the big lie

 i bought into the lie! yes, i did; hook, line, and sinker! it was force-fed, ingrained, input, and inlaid into my DNA. it wasn't just done to me, but to every little boy and girl in my generation. fat is ugly, skinny is pretty. that was the fundamental deception. it is further complicated by the other lie, babies with big cheeks are adorable but once they hit 4-5 years old they become a stinky mess that is best kept out of sight, like in a school because, of course, they need to begin their indoctrination, ooops, i meant to say "education" (wink, wink, that's a topic for another day. suffice it to say that i believe that the modern education movement is predicated on training the mind to be docile so that they can be better workers).

okay, mirta, get back to the subject! yes, THE LIE; skinny=good, fat=bad. by the way, i do realize that this is a culturally encapsulated lie for the western hemisphere. however, because of the imperialistic, oppressive, pervasive influence of English language and culture we find ourselves facing the paradox/contradiction that fat babies are good but when they get older they need to be skinnny. Keep in mind that we've been shoving milk and soy products down their throats from the day they are born. this is all part of the lie that my mother believed as she shoved cereal, formula, and runny eggs down my throat. i have a very early memory of sitting in front of my mother at the marquesina on the house at Victoria Street being force-fed very runny soft boiled eggs. i still gag! 

[Note: this must have been been before my sister and brother arrived on the scene. they each presented their own issues, and i went from being the perfect only child to being the child who had better behave perfectly so that my parents could devote their time to deal with my siblings' health issues. yes, in our family the way to get attention was to be sick, otherwise you were forgotten. my sister built an entire repertoire, and lifestyle, of ailments and limitations just to be noticed by my parents.]

this makes no sense today... 

"Eating disorders are a form of idolatry". "Gluttony is a sin." this one really hurts because it comes from a source that i cherish and have supported nearly all my life, the church. christians have determined that being overly concerned with weight, dieting, or eating disorders is just another form of idolatry, a sin, a demonic stronghold. that is an oversimplification of a much more complicated issue. these people would have us believe that those with true diagnosed eating disorders just have a problem with food. that is not the case. it is not an eating issue, it is a trauma issue. it is a psychological abuse, sexual trauma, childhood trauma issue.

so, THE LIE takes many forms and applications in my life, even to this day, at 61 years old i'm still affected by it.  i am so tired of being told that skinny is great and healthy by one camp, while on the other camp i'm being told that i need to make peace with food. it is not just the food. for me it is not about making peace with food. it is about making peace with my body. food is not the enemy, my body is! being fat, THAT is the real enemy. i have no illusions or delusions of getting back to my "ideal body" shape. i am worried of growing older with 100 pounds of extra fat on this frame. THAT is what drives me now.

[later...]

Fears realized…

I am afraid of being fat. That is my reality. Well, guess what, it is no longer a mental state, it is a physical state. I am back to ***lbs (i'm too ashamed to admit the number), and I am freaking out. Im trying to keep a straight face for the sake of my sons, with whom I live. I don’t want them to see the storm that is roiling under the surface – major freak out!!!!

So, what is the strategy… do I eat? Do I fast? Do I exercise? What to do? Do I write? Do I meditate? Do I medicate?

I’m so tired… and I am too old for this crap.