unfolding

 yup, here i am again... meditating... contemplating existence for this moment, in this space. the prayer prompt for today is "what do you need to continue to process today? stay in this space for as long as you need."

 i probably could be here for the next three years and still not be able to fully answer that question.

the Word tells me that my concerns are His concerns because He cares and He is interested in my cares. for real??? does He really care about my weight problem?! does He really care that i go into the bathroom numerous times a day to strip butt naked to check my weight? does He care that i obsess about what i am going to eat for fear that i will gain weight? if so, then how does that care manifest??? i have yet to meet a pastor or religious leader that knows how to deal with this from a spiritual perspective. i've' even looked up information on how to deal with ED, at my age, and in my ethnic group, incorporating a spiritual approach. there's very little out there. i'm not saying that i am special in any way, but i do find myself in a weird category. i am a puerto rican woman in my 60's who is still dealing with bingeing/purging/restricting/obsessing, though lately it is mostly restricting. 

so, this is my process today. is it any different than any other day? NO!!! it is the same as yesterday and the day before, and the day before that!!! it may have a different hue, or a different smell, but it is always the same: get on the scale, look at the number, let that sink in for a second, sigh.

oops, gotta go to physical therapy, will return soon...

...on we go.

it is interesting that in acknowledging and documenting this process, i am coming undone. it is like an unraveling, but in a good way. it is like an  unfolding, a revealing process. i know that i am not done yet. i probably will never get to the folded out version of myself, not in this plane of existence. i am assured in the biblical text that his is a spiritual and godly thing, that this is a good process. the Holy Spirit who began this unfolding will continue to do so, and will continue to see me through it with tenderness and care as the layers get exposed. how exciting, and terrifying at the same time!!!

i've been thinking lately that my quest for information that is relevant to my age group and ethnicity has led me to the realization that there is a need for more research. it has sparked in me the desire to go back to school. in my estimation this would be an interesting topic of inquiry, a research pursuit, perhaps a dissertation project. hmmmm... 

i already started looking into it. i want to shoot for the moon. the best school for psych research is stanford. it is a stretch to think that i would be admitted into such a program, but what have i got loose? better yet, what would i gain? to know that i applied to a program where only 10-15 people are chosen out of thousands of applicants. 

i believe i have made a resolution. i have set an intention. i have spoken a desire, a care, a want. i am placing this concern at the feet of the One who can actually grant that desire, and pray that He will.

as i re-read this entry i am reminded of the laments in the bible.