another day, another tear

How do I feel today? Can I name my emotions? Can I put a label to the hurricane of sadness manifesting in my brain? Is there a end to this? Is there something that can take away this pain. YES, I know there is! Today, it just feels so far away, like I'm a million miles away from the throne of justice and righteousness. 

I look at myself in the mirror and all I see are rolls and folds of flesh. It seems like they have been there forever. They have taken residence in my body, like a bad tenant who refuses to acknowledge their eviction notice. Are there marshalls or sheriff that I can call to do a forced eviction. NOPE. Not when it comes to fat. It refuses to move. Right now, i feel paralyzed. There are a plethora of activities that I could be doing, yet I have ZERO energy to do them.

turn the page

Another day, another turn of the page of this chapter in the series of chapters I call my life. This one does not seem to be particularly eventful, nor happy-joy-joy. This chapter just is. One day blends into another. The only way to measure the passage of time is by the number of stitches incorporated into my latest creative endeavor. Then, I sit back and marvel at the precious blankets born out of all those stitches.

 my heart is moved with compassion and empathy for the little person that will be wrapped up in warmth by this yarn confection. This motivates and stimulates the creative "juices" in my brain. I want to do more of this. Right now, this is the thread that is holding together the tapestry that is being woven by the events in my life. Right now, this brings me a sense of purpose in a very weird way. It's like I'm crocheting yarn with meditation, blessings, and prayer, bringing forth something of lasting value. Who knows what will become of it?

All I know is that over the years I have crocheted, cross-stitched, sewn, and quilted many baby blankets and passed them on. Today, I reflect on all those babies that are now grown men and women. I wonder what they are doing. I guess when Messiah comes I'll find out.

In the meantime, I keep stitching and praying... yarn over, insert the hook, yarn over, pull through... breathe...pause...pray... yarn over... insert... you get the idea. 

I can only pray:

Holy Spirit, however I may feel about this chapter of my life, would You show me the redemptive thread You’re weaving through my story. As I listen, please speak words of life and hope to me.

In Jesus' name. Amen.