Tired... so tired

 

Today, is a different story. I mean, I know every day is different but this is ridiculous. Since I got back from Tx, I've just been besieged by one circumstance after another. My son got Covid, was hospitalized because of complications. When he came home, we all got sick with RSV. Three weeks of absolute torment. Then, our apartment got flooded because a pipe burst on a third floor apartment. So, we suffered the consequences of someone else's actions, which were very suspicious.  These are the same people who were getting evicted for illegal drug use. We lived in a hotel for a month!  Through it all I've been experiencing night terrors and a lot of unusual vivid dreams that wake everybody up. Yes, I am exhausted!  i just want to sit here in my corner and do absolutely nothing. BUT, as i look around my living space i see all the things that still need to be organized and put away, and i feel overwhelmed.

i know that there are a thousand things that i could do to "feel" better yet it all seems futile because the "stuff" is not going to put itself away. it will still be waiting for me to do it. in my fantasy world i just wave my hands and things float to their appointed place. in the real world, they just sit and wait to be acted upon. there's a lesson or some form of wisdom hidden in that thought, gonna have to ruminate on that for a little while... later.

today, i feel bloaaated, not just bloated, i am huge with rolls, bumps, cellulite under the skin, like cottage cheese in a cup - so gross... i just grossed myself out! no matter what i do, walking, exercise, yoga, nothing seems to work or help. i have read, meditated, breathed, talked, listened to "fat burning frequencies", puked, starved... i have prayed desperate prayers. i have done the twelve steps, and "celebrated recovery". just like the objects around  me, i'm still in the same condition, inmovable, unchanging, occupying space and letting time pass by without changing.

my chest feel heavy with an unscreamed scream. there's pressure in my head from all the tears
waiting to flow. nerves are firing, like an electric storm that burns and itches. i want to run. i want to fly. but there is no energy to do either. i'm stuck, feet immersed in the muck, getting sucked in, like the horse in "the neverending story", drowning, sinking, pressed under the weight of my sadness, my angst, my fury.

does anyone care? why am i writing this? why am i posting this? is there going to be some miraculous rescue? i don't think so. it hasn't happened before. any hope? any truth to hold on to? is there any strength left?

and yet... and yet, there's a part of me that keeps thinking and screaming, "i don't wanna die fat! i refuse to leave this world in this state! i can't, i just cannot bear it! there is a thin person within all this fat waiting to emerge. she is real. she is in there, i can see her when i close my eyes. come on, girl, fight... FIGHT!!!"

am i so self-absorbed, self-centered, narcissistic, egotistical that i cannont accept myself as i am? i would never treat or speak to another person in the same manner as i do to myself. i would extend unconditional love, compassion, and empathy to them. i would cry with them. i would hug them. i would pray and intercede for them. yet, i cannot do that with myself. my little girl is screaming,

throwing a tantrum, hurting and i can do nothing to calm her down. she is still suffering, hurting, looking for  a way out of the darkness in that fateful horrible closet, looking for a way to say no to ugly smelling food textures that were forced upon her. it was a long time ago, but it feels so real, so present, and i cannot stop the sensations from seeping into my consciousness. am i purposefully doing this to myself? if so, why? why would someone self-inflict this pain? it makes no sense that i cannot forget these events. i cannot block them out. they keep coming back, haunting me. i can do nothing about these memories. there is no justice to be found because i do not remember their names, i have vague memories of faces, but mostly it's just a burning sensation of hands on parts of my body. i wish i could just snap out of this. i wish i could burn away the memories. i tried to drown them in alcohol - it did not work. i tried to make myself feel better by getting sexual attention - it did not work. nothing works!

it seems like the state of the mess around here is a striking metaphor for my existence. i am not good enough, not pure enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not educated enough, not experienced enough... i am NOT enough... no matter the number of times nor different ways i chant affirmations of "being enough", deep down i don't believe it therefore i cannot bring it to fruition nor actualization.

i want to stop thinking... i want to stop breathing... i want to stop being... but there is always one more thought, there is always one more breath. those just don't stop being.

how can i make this a reality for me?

july 23... forever

 july 23... forever

this was our 40th, happy anniversary, my forever love!

i still remember our first "alone" date... our first kiss dancing and singing "blue bayou",

https://youtu.be/Kp9G0zkorio

i still remember the softness of your lips on mine, so sweet, so clean, so pure, so true... and we knew, deep down we knew that we had found our "other", our hope, our best, our forever.

passion is the best word to describe our relationship. passion to the nth power. it was tumultuous, full of emotion, screaming, anger, trauma, selfishness meeting selflessness, taking, giving, sacrifice. we did not know half measures. everything was pedal to the metal, ride or die, the fullest, deepest expression of love run amok. it was not pretty. it was messy and chaotic, earthy, organic, fluid and flowing, never 

ending. we went swimming in the storm, just dove right into the swells of the ocean and rode them for all their worth. we held on to each other, so tightly that at some point the two became one. it was the perfect amount of heat, pressure, and time. that was us and continues to be us!

i have a saudade for your physical presence, yet i sense you in my spirit. is that you hovering at the edge of my peripheral vision? is that you whispering "i love you" softly, tenderly, wonderfully, in my ear? is that you holding me in the middle of the night when i am barely hanging to that last thread of sanity? is that you? i'd like to think so.

https://youtu.be/eQul-rkcGPQ

yes, it takes every effort, every ounce of strength to keep moving in this plane of existence without you. it was not supposed to be this way. we were supposed to be walking the beaches in boriken, holding hands, picking up sea glass and sand dollars. i still remember that day in arecibo when we found a treasure trove of tiny sand dollars all along the beach. it was amazing. i remember running up and down the shoreline finding perfect little disks of joy. i know you were watching, burning the memory into our collective empathy, thank you!

i thank God for bringing us together, and keeping us together. it was worth it!

small victories and more

 This was a week ago:

guess what??? 

no, you don't need to guess, i'm about to tell you.

i forgot to weigh myself this morning when i woke up.

WHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTT?!?!? 

that's right. today, for the first time in forever, i did not weigh myself. that would have been completely outside the realm of possibilities a few weeks ago. i did not realize it until i already had coffee in my system. i don't know if this will be a definite shift, yet i count it a victory. every little detail counts.

also, a few weeks ago we began an online bible study on the book of revelation. yes, THAT revelation. so, i've decided to resist the temptation of delving into the book from an end-of-days/eschatological/rapture theory perspective. instead, i want to address the title of the book, "the revelation of Jesus Christ", and explore the ways in which Jesus the Christ is revealed in these visions and declarations.