it's been a minute....
my mood and my spirit is tanking somewhat. it is not even 11am and i'm already ready for bed. i just want to sleep but not dream. there are certain images that keep coming to mind that i would rather not see yet they keep showing up. it's like fighting with my husband, who's been dead for almost ten years; or being harrassed by my parents, particularly my mother, who has also been dead for almost ten years. what in the red, white, and blue hell is this?!?! how is it that these people that are no longer in my physical existence can come back to haunt my dreams and torture me with the worst of their personalities? am i processing something? remembering something? reliving the past? am i learning to self-soothe? how do i build a boundary or a wall of protection against beings that are no longer being? is this part of the process of grieving? i'd like a course in grieving 101, please!!!! i bet i'd be stellar in it, pass every test with flying colors. i am an overachiever, after all. seriously though, how or when is this phase going to stop repeating itself? i'm so tired!!!
I am in mourning; mourning who I used to be, physically, when I was stronger and had more stamina. I don't miss the immaturity nor the self inflicted abuse.
These days I am totally content with being a contemplative. I love the fact that I can take time everyday to meditate and move at my own pace. I love the silence and the peace in our little sanctuary. It gives me hope.
Thank You, God, for walking this path with me. I thank You for my sons and daughters who continually lift my spirits. I thank You for the opportunities to serve. Thank You for allowing to share my "salt" and bring flavor to others.
