that his is a spiritual and godly thing, that this is a good process. the Holy Spirit who began this unfolding will continue to do so, and will continue to see me through it with tenderness and care as the layers get exposed. how exciting, and terrifying at the same time!!!

i've been thinking lately that my quest for information that is relevant to my age group and ethnicity has led me to the realization that there is a need for more research. it has sparked in me the desire to go back to school. in my estimation this would be an interesting topic of inquiry, a research pursuit, perhaps a dissertation project. hmmmm... 

i already started looking into it. i want to shoot for the moon. the best school for psych research is stanford. it is a stretch to think that i would be admitted into such a program, but what have i got loose? better yet, what would i gain? to know that i applied to a program where only 10-15 people are chosen out of thousands of applicants. 

i believe i have made a resolution. i have set an intention. i have spoken a desire, a care, a want. i am placing this concern at the feet of the One who can actually grant that desire, and pray that He will.

as i re-read this entry i am reminded of the laments in the bible. 

Gratitude: good-bye 2021, hello 2022!

 

 

Woooohooo, it’s new year’s eve! Another year over, and I’m glad it is. Today,  I’m filled with expectation and trepidation for what is to come. More ‘rona talk? More threats of domestic terrorism, inflation, and political upheaval? All very real possibilities. BUT… there’s always a but, i am at peace, especially when I choose to trust in the Lord’s wisdom rather than man’s limited understanding.

Having “said” that, when I look back at 2021 there are so many events and circumstances for which I am so grateful to have been present and witnessed. I’m not going to enumerate all, as I take them to heart and cherish those moments. There is one singular moment that has really shifted my perspective, and opened up a world of new possibilities.

Early in November, for my birthday, I resolved to join former “army buddies” for a reunion. I was hesitant, almost petrified, to see them and be seen by them. The truth is I did not want them to see me as I look today. My dear little sister, Kelley, put her foot down, and would not take “no” nor “maybe” for an answer. She was determined to convince me to be there. So, with much fear and doubt, yet encouraged by my sons, I drove down to Savannah. It took every ounce of effort and energy for me to walk into the meeting place. Then, I saw them from a distance. The first one I recognized, Tony, quickly hurried to my side and wrapped me in a huge bear hug that eased some of my anxiety. Then, Kelley saw me, screamed, and I melted into the embrace. It was so good to see her in person!!! Next, came the biggest reunion,

Kelley, Lucy, and I were back together again. 

Time just melted, the persistence of memory erased years of separation and we just fell in step as if we had never parted. We reminisced, we laughed, hugged, cried, got henna tattoos, ate, and celebrated every moment. So good, so good!!!! We vowed to remain connected and meet once a year, at least. These amazing women and their spouses are now in my life, again, and my heart rejoices. This is one of those moments where the soul jumps and sings and dances with joy, purpose, intention, pure love – unconditional, unquenchable, unafraid, unrestrained, undignified, unpretentious, REAL!!!!! I get to share myself, about myself, and of myself without masks, without the window dressing, no make-up, in pajamas, with messy hair and we just don’t care, zero f**** given!

Hold on... wait... there are some moments that I reflect upon, although, at first, I was astonished at the news. Two women transitioned and released themselves from this plane of existence. Titi Priscilla and Titi Araminta passed recently, within weeks of each other. Let me tell you about these great sheroes. They were part of my life and exerted great influence. I can say today that I am who I am because of them. From early on, they treated me with intelligence, communicated with me as an equal, were exceedingly generous with their sage and wealth of knowledge. They infused me with the desire to grow and develop a sense of myself; to be independent; to not be influenced by empty rhetoric, to appreciate beauty in everything; to challenge tradition, arbitrary religion, petty humanity, conventional relationships, and gender conformity. I dared to dream because of them. I wanted to be like them, eventually I became them; fiercely independent, critical, insightful, deeply spiritual, a well-educated life-long learner and seeker of wisdom. I still remember the day my father unintentionally gave me the greatest compliment ever. He said, “you eat like your aunt Priscilla”. He may have meant as a “put down”, but I relished it. She ate unconventional food, took weird supplements, believed in healing crystals and medicinal plants. I love it all. Moreover, I am so grateful for the seeds they planted in me. they watered, nurtured, and watched me grow. Then, in their own way, they ushered me into the world, occasionally connecting with me to make sure I was still growing and bearing fruit. I love them both. They inspire me to be a better mother, a better sister, a better woman, a better human.

I also have to document how grateful I am for my sons. This year, in particular, has brought so many opportunities to talk, pray, dance, eat, care for one another, be silly and laugh at our own farts! Some of them have been EPIC, my only regret is that we weren’t able to record them, and share the “joy of flatulence” with other people. nevertheless, those memories are etched in my mind, stored into the long-term files. These men are truly unique creatures. I am so proud to have been chosen to bring them into the world, and I am glad they affirm and wholeheartedly support my parenting efforts. They are so forgiving, loving, caring, astute, wise beyond their years, creative, and funny! Yeah, I’m a proud momma bear.

Most importantly and intentionally, I am grateful for God’s provision and protection. This has been a year of shifting perspectives, challenging emotions, healing and breakthrough, compassion and empathy, growth, contemplation, meditation, and introspection. God has been at the center of it all, taking precedence, making His presence known, comforting, imparting clarity and peace. Every day, several times a day, I find myself uttering my favorite three word prayer, “Thank You, Lord”; sometimes in a whisper, sometimes in a shout for joy, sometimes in catharsis, sometimes in pain, always with a grateful heart and mindset.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (I Thessalonians 5:16-18, NKJV)

With this missive I send out intentional and purposeful prayers for a blessed and prosperous new year.

GOD BLESS US ALL

Con Te Partiro

 

today i feel like unbecoming, not in a physical way, rather to experience a spiritual unbecoming. that's what i yearn for today; that undoing in music that travels to the very core of my soul; that work of art that is a mirror to my emotions; that yoga nidra where i can flow thru the waters of a different consciousness that is both present yet prescient; of unbecoming to become.

today i long for "quiet" mornings; sitting on the front porch with you; the roosters across the street marking the hours, a cacophony of call and response from near and far; the aroma of fresh brewed coffee, the extra cup for our sister/friend Sandra; conversations on the nature of God's character, as if we could ever grasp the unfathomable ineffability of the Person Who refuses to be boxed into a compartment in my mind palace.

...and i miss you. i miss all of you. i miss the passion, the dangerous fire of tempers clashing, two wicked smart minds searching for that fatal move - check mate! Ha-ha, I am the queen, victorious, bowdown, grovel, and worship me; long drives; all night talks, and even the ardent miscommunications. eventually, time, friction, and temperature formed the foundation of a relationship that would not allow itself to be shaken by separation, opinion, ideology, temptation, poverty, homelessness, sickness, addiction, idiosyncrasy, nor imperfection.

oh, but those long walks along Guajataca, picking up seaglass, hiking El Yunque, picnic by the falls, sunsets in Rincon, "chillo con tostones" at Crashboat beach. so many memories.

with our lives we wrote a magnificent symphony of subtle notes, strident crescendos, big percussion followed by sotto voce, part Queen, part Yo-Yo Ma, part Emerson Lake and Palmer, with some Santana and Bob Marley thrown in for good measure. i remember our first kiss swaying to Linda Rondstat's rendition of Blue Bayou, and i remember our farewell listening to  Bocelli and Brightman belting out "Con Te Partiro" (With You i will Go/Time to Say Goodye)

https://youtu.be/g3ENX3aHlqU

English translation

When I’m alone

I dream on the horizon

and words fail;

yes, I know there is no light

in a room where the sun is absent,

if you are not with me, with me.

At the windows

show everyone my heart

which you set alight;

enclose within me

the light you

encountered on the street.

 

Time to say goodbye

to countries I never

saw and shared with you,

now, yes, I shall experience them.

I’ll go with you

on ships across seas

which, I know,

no, no, exist no longer.

It’s time to say goodbye…

 

When you are far away

I dream on the horizon

And words fail,

and, Yes, I know

that you are with me;

you, my moon, are here with me,

my sun, you are here with me,

with me, with me, with me.

 

Time to say goodbye

To countries I never

Saw and shared with you,

now, yes, I shall experience them.

I’ll go with you

On ships across seas

which, I know,

no, no, exist no longer,

 

with you I shall experience them again.

I’ll go with you

On ships across seas

Which, I know,

No, no, exist no longer;

with you I shall experience them again.

I’ll go with you,

I with you.

[it sounds better in italian]

love, you know how to make an entrance, take your mark, and leave a lasting impression...

THIS moment

 

 

feeling fairly anxious today. I got on the scale early this morning and my weight is up. so, of course, the alarm bells go off; red alert! red alert! Immediately, I’m disappointed, and I try to figure out why. was it something I ate? something I drank? No, there was nothing unusual. As a matter of fact, I only ate a small salad; drank all my water. Oh, but I had some chips – salty. But, it’s not like I ate the whole bag. I don’t know. It’s just another day that my weight is way off, and I’m miserable. Another day that the scale, rather the number on the scale dictates my mood. And I feel like I’m gonna jump out of my skin.

I know I have that dli reunion coming up and I had sworn that I would lose the weight, so I could look somewhat decent. I really don’t know what that means. It’s not like I was a major prize winner to begin with. Even when I was in the military, I felt less than cuz all the other girls were always getting the attention. "R" had the blue eyes, "K" had the blonde hair, "K2" had that smile, "R2" was just gorgeous. Me? a big butt. There is nothing special about me. I’m just average, average intelligence, bad hair, freckles, chubby, awkward, mediocre artist. Yet I always wanted to be special, to live up to the smart girl reputation. yes, i suffer from "impostor syndrome".

I would hear guys talking about other girls and I wondered if they would ever talk about me in that way. I don’t think so. They were there to grab, fondle, insult, call names. I remember 9^th grade, all my little friends had boyfriends. I was not boyfriend material. The only one who paid attention to me was "N", and he was way older than me. he was there to do the deed and then he disappeared.

I remember the shame, the blaming, the interrogation, the denial, the pain of it all, being treated as if it was all my fault, so humiliating, so public. It seemed that everyone who was important to me was disappointed in me. it seemed that they were more interested in what I did rather than what was done to me. I was 14!!!! What the hell did I know???

So, all these things keep coming up and I keep re-living it. I don’t want to it just happens. How can I stop re-living these events? How can I remember without the emotions? Just when I think I’m getting over something, there’s another story, another event, and I am left with the shame, the guilt, the condemnation. No matter how many times I have recited romans 8:1, I keep coming back to some other shameful event.

How long will I have to endure this?

 

i have been fasting (IF, 20/4) regularly, and still weight keeps fluctuating, but not going down. i'm so exhausted, hungry and not sleeping well. i know, duh! i can be so smart and talented for some things, and yet when it comes to weight and appearance i behave so erratically. so, i'm doing some corrective work. i uninstalled the fasting tracker app from my phone, and told my son to hide the scale, again. i'm so tired of these cycles.

 

 

how would i encourage someone who feels like this?

1.     Remind yourself how you can identify with those feelings. Then, read “the religion of thinness”:

“There is a more ominous hunger, and I was and am not alone in sensing it. It squirms under the sternum, clawing at the throat. At school we were hungry and lost and scared and young and we needed religion, salvation—something to fill the anxious hollow in our chests. Many of us sought it in food and thinness.” –Marya Hornbacher1

2.    “Somewhere deep inside, you know that to be a whole person you don’t have to be thin.”

3.    “You may actually be unaware that your spirit is hungry, because judging and controlling your body distances you from your feelings, thoughts, desires, and needs. And so, unconsciously, you search for something to help you feel alive again. Maybe that something is the physical feeling of hunger. Perhaps it is the sensation of eating, an act that brings our minds and bodies together, just as starving ourselves seems to drive them apart. It could be the fantasy of thinness, which always gives us something to strive for, something to look forward to, the happy ending. In any case, based on the amount of time and energy we spend worrying about how to look and what, how much, and whether or not to eat, it’s clear that, for many of us, our spiritual needs have been engulfed by an enormous black hole—one that we unconsciously hope to fill with the The Religion of Thinness.”

4.    “…beneath your great efforts to erase your body and contain its cravings, there is a desire to connect with your flesh, to be at home in your own skin, to experience the power of life that animates your body and enlivens your spirit. For the more we get in touch with the needs of our hearts and souls, the more our faith in thinness loses its importance.”

 [Lelwica, Michelle M.. The Religion of Thinness: Satisfying the Spiritual Hungers Behind Women's Obsession with Food and Weight (pp. 16-17). Gürze Books. Kindle Edition.]

 

most importantly, BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT... keep reading... breathe in, breathe out.

never underestimate the power of silence, wait for the silence, give yourself an opportunity to experience the sacred silence, the Holy Spirit of God will find you there.

 remember to laugh...

processing

 this morning i'm reading and reflecting on anger, emotions, why i keep leaving churches or religious groups. i mean there seems to be a pattern there. i start out with a group enthusiastically. i find a position to serve, i do my tithing, and i am in the fellowship. then, something will happen to "sour" the relationship, and i will begin the distancing process, or i just quit for whateveer reason. usually it is a matter of theology or interpretation of bible, etc. the latest is my withdrawal from vertical church. it had been coming for a while. i was feeling like i didn't belong or that my opinion did not matter.

so, i'm trying to reason thru emotions of self-worth, self-deprecation, self-abuse. what is the pattern here? do i seek relationships wherein i will ultimately feel victimized and then go into blaming mode, "look what they did to me". is that how i operate? i wonder... if so, why???? why can't i be content to attend a church and just deal with it. there are people who attend a church for decades and have no problem, yet i cannot seem to be that way. why? or is this just another lie from the enemy of the soul so that i will punish myself for abandoning yet another religious group. 

God, do you have an answer for me?

then my son says: 'momma, you don't have to give me gifts, just having you is a gift', ok, heart melted

new creation?

 

am i REALLY a "new creation"? or am i cursed? bible tells me that all creation is cursed because of faulty decision making mechanisms in the garden. so, it stands to reason that i am cursed as well.

am i destined to look like this forever? i sure hope not! besides, paul says that we will meet Jesus in our transformed bodies... but how will we look? the text tells us that when Jesus came back in resurrection power He must have looked different because his closest friends could not recognize Him readily.

if i am a new creation, like paul says, then why do i STILL look the same????? i acknowledge that there are significant differences in terms of behavior, mood, spirit, health. BUT, i still look like a manatee, and weigh as much as a baby elephant (and not the cute "disney-dumbo" one)!!! it doesn't seem fair. this is how crazy my thinking gets, "how come a strung out addict gets to be skinny, and i'm not strung out BUT I'M STILL FAT?!?" AND, today's culture and society deems fat, or even curvy, as undesirable. this is madness... or am i the only crazy one... 

i don't think so. there are so many desperate people trying, and dying, to fit into unrealistic parameters of beauty that the market has developed industries, "scientific" methods, religions, philosophies, etc., that cater to the despairing, anguished, distressed, miserable, hungry masses! THIS is the madness.

LORD, Holy Spirit, please, please, please continue the good work that You began in me. i want to grow up to be a different me, not the same, not even better, not a "2.0"... i want to be a completely different me, in every way; fashioned after your image, radiant, strong, beautiful; your way of thinking and reasoning; your way of feeling and experiencing emotions in peace, joy, hope, compassion, gentleness, kindness, steadfastness. i want to be like you. i want to be with you. like john said, "come quickly!"

amen