"the story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be, and fears it."
-John Eldridge
staring at the blinking cursor, and thinking "blugh", i'm so tired of thinking. i'm done for today. all i wanna do is sleep. i dont wanna do anything. i'm so hungry and yet i know that if i eat, i wont be able to stop. what to do? lord, help me to eat just enough to satisfy the hunger without bingeing. is that possible anymore? is there any way to stop this cycle of self- punishment? and why do i punish myself for something that was done to me? is it because deep down i feel that i was responsible for what happenned that i have convinced myself that i am at fault? that i am directly and consciously responsible for the acts that were perpretated against me? i mean i was a little girl, how the hell was i supposed to know? and where were the adults? what were they doing? oh, yeah, now i remember, they were too busy socializing, drinking and smoking. i remember the smells, i even remember looking at the top of the table, filled with glasses... i can smell the rum and coke, yes, i learned that intoxicating smell and taste early on. it is one of my earliest memories.
is this too much? too little? whatever, it is what it is. this is what goes on in this head of mine. this is my healing journey. this is my story, not a copy of another story. i am not walking in somebody else's shoes. these are my shoes... my path, the path that nobody wants to travel. this is the path that leads to the cleansing. this is the path that leads to the clearest stream of me, to the place where the light shines everywhere, and there is nothing left in the shadows. every corner of the room illuminated and exposed. this is the place where the monsters cannot hide - they are exposed. this is the moment where the real becomes REAL. this is the place where fear ceases to exist. this is the place where other people's opinions come to die. this is the place where old tapes get erased. this is the place where myth, curse, darkness, history, genealogy, precedent, and habits stop.
just for this moment, in this very moment everything stops... and there is only light... water... one sound, in perfect pitch, perfect resonance, perfectly imperfect, no beginning, no end. i am welcomed into it. i am enveloped by it. i am in it, in perfect peace and stillness. this is where i belong.
