i look around and see so much fear. people getting more and more comfortable with their hate, more at ease being mean, more united in their separation, and i think, NO. not me. i will not get lost in this fearful world. i will not play with bullies. i will continue to be brave and kind. i will speak for real unity. and no matter what, i will never stop loving.
-scott stabile
i just did a thing... and i'm still shaking. i made a decision that has left me shaken. i chose to ignore my sister's messages on social media.
so, a little background. i have a very strange relationship with my biological sister. it is not based on love. rather, it has always been a competition for my parents' attention and affection. of course, you may want to label it as simple sibling rivalry. not so. this is something that goes beyond what is reasonable and expected between siblings. since we were young my parents were very busy, working constanty to give us what they believed to be a healthy lifestyle. now as an adult i realize, and must echo Jesus' words to Martha, only one thing is necessary. the most effective way to get their attention was illness or some sort of malaise. my sister caught on to this and developed the art of being sick - some call it munchaussen i think.
now, as adults the manipulation continues. unfortunately, it has evolved, grown, developed into something so ugly that i have internalized a lot of the hurt, pain, and discomfort. i sense her prickly demeanor and i recoil. i hear the brash and offensive tones in her voice, and i want to shut down. i just want to run away and never have to deal with her again. BUT, we are sisters and she lives with my father. inevitably i will have to see her.
i wish and pray with all my heart that i could have a real and loving relationship with her. my heart aches when i see sisters loving and caring for each other. i don't have that with her. i wish i could talk with her the way that i talk with my forever sisters. that is simply not possible at this time. her spirit is so contrary to my spirit. her character and values are diametrically oppossed to everything i hold dear to my very core. everything that she is, i am not. everything that i am, she is not.
what to do? what to do????
i keep thinking of the passage where Jesus' family came looking for him. from mark 3,
"then Jesus went home, and once again a crowd gathered, so that He and His disciples could not even eat. When His family heard about this, they went out to take custody of Him, saying, 'He is out of His mind.'... 
But Jesus replied, 'Who are My mother and My brothers?' Looking at those seated in a circle around Him, He said, 'Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of God is My brother and sister and mother.'"
it seems to me that Jesus was faced with a similar situation. his family perceived him as crazy, unfit, "out of His mind". My earthly father has often remarked on my creative ways as my "loqueras" (crazy ways). my biological sister is very passive aggressive, most times just aggressive, towards any comment i make, or activity in which i choose to engage. i carry around in my 'baggage' comments about being fat, my hair is too curly/frizzy/nappy, my theology is too liberal, and so on, and so on...
for some time now i have gathered a group of individuals that i call my family of choice, my forever family. they are people with whom i share the kingdom now, and will live with them for all eternity. i love that we can be fully transparent, vulnerable, honest, and loving with each other. we speak the same language, God's love for all. it doesn't matter what background, ethnicity, or language of origin we speak. what is important is that we share in the love of God, and we actively seek to love others. that is our core value, all other values are predicated on it.
today, i feel that i need to call on my forever family, to be surrounded by their warm embrace, to be ministered by their joy. i especially need my sisters and daughters who nourish me with their hugs and sassiness. i need my sons' humor, their jokes, their laughter. i need you!!!
much love and shalom...
