another day....

Here we go again... i don't want to move! i don't wanna do... I just don't wanna think... how many days can this last and in how many ways?

I finished a really nice beading project and i am not sure where to go next. Creativity eludes me. Inspiration is non existent. Motivation tank is at zero. Maybe I'll just read. Maybe I'll just stay in this dimension of zero thought, zero movement,  zero advancement,  zero regression, zero revolution,  zero resolution... just zero....

Is that possible? Nope. I'm here writing and wanting to get these thoughts out of my system. My head's gonna explode if they are not expressed somehow. I think I need a good detox, a thought detox, an emotion detox, a soul detox. On the other hand I don't want to move from here.

What to do?

Wisdom come.

Love come.

Compassion come.

I summon you.

Soothe me.

Fill me.

Cover me.

Let me sense.

Let me experience.

Prickle me.

Tickle me.

Sting me.

I want to feel

Something. 

I want to envision me. 

I want to actualize me. 

I want to see the real me,

 the truth in me,

The kindness in me,

The gentleness in me,

The courage in me,

The me in me.

And yet... and yet... i must take into consideration that it has been almost two months since I have stepped on a scale. It has not been easy. There has been no joyous celebration.  There have been no fireworks nor ticket tape parades. There have been, though, many times when I wanted to run to the store and get a new scale. So, I "white-knuckled" it and resisted the temptation.

Now there's a void in my perception of the self, of progress, of change. Whereas before i had a number to "motivate and guide", now I feel adrift. I have no way of "knowing" if I'm losing weight or going in the "right" direction. 

I need to do something!

For today I am choosing mindfulness and meditation. I am practicing in listening to the lectio divina, practicing sitting in silence, reciting the "mode ani" (more on that later). 

I also chose to practice mindfulness while cleaning the stove. Soon after both sons came into the kitchen and quietly began cleaning as well. No one had to say anything. There was no nagging nor manipulation. It was a sweet gathering in community for one common purpose. I do love these moments! 

And, there it is! This is progress. This is change. This is growth. This is transformation. This gives me strength to live one more day without the scale. 

reflecting

Today I reflect upon the events that transpired a week ago and I am saddened by the end result.  I had a less than desirable incident with my biological family and I am left with a lot of questions and doubts without a clear healthy avenue for resolution.

My heart aches for all of us. Knowing that I have hurt someone. Knowing that it may be because I tried to impose my will and beliefs upon a situation. Thinking that I have the "right answers", or that my way of doing things is better. Knowing that intentions do not necessarily yield the desired outcomes. Oh, this hurts. 

Self-reflection and self-awareness are necessary yet dangerous transactions. Especially when there are tendencies to be hypercritical, highly sensitive and empathetic. Right now I'm trying to keep a rational and temperate exterior. But, my inner younger Self is on full rant, temper tantrum, throwing things and ripping paper. I'm crying a monsoon, everything hurts from feelings to joints... and I'm mourning. 

I am mourning those who left before me. I am mourning those who left of their own accord. I am mourning those who I rejected in my ignorance and ego centricity. I am mourning those against whom I have chosen to set boundaries. I mourn the relationships that could have flourished. I mourn the ones that I let die through neglect and indifference. I mourn...

YET,

I also reflect on the amazing tapestry of love and compassion that I am weaving around myself. I am surrounded by a family of my choosing that is receptive, aware, full of wisdom and creativity. Men and women thoroughly devoted to love and support one another. I cherish you. I want you in my life. You are the very definition of beauty. This is my tribe. This is my fellowship. 

My wild sister, Susanne Munn shared this beautiful reflection. See how it resonates with you.

"Did you ever wake up with “sleep” in your eyes? You know, those annoying, crusty little bits that get stuck in the corners. Science proclaims it a natural process. Since we’re not blinking when sleeping, the natural debris, oils, and tears that would be wiped away during the day build up during the course of night.

But what if there was another explanation? 

As we travel through the vast worlds and universes of our dreams, specs of planetary dust gravitate onto our eyes to keep us company. ✨🚀✨

As we climb the tall, rocky mountaintops of our dreams, bits of dirt nestle onto our eyes to nourish and help us grow. ✨🏔️✨

As we frolic in the lush, tropical oasis of our dreams, grains of sand leap onto our eyes to experience the joy and serenity with us. 

✨🌴✨

And as we bathe in the mighty ocean of our dreams, drops of salt water cling to our eyes to cleanse our spirit. ✨🌊✨

I think I’ll “sleep” on that, tonight. 🌙 "

Me too, Susanne,  me too!

tribal

last weekend, aug 25-27, I witnessed something AMAZING, indeed miraculous!! Seven women showed up for a divinely appointed sacred moment of renewal, re-birth, raising awareness, and launching of a new movement. we came together, flowed together, moved at our own pace, yet we moved as a unit. we cried, we laughed, we ate, we meditated, we wrote, we danced, we heard, and we listened. we told our stories and found common ground in our uniqueness and individuality.

i asked these gorgeous women, reflections of the image of God, to share some insights as well. so, in their words...

"At our retreats, you’ll find a community of supportive like-minded people who are all working towards personal growth and healing. This  group was no different. The energy and connection was authentic, and the support they showed each other was truly heartwarming. I am honored to have been a part of their journey.

One of the most profound moments of the retreat was when one of the guests shared that the group represented the kingdom of God. Whoa, such a powerful statement. Despite our diverse beliefs, backgrounds, and experiences, we came together as one community, united in our shared quest for healing, growth, and community. It served as a reminder that we are all connected, and that there is a unifying force that binds us all together."

-Alex

"the broken pieces in/of my life will always be part of my life. they will always be memorials of my mistakes/errors/horrors that should not be repeated. They will always be memorials of lessons that should not be forgotten."

-Liz

The Elements of Life

by Susanne Munn

The wind is like a DJ

making treetops dance

as flowers do a group routine

in their shamanic trance.

The birds are my alarm clock,

chirping is their beep.

A natural choice to help me wake

each morning after sleep.

The ocean is an old friend

Each wave says hello.

Pulling back when needed

but approaching to and fro.

Fire is my purpose

burning deep within my heart.

Turn up the heat, shine the light

expose it from the dark.

random thought: Interestingly enough it was also the anniversary of the beginning of the "moravian pentecost, a prayer meeting that lasted 100 years.