until...

 

Today, I feel the need to clarify a few things. If you are reading this, it is because I trust the power of the Spirit within you to join me in prayer, compassion, humanity, with wisdom and sage. I am in a safe and stable environment where I can heal, meditate, and express who I am. This began as a writing assignment, to journal emotions as I experience them, as per advice from my counselor. I chose to make it public, I still don’t know the exact reason for that. A cry for help or attention? Perhaps…

However, as I continue to unfold, peel, reveal, dig, and share, I find points of connection with others.

This is a journey of healing, remembrance, giving voice to that part of me that for so long had to remain quiet for the sake of others. This is my safe space; my moment of sacred communion; where the storm rages, the winds blow, the waters rise, the thunder gives voice to something so profound, so violent, so true, so real… all of it is me. this is the perfect place and time to experience emotions, process feelings, and relinquish all unwanted fears and anxieties.

This is THE moment. This is THE season.

 Lord, i need to know if my life has any kind of purpose right now

what is my why? it's not about what i do, or what i've done. i've been and done so many things...

• student
• soldier
• momma
• housewife
• dependent
• childcare worker
• counselor
• teacher
• missionary
• interpreter/translator
• artisan

that's my resume, not my purpose. 

i have worn so many masks, put them on, take them off, layed them down, stored some of them, burned others, put another one back on.... it's exhausting. 

today is one of those days that i just want to open my mouth wide and let out that primal scream that just keeps going and going and going, until i have exhausted all the scream, expelled all the anger, hurt, rage, pain, fat, insanity, regret, denial, negativity, awkward memories, shame, embarrassement, guilt, darkness; all of it gone.

 then, what is left of me? an open wound? 

yes... 

and this is where the journey can get muddy because i have to make a decision. there are several choices in lighting, like at the home improvement center. i need to decide what kind of effect do i want to have in my environment. 

these days i prefer the soft hues of warm amber tones. i long for the woody scents of embers in the fireplace. i remember the first "apartment" we shared. it was a small studio cabin in washington state, surrounded by tall pines; it rained constantly. our favorite thing to do was sit in front of the fireplace, talking and making plans, awaiting the birth of our first son. that's the kind of light i want in my life; that soft glow, the sound of the rain, the smell of wood burning, the love, the hope, the dreams, the safety, the power of that sacred moment. i know that i still long for that feeling...

i had that. i lived it. it was real, and i know it can be real for me yet again. 

my two year old inner child is screaming - "i want it NOW!!!!" and i have to soothe her, hold her, rock her, softly whisper in her ear, "soon, baby, soon..." we just sit in this sweet embrace, rocking, humming. slowly we stand, cross our arms on our chest, and we beging to spin, following the rythm and direction of our heart. round and round we go, stretching our arms, right hand facing up, ready to receive every blessing, insight, wisdom, comfort, and healing that God has prepared for us; left hand facing down, towards the earth to remind us that we are still in this plane of existence, waiting.