some days...

I want to cry, scream, shout, just let it all out!!! But there is no voice. There are no tears. No strength. No desire to do. I don't even want to move.

I know that there are a million things that need to get done and I have zero desire to do any of it. I want to quit. I don't want to quit forever, but I just wanna stop for a little while.

I wanna identify what it is that is causing me to be this way. There's no feeling, no drive, no want.

I'm gonna go put my feet up on the wall for a while. See if that helps.

Later... 

Much later.. .

Yes, yes it does. Streeeeeetching. It seems like almost effortless, no sweat activity yet it brings such a feeling of satisfaction.  AND, it is movement, a rolling moving meditation.

Then, I move on to reading my favorite book, Psalms, specifically the lament passages. I feel like the psalmist. I can identify with the grief, the angst, the desperation, the loneliness, the longing to be in the presence of our Shepherd... to be in the shadow of the Omnipotent... to be shielded... to be rescued... to be covered... to be lovingly carried.... to be certain that when...

 I cry aloud to God; I cry aloud, and he hears me. In times of trouble I pray to the Lord; all night long I lift my hands in prayer, but I cannot find comfort. When I think of God, I sigh; when I meditate, I feel discouraged. He keeps me awake all night; I am so worried that I cannot speak. I think of days gone by and remember years of long ago. I spend the night in deep thought; I meditate, and this is what I ask myself: 'Will the Lord always reject us? Will he never again be pleased with us? Has he stopped loving us? Does his promise no longer stand? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has anger taken the place of his compassion? Then I said, “What hurts me most is this— that God is no longer powerful.'" (Psalm 77:1-10.GNT)

is that even possible? Sometimes it feels that way. It felt that way for Moses, for Job, for Ezekiel, for Paul, for Mary watching her first born breathing his last breath on the cross! It happens to ALL of us. We express it in different ways.  It is part of our human condition.

Also, part of our human condition

is to rise up, to shake a fist heavenward, to hit the ground with both fists, to stomp, to shout, to whirl and twirl, to raise our arms and SCREAM until there is no more strength. Whether we do this physically or figuratively, it is a necessary dance of fury and emotion that is bound to get SomeOne's attention. And when we do, oooooh,

it is like a mother rushing to gather that child up in her arms, to fiercely hold on as we move, scream, flail until we have no more strength. And momma shushes and rocks back and forth... back and forth... back and forth. We sigh, we hiccup, we cough, we sigh. Our eyes slowly close, and there is only sweet peace and rest.

It's ok, all is well. We can rest, we can sleep, we can trust the arms that carry us. (Psalm 4:8)