...broken and crushed

 

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

What does “victory in Christ” look like? Is it prosperity? Is it success? Is it being educated? Is it employment? Is it living in health? What is it? Don’t get me wrong, I am not looking down on any of these indicators of wellbeing. However, when I think about victory, the first thing that comes to mind is Christ on the cross, exclaiming “it is finished!”. What does He look like? He is bloody, mangled, alone, heartbroken, dirty, naked, shredded – and not in a good way. That is THE ultimate vision of victory.

When I think of my own experience and the season that I am living, I am often aware of the disconnect of the definition of victory that the contemporary church espouses. I hear message after message about living in victory, acting on Christ’s victory; about having freedom and deliverance from sin, and I feel excluded. Why do I feel excluded? Could it be that their definition of victory minimizes the struggle that I am in? Could it be that the church points to me as the sinner, and does not address the fact that I was sinned against? Today’s church is ill equipped to deal with survivors of trauma, and chooses to address the sin issue from a very surface level. It is the same attitude that society has towards survivors, in which the victim is blamed for “allowing”, or “putting themselves in a dangerous situation”. Our society, our culture, our church assumes that we had any control over the circumstances. So, I ask you, what control did I have as a four-year old, over my perpetrators? What part of that, or the recurrent violence, neglect, and rejection, do I have to confess and repent?

During this season, the church has chosen to label me a sinner; that my coping mechanisms are sinful and I must be “delivered”. REALLY??? That is the best you can do?!? At this moment, I feel like the woman at the well, judged, marginalized, and excluded (John 4). What I need is compassion, assurance, companionship as I walk through this, understanding and acknowledging that THIS is part of the healing journey and victory in Christ.

This path that I have chosen towards freedom and victory will not resemble yours. It will most likely never look like what the church calls victory; and, I’m ok with that. Today, I understand that I am heartbroken because of what I had to endure, and the fact that I will not be able to come face to face with those who did so much damage to my young psyche. I understand that I will not get justice on this side of existence, and I’m ok with that. I hear my son telling me the parable of the mirror. there are two ways of breaking a mirror. When I break it, I know why I broke and where all the pieces are, and what I must do to fix it. But, when somebody else shatters the mirror, I may not know the motivation, or may not know where all the pieces went. In that case there is no way of knowing whether or not that mirror can be repaired. There are parts of me that can be treated. There are parts of me that can be managed. There are parts of me that can be healed. There are parts of me that will not heal, unless there is supernatural divine intervention. That is my prayer and my trust: that the GOOD healing work that the Lord began in me, will be completed because of His faithfulness, His compassion, His steadfastness, His perseverance.

 Today, I sense Holy Spirit’s comfort and soothing reminding me that some things can be resolved here and now, yet there are other parts that are not yet fixed. I sense Holy Spirit’s assurance that it will take time to find all the missing pieces. It’s like the art of kintsugi, (金継ぎ, "golden joinery"), also known as kintsukuroi (金繕い, "golden repair"), is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. The philosophy behind kintsugi is to value an object's beauty, as well as its imperfections, focusing on them equally as something to celebrate, not disguise. (https://concreteunicorn.com/blogs/journal/from-broken-to-beautiful-the-power-of-kintsugi)

So, coming full circle, what is victory in Christ? I understand it to be the assurance that we, through Christ’s crucifixion, have victory over death, sin, and those spiritual forces that wish to combat against us (1 Corinthians 15: 57). We acknowledge that there is a battle. It will happen whether we want it, acknowledge it, or are consciously engaged in it. Unfortunately, in this war there are no conscientious objectors; “every one fights, no one quits!” [yes, I just used a movie quote. It is your prerogative to find out which one.]

do you see this woman?

"...this woman...", do you see her like I, Jesus, see her? Can you appreciate the totality of what she represents, the vulnerability of her station, the courage to interrupt, the strength to keep moving forward despite the pain and shame? These are a few of the questions that come up whenever I encounter the names of women who dared to follow Jesus.

They broke with tradition. They disrupted societal norms. They faced scorn, punishment, isolation, menacing spiritual forces, and death. They looked at their enemies in the eye and shouted, "NOT TODAY SATAN!!!"

Consider Mary, mother of Jesus, Mary Magdalene, Photini-the woman at the well, the woman accused of adultery, the woman who dared to touch the hem of Jesus' robe, and so many other women disciples. They all shared one common trait, they fearlessly followed Jesus.

Now, let's be real, at some point they had to have experienced conflicting emotions, fear and trepidation, uncertainty,  loneliness, longing to belong somewhere knowing that this world was not their home. How many tears were shed in silence? How many nights spent screaming into a piece of cloth stuffed in the mouth to muffle the anguish, the pain, the shame? How many miles walked thru wilderness, dirt, wind, rain, muddy terrain, hill and valley? Can you see them? Do you see them today?

They are all around us, and Jesus is still asking "do you see this woman?" A woman who has faced her family and community in her teenage years with a belly full of baby.

Another woman who is being tormented by demons. Yet another one who cannot show up at the appointed time for women to get water from the well because she has been rejected by her husbands and despised by the rest of the community. Do you see them?

These women still walk among us looking for a fraction of compassion. I am that woman, still here, still crying, still asking "do you see THIS woman?" We are seeking solutions that endure not just a bandaid. We do not need to hear more stories, nor empty platitudes. We need assurance. We need affirmation and confirmation. We need healing. We need a universe to breathe and expand. We need water to swim, to flow, to move, to clean and purify. We need fire to burn, to glow, to illuminate.

WE NEED TO BE SEEN AS WE ARE!