i am so tired of being the biggest one in the room! it seems that everywhere i go, every activity i practice, everywhere i look, i'm the biggest person present. why is that???? is it my mind playing tricks on me. what kind of sadist am, that i do that to myself? what did i do to deserve this?am i so hideous??? am i so evil? have i done such terrible things that i deserve to be punished again and again, relentlessly for 63 years... not a minute of peace???? meanwhile there are women who seem to walk about placidly, contentedly, assured in their own being and self-perception. i am not one of them, never have been, and it seems that i never will be.

i remember conversations with my parents when they would make references to people and called them "FAT", using an exagerated inflection, that seemed so hurtful and disapproving. i could only surmise that if they talked about them in such a way, surely they talked about me in the same way. people who gossip have a tendency to do just that. so, if someone is talking to you about someone else, rest assured they will talk about you to other people. that is their undeniable nature. instead of being moved to compassion and praying for the person who is in pain and suffering, they choose to denigrate and undermine. file this under "what not to do unto others".

... later...

...much later, after many thoughts spoken through tears and sighs...

it amazes me every single time... how healing it is to move some of these "files" from the dark recesses of my soul into the light. oh, my goodness!!!! it feels so good to verbalize, to externalize, to air out, to identify, to point out, to put a label on all these ugly thoughts, nasty memories, old tapes, etc. it feels so good to look at them, breathe through them, and let them pass through me. it feels so good to actively tell these images that they are not invited to stay. they have no permission to remain. they must move on. my mind ain't your house. Go home, there is no reason for you to be here!!!!

update on the art/craft projects- ALL finished, moving on to the next.

update on translation - one book done, one to go. i will be traveling to SoDak to do translation/interpreting for a month-long assignment.

this is all i have for now...

messy creative life

 

this is my life right now... messy, disjointed, half finished projects. sooner or later they will all get finished, but in the process my mind just feels so jumbled up with ideas bubbling up everywhere. i want to do them all at once. there seems to be a sense of urgency that i need to do these things before i cannot do them anymore. i know that there will come a time when i won't be able to do these things... or maybe it is the fear that i am becoming my mother who had a number od comorbidities, was nearly blind, deaf, and contended with her eating disorder til the day she died. it was from her that i learned that throwing up was a way to lose weight. that was her legacy to me, anxieties, anger, frustration, body image issues. however, she also taught me about faith and  relentless prayer. she taught me about hope for a better tomorrow. she taught me to trust in God for all things at all times.

today i sit in my messy living space. my bed is half made. there are at least three crafting projects going at the same time. i have three translation projects on deck, one of which is due in 3 days, and i have zero motivation to work on any of them. i'm exhausted just thinking about all the shit that i want to accomplish. i want to just roll up into a ball and not do anthing, just lay there and not think about anything...

maybe that's just what i need to do. set everything aside for a few minutes and not think, let all these thoughts, anxieties, and frustrations float on by for a little while i make one of my lists and then prioritize what needs to be done first, etc.

be back soon...