Why is it that there is a moment everyday when my mood just
tanks? I feel the pressure in my chest and my stomach. I want to cry out, yet I
do not… I dare not. I would not want to scare anybody around me.
Today I sense a paradox in me. there is an intense desire to
commune with others who are of same mind, a profound desire to congregate with
others whose sole desire and purpose is to glorify God. I do not need to make
noise. I do not need a silly 20 minute exhortation on how to make life better,
followed by more noise. Today I would not be able to abide the touching and
hugging and “look at me/pay attention to me” behaviors. I am looking for that
silent meditation, contemplation upon the manifestation of God’s glory; as the
heavens declare the glory of God, and the skies proclaim the work of his hands
(Ps 19:1). No words needed, no program, no show, only silence and expectation.
My heart tells me that the Spirit of the Lord is there. The Spirit tells my spirit
to sit, to wait, to expect.
Remember Elijah when he was in the cave?
The LORD said, "Go out and
stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to
pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains
apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the
wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was
not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the
LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood
at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing
here, Elijah? (1 Kings 19: 11-14)
I ask myself every day, “mirta, what
are you doing here? What are you hoping to accomplish? The answer eludes me. I
keep telling myself that I am in healing mode. I go through the motions:
therapy, stretching, chiropractic, swimming, fasting, meditating, drawing,
cleaning, cooking… wash, rinse, repeat. I even drive out to green spaces where
I can connect with nature. Still, there is something missing. I can’t quite put
my finger on it. I’m looking, searching. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but
when I find it, I’ll know.
Meanwhile, I know that I am in the
wrong body, not in terms of gender but in size. I am convinced that what I see
in the mirror is not my true self. Once in a while I catch a glimpse of “me”.
sometimes I see me in the gentle curl of a strand of hair, or when I stand on
one leg firm and resolute; when my fingers curl around the pen to draw delicate
lines; when my voice joins a
harmony in perfect pitch and tone.
I definitely
see me when I am on my knees, in child’s pose, heart melting into the ground,
forehead down, breathing slowly, staying in the moment, sensing the blanket of
comfort that envelops in that moment, the peace, the quiet, the expectation
that God is about to whisper something sweet over me. yes, that’s it! That’s
what I’m looking for…
