gloriously imperfect and boundaries

today i was reminded that i need to embrace my state of imperfection and i need to continuously be aware of the Spirit work being done in me on a daily basis. 

i am so grateful that i have people in my life who are open honest and caring when they tell me these things. these past few weeks i have been reconnecting with former students, people who call me "mom/mami/madre". it feels so good. it's like being wrapped up in a warm cozy blanket, wearing fuzzy slippers, sipping "abuelita" hot chocolate, and getting lost in macondo with gabriel garcia marques.

i sense that i am at the threshold of new adventures - teaching, interpreting, ministering, traveling. No worries, you are coming along with me. i cherish your prayers, your connectedness in the Spirit, your sage, your compassion.

and in this glorious imperfection i meditate on boundaries. it is all part of the package. this is a recurring message today from all sources of wisdom. i need to keep watch and be mindful about what i will alow into my personal space, physically, mentally, and spiritually. The compiler of proverbs in the bible says,

Watch over your heart with all diligence,

For from it flow the springs of life.

Put away from you a deceitful mouth

And put devious speech far from you.

Let your eyes look directly ahead

And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you.

Watch the path of your feet

And all your ways will be established.

Do not turn to the right nor to the left;

Turn your foot from evil. (prov 4: 23-27)

 

so, these are the boundaries i set; 1. set a hedge of protection around my heart; 2. keep away all those who bring gossip, lies; 3. keep my gaze looking forward and upward, eliminate all distractions with extreme prejudice; 4. have a roadmap and good illumination, anyone and anything that comes shrouded in darkness, or fosters an atmosphere of gloom and doom must be summarily dismissed; 5. stay away from, and keep away anyone who sets traps before me, those people who are so good at pushing buttons and manipulation are NOT allowed anywhere near me or mine.

there are places that i know are not good for me. for example, i am an addict/alcoholic in remission. i know that certain foods and alcohol will trigger very destructive behaviors. so, i stay away from bars, licquor stores, and buffet places. by the same token i have limited interaction with anyone who is toxic or causes me to behave in self-harming ways. for my own wellbeing i must set and watch over the boundaries.

when it comes to family, those boundaries tend to get muddy because there are certain obligations that must be observed to keep harmony and be an agent of peace and compassion. for instance, family gatherings, these days i need to be very selective as to the ones in which i will participate. today i can understand that these events are optional and i am the one who decides whether, or not, to attend. i am the one who chooses when, how, and with whom i will sustain communications. recently, i deactivated all social media without consulting anybody or making a big deal of leaving fb, messenger, insta, etc. i just did it, and guess what? no one even noticed. well, there was one cousin who reached out to me because she saw that i had left the family chat groups. anyways, it says a lot about the nature of online relationships and communications. i have no intention of going back to them. this boundary i truly cherish. it tastes of freedom, with chocolate syrup and a cherry on top, lol.

now, i need to consider my personal internal boundaries. what are my limits? how far dare i go? what is ok, or not? today i'm working on the boundaries with the number on the scale. for a while now, that number has been like a mood tracker for me. any variation will elicit an emotional response. these days it is mostly negative because i have gained so much weight since december. the ultimate goal is to stop using the scale to dictate my mood. i know it is not healthy to weigh myself repeatedly, but it has become such a habit that it is so difficult to stop. and i ask myself and i ask God, how come i was able to walk away from alcohol and cigarrettes but, i can't walk away from the scale. trust me, i have thrown away plenty of scales, and i'm ok for a little while but then i end up going to the store and get a new one. even my son has hidden it from me, but i get irrationally miserable, and he puts it back. yup, i am an addict. i know that sooner or later i will get to the point where i will find contentment and peace about my weight. until then, i keep hoping, praying, writing, talking, and using my creativity to navigate these waters. for this moment, i'm setting a boundary: have contact with the scale only once a day. for this moment i choose to affirm that the scale is not my master, it has no power nor authority over me, a number has no inherent judgment value - it can be a positive or negative integer but it cannot be good nor bad. a number has no malicious intent, only sentient beings have that capacity. i am free to accept or dimiss ALL negative judgment and hurtful criticism - i can tell people who bring that kind of attitude within my territory to kiss my beautiful brown butt!!!! i have that power.

uuuugh, we're back.... sadness is here, desperation is here, anxiety about the number on the scale is definitely here!!!! How can it be that i have gained 100 lbs!!!! NOOOO!!!! i look at pix from the 80's and 90's, and i am so ashamed; and today, i am so fucking miserable, i just wanna crawl under the blankets and just not move, not do anything, not even think. how can it be that a number can have so much power over my mood? how can it be that a number can trigger so many ugly memories of being turned away, rejected, kept at an arm's distance, sometimes farther? i mean, how can a mother tell their child that their hair is not straight enough, that their feet are too big, their behind is too big, everything is too big. yet, give praise to the younger siblings because they are cuter, more graceful, athletic, etc.

then, on top of that is the fact that tomorrow is Sean's birthday... yes, 9 years after his death i still miss the preparations to celebrate him. sometimes i would be anxious because there was not enough money to do anything special, so we would combine his birthday with Erin's, the following week. but, when we did finally "make it', i would go all out making his favorite meal, spaghetti with meatballs from scratch. it would take all day to make, but it was so worth it to see the look of contentment as he enjoyed it. no extra gift,etc, just a big bowl of pasta with gravy and huge meatloaf sized balls of meat! now, i can't even get myself to make the dish - i just don't have it. i'm so tired! 9 years after the fact and i'm still tired.

my sister-friends have suggested that i try to make the dish as a celebration to bring joy into the day, to stop feeling so sad, because "Sean wouldn't want me to be sad". and i disagree, not that he wouldn't want me to be sad, but to think that making a meal is suddely going to break this cycle of sadness. i disagree wholeheartedly. this is not something that can be glossed over and covered with gravy and meatballs. this is a life time shared with a person who saw me at my worst and my best, and still chose to walk with me, and trusted me to provide care for him until his last day on earth. someone who in his pain, and his dementia, still wanted me to hug him and kiss him. someone who prayed angels over me, and prayed demons away from me. this was not your ordinary relationship. this was a story of trauma, endurance, survival, strength, empowerment, support, anchoring, oneness in every way, a love so deep that not even death could stop.

so what do i do with today??? i have meditated, i have read, i have listened, i have contemplated, i have prayed. what next? yoga, chores, walk, translation...

be still... breathe... silence... breathe, just breathe.