...broken and crushed

 

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

What does “victory in Christ” look like? Is it prosperity? Is it success? Is it being educated? Is it employment? Is it living in health? What is it? Don’t get me wrong, I am not looking down on any of these indicators of wellbeing. However, when I think about victory, the first thing that comes to mind is Christ on the cross, exclaiming “it is finished!”. What does He look like? He is bloody, mangled, alone, heartbroken, dirty, naked, shredded – and not in a good way. That is THE ultimate vision of victory.

When I think of my own experience and the season that I am living, I am often aware of the disconnect of the definition of victory that the contemporary church espouses. I hear message after message about living in victory, acting on Christ’s victory; about having freedom and deliverance from sin, and I feel excluded. Why do I feel excluded? Could it be that their definition of victory minimizes the struggle that I am in? Could it be that the church points to me as the sinner, and does not address the fact that I was sinned against? Today’s church is ill equipped to deal with survivors of trauma, and chooses to address the sin issue from a very surface level. It is the same attitude that society has towards survivors, in which the victim is blamed for “allowing”, or “putting themselves in a dangerous situation”. Our society, our culture, our church assumes that we had any control over the circumstances. So, I ask you, what control did I have as a four-year old, over my perpetrators? What part of that, or the recurrent violence, neglect, and rejection, do I have to confess and repent?

During this season, the church has chosen to label me a sinner; that my coping mechanisms are sinful and I must be “delivered”. REALLY??? That is the best you can do?!? At this moment, I feel like the woman at the well, judged, marginalized, and excluded (John 4). What I need is compassion, assurance, companionship as I walk through this, understanding and acknowledging that THIS is part of the healing journey and victory in Christ.

This path that I have chosen towards freedom and victory will not resemble yours. It will most likely never look like what the church calls victory; and, I’m ok with that. Today, I understand that I am heartbroken because of what I had to endure, and the fact that I will not be able to come face to face with those who did so much damage to my young psyche. I understand that I will not get justice on this side of existence, and I’m ok with that. I hear my son telling me the parable of the mirror. there are two ways of breaking a mirror. When I break it, I know why I broke and where all the pieces are, and what I must do to fix it. But, when somebody else shatters the mirror, I may not know the motivation, or may not know where all the pieces went. In that case there is no way of knowing whether or not that mirror can be repaired. There are parts of me that can be treated. There are parts of me that can be managed. There are parts of me that can be healed. There are parts of me that will not heal, unless there is supernatural divine intervention. That is my prayer and my trust: that the GOOD healing work that the Lord began in me, will be completed because of His faithfulness, His compassion, His steadfastness, His perseverance.

 Today, I sense Holy Spirit’s comfort and soothing reminding me that some things can be resolved here and now, yet there are other parts that are not yet fixed. I sense Holy Spirit’s assurance that it will take time to find all the missing pieces. It’s like the art of kintsugi, (金継ぎ, "golden joinery"), also known as kintsukuroi (金繕い, "golden repair"), is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. The philosophy behind kintsugi is to value an object's beauty, as well as its imperfections, focusing on them equally as something to celebrate, not disguise. (https://concreteunicorn.com/blogs/journal/from-broken-to-beautiful-the-power-of-kintsugi)

 

So, coming full circle, what is victory in Christ? I understand it to be the assurance that we, through Christ’s crucifixion, have victory over death, sin, and those spiritual forces that wish to combat against us (1 Corinthians 15: 57). We acknowledge that there is a battle. It will happen whether we want it, acknowledge it, or are consciously engaged in it. Unfortunately, in this war there are no conscientious objectors; “every one fights, no one quits!” [yes, I just used a movie quote. It is your prerogative to find out which one.]

 

 this bears repeating...

“Before you pass judgment on one who is self-destructing, it’s important to remember they usually aren’t trying to destroy themselves. They’re trying to destroy something inside that doesn’t belong.” -J.M. Storm

so, i am that heavy weight, obese older woman; no use denying it - whenever i input my age, weight, and height into those bmi calculators it always comes back "obese/morbidly obese" - so frustrating, so full of shame. to make matters slightly more complicated, i live with my sons who have been severely affected by genetics and generational dynamics. so, these sweet, compassionate, open-minded, non-judgmental young men are exposed to every aspect of my healing journey on a daily basis. nevertheless, like nature, we strive in the middle of the storms, and thrive despite the aftermath of every storm.

recently we made a collective decision to support one another through swimming. we selected the nearest "YMCA", as they have an indoor pool. So far, we have gone swimming at least twice a week since January. we are keeping each other motivated and make sure to attend together. i cannot say that we have lost a lot of weight because that is not our main concern right now. the main goal is to consistently be active and develop healthy eating habits. i am over the moon happy that we have not given up yet. whenever one of us is not feeling like going to the pool, the others engage and encourage the one. there has not been one week that we have completely missed. also, meeting the staff and other people at the pool is so good, so empowering, so encouraging.

i am slowly and surely moving from helpless to hopeful, from ashamed and guilt-ridden to freedom and assurance, from condemnation to conviction, from feeling driven to Spirit guided.

Today's prayer is for the Lord to renew my mind; to help me cope with the feelings of shame over the self-punishment for the abuse that was perpetrated against me; to grant me wisdom to make better decisions, to give me the will and the way to thrive; and,for endurance to make it through this day - it is the only day i have.

 “Before you pass judgment on one who is self-destructing, it’s important to remember they usually aren’t trying to destroy themselves. They’re trying to destroy something inside that doesn’t belong.” --J.M. Storm

“You don’t know me!!!”

 

During my most rebellious phases I would insolently retort, “you don’t know me!!! you don’t know where I’ve been!”, to anyone who dared question my culturally encapsulated behaviors and attitudes. To this day I interpret the world through “trauma-colored glasses”. Every decision, every action and reaction, every opinion, every belief flow through a linguistic and cultural filter that has been polluted by trauma from the earliest stages of development. I’m not going to enter into details, I will simply illustrate my definition of trauma as:

• ·       Being forced to eat foods that offended my senses, i.e., texture, smell, taste, that developed into an unhealthy relationship with food and dysmorphia;
• ·       Having access to alcohol/cigarettes at an early age;
• ·       Sexual assault/abuse/misuse/exposure since age 4 or 5;
• ·       Unhealthy relationship with food or whatever substance that would anesthetize the pain- physical, mental, spiritual;
• ·       Obsession with the acquisition of information as a standard of knowledge and wisdom, ie, graduate degrees, multiple languages, travel, etc.

I am part of the third generation of ministerial families, on both sides. Appearance is everything. We had to be the perfect children, 24/7/365. There was no room for error, lest we meet a harsh stare, pinch or smack depending on circumstance, time, or place.

…are we connecting yet?

Being the product of perfectionism meant straight A’s, 1-12; going to college was non-negotiable. We lived in a large family bubble, where everybody knew each other’s business, yet we mastered the art of denial and secrecy, “for the sake of the congregation”.

Of course, we moved to the mainland as a “block” in the 70’s, living in close proximity to each other. My parents, who were considered professionals in the island, now had to work “blue-collar” jobs. It meant a new language, culture, schools, economic status, living circumstances. In summary, going from comfortable to ghetto was not my definition of fun. “Culture shock” is an understatement.

Still, going to college was a non-negotiable expectation. It was the only way to get out. I had to fight “tooth and nail” to get in, and stay in. Funding came in scholarships, loans, sometimes working two or three jobs. I learned to read and write for academic purposes thanks to the compassionate intervention of professors who were true educators and committed to the success of students.

Fast forward through the years spent in an alcohol fueled existence: military (medical discharge), turbulent marriage, dysfunctional motherhood, and graduate school. there were significant moments of sobriety, quickly followed by bingeing/purging.

... can you identify with any of this?

This is not shared in the spirit of competition or comparison. The pain is real, regardless of how deep, how long, how ugly, or how recent the wound was inflicted. I am sharing this as a point of connection, hoping that we can identify with each other and empathize.

Everyday is an adventure. Somedays I ride a roller coaster of fear and anxiety, climbing and falling as i struggle to overcome; to exercise freedom in Christ; to find hope in the midst of despair. Other days I hop on the merry-go-round of joy and peace, and I whirl, twirl, and dance to the beat of my own drum. Despite my weaknesses and insecurities, rebellions and setbacks, there has been one constant – God’s presence. He has been PRESENT, whether I acknowledge Him or not. Regardless of the situation, He protected me, He comforted me, He saved me from myself. He was relentless in His pursuit until I surrendered and fell into His arms.

These days I am content to co-labor in a loving community of faith, to mentor younger women, to remain on the mission as a Titus 2 woman warrior:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. (Titus 2: 3-5, ESV)

now that you've read this far, do you still want to know me?

i just hope we can connect.

test run...

i have not done this in a while. i'm not sure what all i'm going to include here. i was encouraged to share and publish this latest chapter in my healing journey.

i don't know how many sixty-one year olds are struggling with bingeing and purging, but i know that i am. i am not sure why, but this morning as i read and meditate, several thoughts come up:

• many women are struggling with pre/post menopausal weight gain;
• many young women who are struggling with eating disorders today will someday find themselves in this scenario again - facing the fear of the number on the scale, the fear of weight gain, the fear of...

i am slowly working through all these fears, emotions, pain, angst, etc, and i am willing to go through it because i know that with God there is always a purpose and a benefit. someone always comes after us that will benefit from the collective wisdom of our pain.

i want to open this page in the hope that it will provide an outlet for me to explore, share, learn, dig deep, collect stories, and find out whether there is life after...