presuppositions

1.   That I lack the language to express my history, situation, feelings, etc.
Response: I can do so in at least three languages. This is not a linguistic situation. It is a basic misreading of my situation.

2.     That there is some hidden sin conflict that I need to resolve.
Response: what I am working through is not my sin. It is, however, being sinned upon, being victimized. I am dealing with childhood trauma from physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.

3. That mental health/mental illness is related somehow to unrepentant sin. Response:The basis for that ideology comes from misguided and unqualified "pastoral counselors" who have been thoroughly refuted by the psychological community.

 
Sadly, we live in a world where we are unwilling to listen to voices that are different than our own. Just because I disagree with your choice of opinions does not give anyone the right to shut me up or gaslight me and then try to make me feel like I’m the one who is wrong.
 
We have fallen prey to the “gaslighting” effect - not just in the political arena. it is insidious and pervasive. it is particularly evident in religious circles. It is a paternalistic assumption that white man’s religion is the only correct religion, and I’m wrong so I need to leave your cultural capsule.
 
I feel like I do not have a voice in today's church. That my opinion is not valued. That I am invisible, or that my way of behavior/communication is not culturally appropriate. That point is correct. I am culturally and linguistically different than the contemporary "christian" church. I have no interest in becoming just another white suburban lady in church, content in doing ‘hit and run missions’ further victimizing the less fortunate than ourselves. I do not belong in that bubble where I get to look down on other people just because of their economic, linguistic, or educational background. I would rather be walking the streets in the mountains of Peru, Ecuador, or Africa with the dispossessed and the marginalized than sitting in a comfortable climate controlled amphitheater Sunday after Sunday.
 
Most "christian" video presentations are very difficult to watch from my perspective. The majority are  simplistic and done by a white males who speak too fast and get inappropriately zealous and passionate in thinking that they are presenting something new without giving credit to the many theologians who have been proposing basic theological concepts since the early days of Christianity.

I am so tired of the sanctimonious, passive aggressive, projecting of the white-washed values on me. I am not white, and I never will be white. I have no desire to be white. I do have a need to be seen, to be heard, to be respected; better yet, to be accept me as I am. I cannot be expected to speak the same lingo, or live the same way as the main culture. First of all my background is diametrically opposed to white America. If you grew up white in the US, that is all you know. You have no idea of what it is to be outside of your cultural capsule. I cannot begin to tell you how hurt I am by your attitude. It seems that you think you are better, smarter, or above the rest of us common folks. Let me tell you, you are not. You are just some selfish, entitled, uneducated, immature, prejudiced person who thinks their opinion is better than others. Do you really think yourself more enlightened than most? You are not! Shame on you. Shame on all of you. You seem to think that your white privilege is the best way to be and to live. Well, it is not. You don’t have all the answers, you certainly don’t even have the experience, don’t even have the compassion to ask honestly about my situation. You seem to think that everything is a sin issue. That is simple minded and ignorant. It is lazy and you seem to think that you can get away with it. Honey, when you were on your way to the destination, I was already on the way back. Yes, that’s right, I AM THAT SMART!!!
What makes you think that you can talk down to me, and get away with it? Did you really think for one minute that I would just take it and slink back to my corner quiet and submissive, thanking you for whatever gold nugget fell out of your butt? NO, oh heck, no!
 
This is not pride speaking, this is RAGE induced by the decades of racism, overt and covert, that I have endured in this country; and, to experience it again in the church is disheartening... my mistake was thinking that this time it would be different... that you were mature enough to walk this part of the journey with me. The truth of the matter is that I am going to have to walk this alone. It’s just me and God, complete dependence and reliance on God.

Church, you have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting!
 
I don’t know what else to add for now. I am so tired and I have such a headache right now. I need to meditate.
 

[Later]

So, after much meditation and rumination I have come to understand that this is simply a cultural encounter. One in which both parties are exercising their own communicative style from different perspectives.
I am Latina, and I am passionate and vociferous when it comes to putting forth an opinion. 
Some descriptive words about how I feel in today's church culture:

Dissonant
Unwelcome
Silenced
Invisible
Blended, but not quite
Uncomfortable
Unwanted
 
It seems that the contemporary church is going in the direction of “dumbing-down” the gospel and calling it relevant, or watering it down with pop psychology. I see pastors copying each other in mannerisms, speech style, and even how they dress. That is very troubling, almost like they’ve taken discipleship to mean cloning. That is not what Jesus did. The disciples became followers of Jesus, and yet they were distinct in personality and character. The one characteristic that joined them as one was love and compassion for the “other”.
 
I do not see myself as a clone of a pastor, that is an impossibility. Yet in so many ways "christians" are becoming so similar to one another. It is almost like Stepford wives. They fall in step with one another, emulating each other’s behaviors, complaining about suburban lifestyles and how difficult life is in the lap of luxury. Then, they have the nerve to do “hit and run” missions and call "that" taking care of the “less fortunate”. It’s misguided, paternalistic, and unfortunate.
 
Why is it that “white people” feel that they always have the right answers, the better lifestyle, a better way of doing things? Instead of allowing people to do things their own ingenious and marvelously creative ways. Why do we all have to fit the same mold, when God created us all so different and yet in glorious harmony with each other?
God created us to live in harmony, not all singing the same note. Rather, he loves a good song that is thick and rich with sweetness, gravity, and meaning. Those moments are unique and glorious. That is the high that I have been pursuing. It is like I’ve been given a glimpse of the chorus of voices around the throne; how sonorous, how majestic, how perfect, and now I want more, and I want to be ready for when I get there to be given the privilege, to make myself available for that amazing opportunity to minister to God’s own heart. Oh, Lord grant me that! I so long for it and I am saddened when I realize that it is not here yet, and I am nowhere near ready for it, yet i know that the Holy Spirit who began the good work in me will be faithful to complete it.
 

the big lie

 i bought into the lie! yes, i did; hook, line, and sinker! it was force-fed, ingrained, input, and inlaid into my DNA. it wasn't just done to me, but to every little boy and girl in my generation. fat is ugly, skinny is pretty. that was the fundamental deception. it is further complicated by the other lie, babies with big cheeks are adorable but once they hit 4-5 years old they become a stinky mess that is best kept out of sight, like in a school because, of course, they need to begin their indoctrination, ooops, i meant to say "education" (wink, wink, that's a topic for another day. suffice it to say that i believe that the modern education movement is predicated on training the mind to be docile so that they can be better workers).

okay, mirta, get back to the subject! yes, THE LIE; skinny=good, fat=bad. by the way, i do realize that this is a culturally encapsulated lie for the western hemisphere. however, because of the imperialistic, oppressive, pervasive influence of English language and culture we find ourselves facing the paradox/contradiction that fat babies are good but when they get older they need to be skinnny. Keep in mind that we've been shoving milk and soy products down their throats from the day they are born. this is all part of the lie that my mother believed as she shoved cereal, formula, and runny eggs down my throat. i have a very early memory of sitting in front of my mother at the marquesina on the house at Victoria Street being force-fed very runny soft boiled eggs. i still gag! 

[Note: this must have been been before my sister and brother arrived on the scene. they each presented their own issues, and i went from being the perfect only child to being the child who had better behave perfectly so that my parents could devote their time to deal with my siblings' health issues. yes, in our family the way to get attention was to be sick, otherwise you were forgotten. my sister built an entire repertoire, and lifestyle, of ailments and limitations just to be noticed by my parents.]

this makes no sense today... 

"Eating disorders are a form of idolatry". "Gluttony is a sin." this one really hurts because it comes from a source that i cherish and have supported nearly all my life, the church. christians have determined that being overly concerned with weight, dieting, or eating disorders is just another form of idolatry, a sin, a demonic stronghold. that is an oversimplification of a much more complicated issue. these people would have us believe that those with true diagnosed eating disorders just have a problem with food. that is not the case. it is not an eating issue, it is a trauma issue. it is a psychological abuse, sexual trauma, childhood trauma issue.

so, THE LIE takes many forms and applications in my life, even to this day, at 61 years old i'm still affected by it.  i am so tired of being told that skinny is great and healthy by one camp, while on the other camp i'm being told that i need to make peace with food. it is not just the food. for me it is not about making peace with food. it is about making peace with my body. food is not the enemy, my body is! being fat, THAT is the real enemy. i have no illusions or delusions of getting back to my "ideal body" shape. i am worried of growing older with 100 pounds of extra fat on this frame. THAT is what drives me now.

[later...]

Fears realized…

I am afraid of being fat. That is my reality. Well, guess what, it is no longer a mental state, it is a physical state. I am back to ***lbs (i'm too ashamed to admit the number), and I am freaking out. Im trying to keep a straight face for the sake of my sons, with whom I live. I don’t want them to see the storm that is roiling under the surface – major freak out!!!!

So, what is the strategy… do I eat? Do I fast? Do I exercise? What to do? Do I write? Do I meditate? Do I medicate?

I’m so tired… and I am too old for this crap.

this too shall pass

 this is not about you... this is about me... healing. today i have reached yet another "low", my weight is higher today than it has been in a long time and i am devastated to think that i am back at this weight again. i am so tired of this; tired of eating, tired of not wanting to move, yet tired of moving, tired of breathing... so, so tired. what can i do? do i fast? do i eat? do i go for a walk? i don't WANT to do any of those things. i just want to sit here today. maybe that's what i ought to do, just sit and contemplate, and maybe in the contemplation, peace will come, healing will come, illumination will come, contentment will come, hope will come - hope has already arrived.

freedom?

 the only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion

-albert camus

what is the deal with claiming to be free, yet continuing to be in bondage to institutions, other people's opinions, substances, fashion, culture, gadgets, programs, vulgarity, and mediocrity? i cannot. i refuse to be subjugated to a system that is predicated upon the enslavement of the soul. it is an institution that was perverted and contaminated from the moment it began to propagate. something that was meant to be so simple, that a child's innocence would be the model to properly understand it and capture it. we were given parameters, visual examples, life lessons on what to do and what not to do, and yet we failed, and continue to fail, to follow it.

i have walked so many miles and visited so many places looking for that one community of faith where His truth is being taught and followed, to no avail. i am not a "church jumper". i am highly sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and i can discern spirits. so, i can usually tell the posture and manner of a community just by breathing the air around it. i can also hear the dissonance when the people sing and speak to each other. my spirit bristles when there is a presence that is not attuned to God. i grieve when i sense sadness and mourning, and i hurt when there is pain. my hands tingle and i am moved when there is a need for prayer and intercession. i also know when it is time to leave a place because my mission there is finished or has been cut short because of unbelief or pride.

lately, i just sense pride and a troubling shift toward cultural encapsulation. i see group dynamics manifesting in very negative ways, judging and giving in to preconceived notions, bias and prejudice.

i don't know how to finish this post today. i am so discouraged and finding it difficult to want to move or even breathe. this might be interpreted as depression, opression, something attached to me, or whatever flavor of spirituality is in vogue these days, but i can tell you that it goes beyond some simplistic assumption. i am in mourning...

Thus says the Lord of hosts:  Consider, and call for the mourning women to come;
    send for the skilled women to come; let them quickly raise a dirge over us,
    so that our eyes may run down with tears, and our eyelids flow with water. For a sound of wailing is heard from Zion: “How we are ruined! We are utterly shamed,
because we have left the land, because they have cast down our dwellings.” 

Hear, O women, the word of the Lord, and let your ears receive the word of his mouth; teach to your daughters a dirge, and each to her neighbor a lament. “Death has come up into our windows, it has entered our palaces, to cut off the children from the streets and the young men from the squares.” Speak! Thus says the Lord: “Human corpses shall fall like dung upon the open field, like sheaves behind the reaper,     and no one shall gather them.” Thus says the Lord:

 Do not let the wise boast in their wisdom, do not let the mighty boast in their might, do not let the wealthy boast in their wealth; but let those who boast boast in this, that they understand and know me, that I am the Lord; I act with steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth, for in these things I delight, says the Lord (Jeremiah 9: 17-24)